untitled (suggestions welcome)

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knightlyshadows
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 791
obscured vision

0 posted 2002-10-23 10:07 PM

inhale, exhale;
it's all the same.
(keep on) breathing,
that poisoned air.

don't blink. just
yet, you might (miss)
out on the second of
your life that matters.

turn full circle
(all over) again.
repeat, repeat; once
more, youre done.

kiss me with
your eyes wide.
don't forget to say
goodbye. (I'm sorry.)

“A single choice can build destinies, or destroy them.”

Getting away, isn't Running away.

"The hurt that you try to hide, is killing me."

[This message has been edited by knightlyshadows (10-23-2002 10:10 PM).]

LoveBug

Moderator

Member Elite

since 2000-01-08

Posts 4697

1 posted 2002-10-23 10:37 PM

I'm not really good at the in depth critiques, so I won't say much. I really like the style you used, it was really unique. The poem itself is really emotional, and I really like that. There aren't really any big mistakes, except that it isn't long enough. I like more detail and such, but thats me :P

Not everyone rambles on and on!

Good work!!!

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

Surreal
Junior Member

since 2002-10-21

Posts 35
Paris

2 posted 2002-10-24 01:46 AM

I do agree, the style was very interesting to read and added a lot to the piece. It gave me the impression of taking a breath throughout the poem, which was especially effective in the first stanza.

Glory is a silent thing-- Mineral

holatuwol
Member

since 2001-04-27

Posts 72
California, USA

3 posted 2002-10-24 06:37 AM

This is a very short poem... and yet, it strikes the sort of chord in you that makes you pause, reflect, and wonder what in the world the parentheses were for because they are so effective.  At first glance, you might find them very randomly placed, but then, a few readings later, you find yourself pausing right around where the parentheses are placed (as if the parentheses are an artistic way of providing for line breaks).

Then, a few readings later, after already firmly believing that the parentheses are for line breaks, the parentheses give the poem shape and rhythm, and you find yourself reading the lines as if they were a transcription of a conversation, with the second voice coming in only with the parentheses and adding maybe a single phrase which makes the initial author pause and wonder how their thoughts were being read... and then the entire flow of the poem changes.  Suffice to say... I really love the style of the poem, most especially the use of the parentheses.  Purposeful or not... they really do something for the poem.

But... (there's a but!) the second half of the third stanza really bothers me because the flow and echo around that specific part of the poem does not fit very well with the rest of the piece. x_X;  I don't quite get why I'm bothered, but I can never read through your poem without looking at those lines and going, "I don't quite understand why those lines feel so hollow..."  And, in a way, it takes away from the poem... it may add something I'm not seeing, but because I can't see it, it bothers me. ^^  The joys of being blind to purpose... ^_^;;

Being profound with simplicity is one of your stronger attributes, and it never ceases to amaze me how you can write something so brief, and yet invite people to read it over and over again.  Your poems just have charm that most poets can only dream of replicating, myself among them.  Either way, whether you know it or not, there are people reading and absolutely loving your work... just most are too lazy to click the enter key and reply. ^_~  Until next time... keep posting and leave amateurs like me to drool over your talent. ^^v

- holatuwol

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

4 posted 2002-10-24 08:11 AM

Hi

I am going to try my best to give you a good critique, I am new at trying this critiquing stuff...so here goes......

inhale, exhale;
it's all the same.
(keep on) breathing,
that poisoned air.

I am really pulling towards the parentheses that you have put in this.....its almost like an extra thought slipped in there, making it make sense....giving it a little more.

don't blink. just
yet, you might (miss)
out on the second of
your life that matters.

The line breaks in here really interested me....I didn't get it first read but second and third read I think I got it. The first line was trailing off it seemed to me, and I liked that.... maybe just some ... after the just. I dunno...

turn full circle
(all over) again.
repeat, repeat; once
more, youre done.

