»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #29
»
Recalifornia - The Debate We Didn't Get To See...
| Open Poetry #29 |
|
Recalifornia - The Debate We Didn't Get To See... |
|
|
Richy Member Elite
since 2003-05-03
Posts 3050
|
California Comedy Relief Initiative #2003 Recalifornia - The Debate We Didn‘t Get To See... (Due to a state wide blackout!) Moderator: “Are the candidates ready to start?” Arnold: “I’ll be just another minute or so, Huffington is almost done oiling me up. Extra oil on the glutes Arriana!” Moderator: “Ok as you know, we will be using a real informal type of format for tonight’s debate. Kind of a town hall type meeting style.” Gray Davis: “Hey Arnold I see you! Why are you trying to duck me, and why didn’t you guys invite me to this little pow wow?!” Moderator: “Excuse me, Mr. Governor, but this is way out of line! This debate was scheduled for these specific candidates only!” Arnold: “Ahh let the leettle guy stay, he’s not going to vurt anyone.” Gray: “Thank You Mr. Scwarzenegger.” Arnold: “Don’t mention it.” Moderator: “So, Mr. Scwarzenegger we will begin with you. Mr. Scwarzenegger, how did you prepare for tonight’s debate?” Arnold: “Well besides wearing my favorite posing trunks, I watched some of Gray’s debate highlights, so I could do the opposite!” Moderator: “Arnold, I understand that you asked for some specific debate conditions prior to agreeing to do this debate?” Arnold: “Yes, I did ask for a few minor conditions in order to level out dah playing field.” Moderator: “And these were?” Arnold: “Oh, nothing too major, let me see... “First of all, I asked that all questions could be answered in English, German, or a combination of both” “Secondly, I asked that all candidates, if they so desired, could use their time to show 90-second clips from "The Terminator." “Third, I specified that no tricky vurds could be used like budgit or Sackramiento.” “Fourth, I asked that at least 10 questions would be asked that could be answered with ‘I’ll Be Back, or Hasta La Vista Baby.” “Fifth, I asked that the debate could end with a gasoline truck plowing through the wall, so that I could save everyone, right before the whole place blows up... Yaw! Yaw!” “And then last but not least, I asked that you, my best friend, Lou Ferrigno, could be the Moderator.” Moderator: “I thought you said, they asked for me Arnold?” Arnold: “shhhh.” Moderator: “Oh...ok” Arnold: “Excuse me but could somebody give me a hand, I got my head caught in the Soloflex again... Ahhoww! Moderator: “Gray, could you give him a hand?” Gray: “Me? Oh, uh sure.” Moderator: “Arnold, how difficult a decision was it, to decide to run for the California State Governor? Arnold: “It was almost as hard as my first bikini vax!“ Moderator: “Arnold, what do you think of the job, the current state leadership is doing?” Arnold: "This is really kind of embarrassing, because I just forgot our state governor's name! But I know that you will help me recall him!" Moderator: “Arnold, if you are elected Governor of California, what will you do to fix the state’s various problems?” Arnold: “”Well virst of all, I promise to seek political advice from elder political statesmen like Jesse Ventura. “I knew that he would be a good Governor for Minnesota, by the way he attacked that beast in the Predator movie we made together in the 90‘s.” Arnold: “Secondly, if you elect me, I vill crack down on schools graduating students who can't bench-press at least 180 pounds before lunch!" “That goes for da teachah’s too, even da vomen!” Arnold: “Thirdly, I solemnly swear to support the Constitution... of Gold's Gym!" Arnold: “Fourthly, I will pass a bill that immediately raises the minimum age for dating Demi Moore!" Arnold: “Fifthly, I promise to always be creestul clear with my policies. Speaking directly to da voters in clear and honest, broken eenglish." Arnold: “Sixthly, I promise that every Californian will have, TWO tubs of Joe Weider's 'Dynamic Body Building protein with added glutamine and amino acids, in every pot!” Moderator: “Arnold, speaking of pot, have you ever smoked marijuana before?” Arnold: “Unfortunately yes I have. Back in the mid 70‘s, it vas a vacky time you know? But don’t vorry, I’ve never exhaled (cough)!” Gray: “What’s the matter Arnold, do you have a guilty