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Passions in Poetry

Something Naughty

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Yu Lan
Senior Member
since 04-13-2000
Posts 1486
New Zealand


0 posted 09-29-2003 05:17 AM       View Profile for Yu Lan   Email Yu Lan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Yu Lan


Something Naughty

The grass was wet.
You whispered against my cheek
“Let’s do something naughty.”
The wind put its hands through my hair.

You whispered against my cheek.
The stars looked like icing sugar and
the wind put its hands through my hair.
The ducks were asleep in the flax.

The stars looked like icing sugar and
the moon was a sliver reflected in the lake.
The ducks were asleep in the flax.
You wanted to wake them.

The moon was a sliver reflected in the lake.
The toi-toi and bullrush snored softly.
You wanted to wake them,
but we couldn’t.

The toi-toi and bullrush snored softly.
“Let’s do something naughty.”
But we couldn’t,
the grass was wet.
my attempt at a pantoum... umm.. ahem..

Bless your cotten sockies, you poetic maniacs. ^_^

Love - Lynne

© Copyright 2003 Lynne Miura, née Chudley - All Rights Reserved
bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


1 posted 09-29-2003 01:13 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

Beautiful. I love the sly humor in this, and the naturalistic eye.
gemjop
Member Elite
since 11-18-2002
Posts 2663
Pencilveinia, USA


2 posted 10-01-2003 11:04 AM       View Profile for gemjop   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for gemjop

what da squirrel said...

come back soon lynne, I do enjoy reading you lady.
Ceinwyn
Member Elite
since 07-09-2000
Posts 2238
Baltimore, MD


3 posted 10-01-2003 02:10 PM       View Profile for Ceinwyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Ceinwyn

yeah what they said

If at first you don't succeed destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis
since 11-18-2002
Posts 7451
the ass-end of space


4 posted 10-02-2003 08:23 PM       View Profile for Aenimal   Email Aenimal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Aenimal

Grins.. witty
Yu Lan
Senior Member
since 04-13-2000
Posts 1486
New Zealand


5 posted 10-02-2003 08:31 PM       View Profile for Yu Lan   Email Yu Lan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Yu Lan

Hehe.. thanks ^_^

Bless your cotten sockies, you poetic maniacs. ^_^

Love - Lynne

jamesjiao
Member
since 04-12-2000
Posts 270
Backwaters of Avalon


6 posted 12-16-2003 02:07 AM       View Profile for jamesjiao   Email jamesjiao   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit jamesjiao's Home Page   View IP for jamesjiao

Masterpiece, Lynne, Masterpiece. Show me more!

- James
The beauty of nature is displayed,
not through itself,
but through the creatures
dwelling within its bosom.


fractal007
Member Elite
since 06-01-2000
Posts 2032


7 posted 12-17-2003 12:01 AM       View Profile for fractal007   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for fractal007

Not a bad pantoum.  I know LP and the other fixed form guys (*wink*) will likely have some problems with your lack of feet, but I did find this poem entertaining and somewhat nostalgic --- no not that way.  I mean it kinda reminded me of another such poem a friend of mind wrote and recited not too long ago.

2+2=5 for sufficiently large values of 2
--Smit
My Creations

Yu Lan
Senior Member
since 04-13-2000
Posts 1486
New Zealand


8 posted 12-17-2003 01:07 AM       View Profile for Yu Lan   Email Yu Lan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Yu Lan

Thanks Fracta.. Hey, so how is a pantoum usually written then? Because this is my first one.. I wrote it for my creative writing class, but was really only given a very basic outline of the form.. Is there something I could do to write a better one next time??

Bless your cotten sockies, you poetic maniacs. ^_^

Love - Lynne

Alicat
Member Elite
since 05-23-99
Posts 4277
Coastal Texas


9 posted 12-17-2003 11:33 AM       View Profile for Alicat   Email Alicat   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alicat

Very good pantoum, coupled with wickedly sly humor, which I liked muchly.

For more on pantoums, check this link ( http://piptalk.com/pip/Forum22/HTML/000025.html ) or so a Smart Search on pantoum, limited to the Poetry Workshop. Lots of material in there for those who look.

Alicat
fractal007
Member Elite
since 06-01-2000
Posts 2032


10 posted 12-17-2003 01:26 PM       View Profile for fractal007   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for fractal007

Who, dude, you're in a creative writing class too??  Cool.  Well, I believe pantoum is written in iambic pentameter, that's what I was referring to.  But then, I didn't spend too much time learning about it, concentrating more on being safe and staying with the good ole tried and tested sonnet.  

But no, apart for the form thing, I liked this poem.  It was cool.

2+2=5 for sufficiently large values of 2
--Smit
My Creations

Yu Lan
Senior Member
since 04-13-2000
Posts 1486
New Zealand


11 posted 12-18-2003 04:22 AM       View Profile for Yu Lan   Email Yu Lan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Yu Lan

Thanks for the info on pantoums.. Oh yeeeeah, of COURSE they are.. hehe Lucky I didn't remember that before writing this one, or I would have sat and stared at my paper and probably bitten my nails to the quicks.. I have not yet succeded in writing a successful poem in rhyme..Woah, the word rhyme is SCARY! Almost as scary as the word SONNET, lol..

Yip - I took a creative writing class at a community college this year.. Just for one year though - I wanted a year to write before I go to University - where I wont have nearly enough time to do so, I am sure.. Silly question to ask if you are enjoying your class??

Bless your cotten sockies, you poetic maniacs. ^_^

Love - Lynne

[This message has been edited by Yu Lan (12-18-2003 04:24 AM).]

Marshalzu
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 02-15-2001
Posts 4465
Lurking


12 posted 06-07-2004 12:33 PM       View Profile for Marshalzu   Email Marshalzu   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marshalzu's Home Page   View IP for Marshalzu

This is such a delightful read, thank you for sharing

Andrew
Yu Lan
Senior Member
since 04-13-2000
Posts 1486
New Zealand


13 posted 06-12-2004 11:38 PM       View Profile for Yu Lan   Email Yu Lan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Yu Lan

Thanks for bringing this one back up, Andrew.. Glad you like it!!

Bless your cotten sockies, you poetic maniacs. ^_^

Love - Lynne

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