Ok, if you are going with the whole punctuation thing then youre should be you're. I really like how you streched the repeat thing....you did it well. Just one little subject with the whole stanza....awesome.

kiss me with
your eyes wide.
don't forget to say
goodbye. (I'm sorry.)

I like the rhyming you have in the first two lines. And the little apology thing at the end was cool. I really like it....its almost like you are saying that you thought everything was cool but you apologized anyways.

As far as a title goes....I am not sure....I am sitting here trying as hard as I can to think of something and all I have come up with is Accept or something like that....don't you hate when that happens?

Good write I enjoyed it.....hope to see more soon

Finally my first in-depth critique!!!!!

Riley

~*I'm not gonna say I'm gorgeous, that for you to decide, if you really wanna know me, see the world through my eyes*~

knightlyshadows
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 791
obscured vision

5 posted 2002-10-24 08:21 PM

Erica! *supergrin* it's good seein you in PiP again. (yes, i know you've been back a bit, but still!) Thanks much for the reply, even if you didn't think twas long enough.

i have a tendency for shortness. but thats just me. glad you liked it dear. *peck*

Surreal, thanks for the reply. I'm glad you liked it. I especially liked the way you described it as 'taking a breath throughout the poem.' Thanks again.

Minhchau, Minhchau.. youre back!!! woop and -still- replyin with essays.

but thats ok, its why i love ya, yes. thanks for the reply dear. Im glad you semi-liked it. :p your opinion is always one i value when it comes to poetry. *peck* post more you dork!

Riley. *grin* congrats on the first in-depth reply. I appreciate my poem being one of your first. thanks for the title idea, ill think about it dear. thanks for replying, im glad you liked. *hug*

“A single choice can build destinies, or destroy them.”

Getting away, isn't Running away.

"The hurt that you try to hide, is killing me."

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

6 posted 2002-10-25 11:02 AM

Tiff -

I really liked this! But I have to wonder at your choice of words that you used parentheses for... what exactly was it that made you put certain words into parentheses? Sometimes they seemed a bit pointless, particularily the word "miss." The stanza doesn't read correctly without this word, so I'd suggest you just leave that one alone...

Anyways... I really liked the poem otherwise. You kept it short but didn't skimp out on the content... there's a lot of tasty meat in this poem. Tasty, tasty meat.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

7 posted 2002-10-25 05:53 PM

Tiff! ^_^

It feels like it's been forever since I last read something by you. ^^ But just out of randomness...*baps MC with an unusually large textbook*

Stating the obvious, this is a short(er) poem that I know has something to do with something. The fun part is figuring it out! ^_^ This is all self-interpretation:

"inhale, exhale;
it's all the same.
(keep on) breathing,
that poisoned air."

I suspect this stanza is talking about living each day is the same, yet the way we live is slowly killing us.

"don't blink. just
yet, you might (miss)
out on the second of
your life that matters."

Why there is a . after "blink" baffles me. To me, the "(miss)" is giving the reader an option to put in "miss" or to leave it out completely. If the reader chooses to leave out "miss", there's an empty space there which actually causes the reader to miss a beat. What confuses me is why life would matter if it is killing us...

"turn full circle
(all over) again.
repeat, repeat; once
more, youre done."

"(all over)" is again, giving the reader a choice. Since it is redundant, it provides emphasis on "again". The "repeat, repeat" right after is a clever way to emphasize "again" even more.

"kiss me with
your eyes wide.
don't forget to say
goodbye. (I'm sorry.)"

First and second line...something people don't do. I'm thinking about the symbolism of this, so I'll get back to you on that. "don't forget to say goodbye." It sounds like reminder to let someone know when he or she is going. o_O; *thinks* I'm still confused about the use of the parentheses.

Overall, 'tis a good poem. I have yet to disect it even more. But what I'm getting from this is sounding a lot like how life should be lived. *considers* Hmm...

Keep up the writing Tiffers! ^_^

-Leah

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

8 posted 2002-10-25 07:15 PM

I hate to say this, but I didn't understand anything about this poem

I liked it, and the style, but was not able to grasp a meaning...help?

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

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