conscience?” Arnold: “Hey Gray, conscience is what hurts, when everything else feels sooo good!” Gray: “You know Arnold, there is an old Chinese Proverb that says, If you don't want anyone to know, don't do it!” Arnold: “That’s nice Gray, but you should have thought about that BEFORE you ran for Governor!” Moderator: Uh Arnold, your wife just called to say there's no way in heck she's voting for you!" Arnold: “Uhhh, that’s OK, I was just using her anyway, plus I don’t need her anymore. And besides, she’s a Democrat, and she has big teeth.” Gray: “I’m sorry, but I still don’t think that you should be Governor if you can’t even pronounce the state right!” Arnold: “Hey, that’s not a nice thing to say about Arianna!” Arnold: “Hey Arianna baby, lets get together later, and talk about your new role in my next movie, “Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner, In Sacramento!” Arianna: “Oh Arnie, can I have the Katherine Hepburn Part? Arnold: “No, that’s vor Maria, you get to be the maid... Yaw!” Bustamante: “Hey Arnold, you think just because you live in Beverly Hills, you can act your way into the Governor’s mansion? Arnold: “Hey stay out of this Bustamante , the last time you saw 90210 was on a scale!” Arnold: “Arianna sweetie, be a doll and go fix me a gin-and-protein-powder martini Ok!” Arnold: “Oh and Gray, your outlook for da future of thees state is so cross-eyed, that you could stand in the middle of da week and see two Sundays... Yah!” Gray: “I swear Arnold, sometimes you sound like a manure salesman with a mouthful of samples!” Arnold: Oh daht’s how it’s going to be huh? Well your as ugly as a mud fence, and only half as smart... Yaw Yaw!” Gray: “Well your nuttier then squirrel doo doo!” Moderator: “Gentleman Please!!” Arnold: “Oh please Gray, your so ugly you could make an onion cry!” Gray: “Well Arnold, your so dumb, your head whistles in a cross wind!” Arnold: “Gray, you think you will be good for California? You’d be about as worthless as an ashtray on a motorcycle!” Like the one I rode in Terminator Two... Yaw!” Gray: “Hey Arnold, if we all promise to miss you, will you go away???” Arnold: “Gray, you are so pessimistic you could miss the donut for the hole!” Gray: “Sure Arnold criticize me all you want, but remember, it’s the man who can’t dance, who thinks the band is no good!” Arnold: “It’s obvious you didn’t see me dance with Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies! I vus very good...Yaw!” Arnold: “Davis you’ve already had over four years to muck everything up around here. I bet you can’t even give us any hard data on what you would do to fix what you have already messed up?” Gray: “ Sure I can, luckily I’ve been blessed with a photographic memory!” Arnold: “Of course you have, unfortunately for the residents of California, it no longer offers same day service!” Gray: “Well here‘s some data I can share with you. Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off until further notice!” Arnold: “Of course it is Gray, because you are tighter then the skin on an Oscar Meyer Veiner!” Arnold: “Besides, we already know that! What vee need is data that is current, and up to date!” Gray: “Oh, well sure. Ummm... well okay, uhh the forecast for this evening, will be uh, Dark!” Gray: “That’s not fair Arnold, I was here first, and the early bird always gets the worm!” Arnold: “You can keep the vorm Gray, but don’t forget, the second mouse gets the cheeze... Yaw!” Gray: “One of these days Arnold, I will get even with you! Arnold: “Davis, you won’t get even, you will get odder!” Moderator: GENTLEMAN, GENTLEMAN!” Gray: “It’s Ok, it’s Ok, I’m used to this. The door to the room of success, always swings on the hinges of opposition.” Arnold: “That’s real nice Gray, have you heard this one? Open locks, whoever knocks.” Gray: “Well what can I say, except that I tried my very best!” Arnold: “Gray, only a mediocre man, is always at his best.” Bustamante: “And even the smallest candle, burns brighter in the dark.” Arnold: “You should know Bustamante!” Gray: Be quiet Bustamante, you haven’t been any help to me lately!” Bustamnate: Hey listen Gray, I’ve been busier then a outhouse at a chili cook off!” Gray: “Yeah, and twice as windy!” Bustamante: “Gray, your as crooked as a barrel of snakes!” Arianna: “Remember guys, even a straw can show which way the wind blows.” Arnold: “Then be careful Arianna, it’s very vindy outside!” Gray: “You know Arianna, deep down inside... I'm very outgoing.” Arianna: “Well that’s good Gray, because your career has sunk, and you will be out going real soon!” Arnold: “Hey Arianna, Bustamnte is so dumb that he thought star 69 was phone sex with a celebrity!” Arianna: “Oh that Arnold, he is mad fresh!” Gray: “Hey Arnold, you think just because you have friends in the entertainment industry that your cooler then us? Arnold: “Shut up Gray, your so lame, you thought Meow Mix was a rap record for keety cats!” Bustamante: “Oh it isn’t???