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Untitled

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Child of the Stars
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Senior Member
since 09-07-2000
Posts 1972
Ann Arbor, MI


0 posted 01-04-2003 12:11 PM       View Profile for Child of the Stars   Email Child of the Stars   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Child of the Stars

Thanks to LP for the semi-inspirations of "lemonade" and "another bath"(though I couln't help changing it).


my greek-maiden lover unclothed in the tub
pretending to sip from a chocolate-hot mug
is reading by peppermint
jane eyre and motherhood
barren like me when i once was a girl

her lemonade lipstick transformed me to lie
it frosted like dreamers on blueshifting nights
calling us longingly
desperately lovingly
fingers and necks flying none as before

i am alone and was always alone
she is beside me, within me, alive
some days i fight her
some i incite her
pour me another one, hot as before
© Copyright 2003 Carly Anne Van Dort - All Rights Reserved
knightlyshadows
Senior Member
since 04-14-2001
Posts 950
obscured vision


1 posted 01-04-2003 01:12 PM       View Profile for knightlyshadows   Email knightlyshadows   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for knightlyshadows

carly anne, carly anne. your work always gives such lovely tingles, did you know? we already know each other's interpretation of this piece, but this deserves a reply. yesh, it does.
i'm still in love with the blueshift.. *swoon* and this.. this i loved:

"it frosted like dreamers on blueshifting"

"she is beside me, within me, alive"
there's never anything wrong with just you dear. great write, and hope to see more.

A single choice can build destinies, or destroy them.

..You can't fight the tears that aren't coming..

fractal007
Member Elite
since 06-01-2000
Posts 2032


2 posted 01-04-2003 08:34 PM       View Profile for fractal007   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for fractal007

Nice poem.  I like your intense use of what appear to be symbols.  Your meter is excellent, but I have some trouble with the line "pretending to sip from a chocolate-hot mug."  It does not seem that reversing the words hot and chocolate will do anything detrimental to the meter here.  

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

Local Parasite
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since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


3 posted 01-05-2003 04:41 PM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

Carly!!  You've done it!  Dactylic meter, and beautifully done too... so beautifully done, in fact, that I had to read this a few times just so I didn't lose myself in the flow.  

Now I think I've gotten it... it's a poem about vanity and desire, and how it "transforms" you towards the undesirable.  You've drawn a picture of a haughty, self-righteous woman soaking in a bath and pretending she's royalty, "pretending to sip" and "reading by peppermint" - all in the name of image and luxury that isn't true, but seems true.

You know your poetry doesn't just blow me away... it knocks me down and kicks me in the ribs a few times, and then I run away.



Brian

It's amazing the effect ice can have on the world.
~Allysa

LoveBug
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since 01-08-2000
Posts 5015


4 posted 01-05-2003 08:54 PM       View Profile for LoveBug   Email LoveBug   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LoveBug

Hidy Hidy!

Hmm... I like this style. What is it? It's really interesting. This is an interesting piece overall. I'm glad Brian came in and explained it for dumb people like me, even though I was thinking along the same lines before I read his reply.

Great symbolism!

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.--Jesus Christ

quietlydying
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since 06-10-2001
Posts 1316
the wonderful land of oz


5 posted 01-05-2003 09:38 PM       View Profile for quietlydying   Email quietlydying   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for quietlydying

wow.  simply wow.

i envy your skill and grace.  you simply amaze me.  what more can i say?  

i'm still rather speechless from reading this.  i'll need to read it a few more times.

but until then, wow.

/jen/

'i don't care if it hurts, i want to have control.  i want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul.'  [radiohead]

 
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