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Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

0 posted 2002-09-17 08:11 AM

everything once known
has crumbled underneath
all plans to love you
are washing up dry

i am back where i started
working from the bottom
thinking how we used to
talk so many times

before was different though
in more than one way
because you didn't know
the feelings were real

i don't know if you
feel the same as i do
all i know is that
i am scared for my heart

you said that i helped you
through lifes little troubles
and gave you fresh water
when you none to drink

now it is your turn
help me through this
i can't help but know
that i want this to happen

no sense in denying it now
my feelings are very real
but one thing isn't metal
the heart i gave to you

please don't break it in two
be careful it is fragile
and cradle it with tender love
like i so long for you to

ask me to go under the bleachers
when the music lets out
and ask me do you like me
for the very first time

i will not lie to you
for i am not sure i could
i will say yes to all
and maybe even more

i want you to know now
that i have liked you from the start
the four miles we did
was so long ago

and since then friendship
has grown between us
i hope more shall come
in these present days

now you know my secret
kept for so long
i couldn't have hidden it
for much longer anyway

i am scared for us though
because i don't want you to not like me
hang around me when we run
in the waters of the sand

please forgive me for what happened
my eyes beg and plead with you
just let me know that
you care about me too

~*Theres a sparkle in your eye that only i see, and theres a place in your heart where only i wanna be*~

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

1 posted 2002-09-17 03:10 PM

Hey Riley. I like the clarity of your critique message.

  I'll try to be as helpful as I can without sounding like I'm putting you down, okay?

First of all, the subject matter and storyline in this poem are sufficient, there's no need to give them any work.  What I would do, though, is pay more attention to how you divide your stanzas.  Your stanzas were short, and the line breaks seemed like they could have been done away with in a lot of places.

You should try something - take every two stanzas and bunch them together.  Now take every two lines and put them together, too.  Your poem won't have such a long appearance, and the lines will be a lot easier for the reader to pay attention to.

It might also help to use a bit of rhyme, but that's entirely up to you.

That's pretty much all I have to say.  Keep writing and remember to be patient with yourself, alright?  Good luck.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

2 posted 2002-09-17 09:34 PM

Parasite: Hey, thanks for replying. I really wrote this kinda quick not paying attention to much detail because my life is turning upside down and I am still hanging out up on the floor. I am so confused and hurt and loved right now it is insane. I don't know, this was just a quick right like I said. I plan to work on it a bit more, but other than that thanks again. I am just so confused and just can't explain it any other way than how I know. By poetry.Opened up a new world and is so much easier to explain myself but still there is no word to describe what I am feeling. I did best I could. Thanks again.

Riley

~*Theres a sparkle in your eye that only i see, and theres a place in your heart where only i wanna be*~

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