“ Arnold: “Bustamante, your slower than the seven-year itch!” Arnold: “And Gray, what do you know about fiscal responsibility? “Your so dumb, you think a quarterback, is a refund... yah!” Gray: “I’ll tell you Arnold, you can be meaner than a acre full of wild pussycats!” Arnold: “Well, you shouldn’t have let your mouth write checks that your skeeny butt couldn’t cash!” Arnold: And besides, don’t bug me Gray, or I’ll go “Exterminator” on you!” Gray: “I’m not afraid of you Scwarzenegger!” Arnold: “Yah, then why are you shaking like a dog passing peach pits?” Bustamante: “Hey Gray, Arnold is so dumb, that he took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif! Arnold: “Be quiet Bustamante, your so dumb on your last job application it said, do not write under the dotted line, so you wrote ok...Yah Yah!” Arianna: “Boy, that Arnold, he could sell a drowning man, a glass of water!” Gray: “Be quiet Arianna, your so old, your social security number is 1.” Arianna: “Excuse me!” Bustamante: “Hey Gray, Arianna’s so old, she was the waitress at the last supper!” Arianna: “Well I never!” Arnold: “It’s true guys, Arianna knew Burger King, when he was still a Prince!” Arianna: “Oh be quiet Arnold, your so dumb, when you first came to this country, you stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to turn green!” Gray: “Good one Arianna!” Arianna: “Shut up Gray!” Gray: “Oh!” Moderator: LADIES AND GENTLEMAN PLEASE!!” Gray: “Arnold I don‘t care what you say, you’ll never be even half the Governor I am!“ Arnold: “Hey Gray, even half of something is better then a whole lot of nothing! Gray: What was that Arnold?” Bustamante: “Just ignore him Arnold, he’s deaf in one ear, and can’t hear out of the other!” Arnold: “Thanks Bustamante? A blind man on a galloping horse, could see that!” Bustamante: “I see, said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw??” Arianna: “Not funny Bustamante!” Bustamante: “Sorry...” Arnold: “What can I say Gray, your up Crud Creek without a paddle, in a canoe, made out of rusty chicken wire!” Gray: “I’m sorry, what was that again?” Arnold: “Fohgit it Gray!” Gray: “Arnold sometimes your about as clear as pea soup in mud puddle on a foggy day!” Gray: “Oh, and your movies suck too!” Moderator: “LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, THE DEBATE IS OVER, THANK YOU FOR COMING, AND GOOD NIGHT!” Arnold: “Gray, your as dumb as the day is long!” Bustamante: “Arnold, your so ugly you made an owl say, What!” Arnold: “Bustamante, your so fat, your nickname is Damn! Arianna: “All three of you guys look like you all got caught in a wind tunnel, with a whole flock of ugly sticks!” Gray: “Arnold, your wife Maria is so hairy, Bigfoot tried taking a picture of HER! Arnold: Gray!!! Your butt is grass!!! and I'm the “Gardenator!” Gray: “You mean, “The Stupinator?!” Moderator: “Remember fellahs, when you're shaking hands with Arnold, ease up if you hear cracking..." |
||
| © Copyright 2003 Richy - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
BluesSerenade Member Patricius
since 2001-10-23
Posts 10549By the Seaside |
It's getting better all the time! and that's no joke, or is it? Cha cha cha!  |
||
|
Richy Member Elite
since 2003-05-03
Posts 3050 |
Thanks a lot Bluesy! Wow, you really had to dive deep for this one huh...lol This post sank faster than a submarine with a screen door... lol I know it’s not a poem, and it was reeeeaaal long. But I thought I’d put stick it in here anyway, just in case someone wanted to read it. Thanks again Bluesy! I’m glad that someone read this. I’m glad that you read it! I really appreciate it! Richy |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
