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Teen Poetry #5
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My One Time
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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My One Time |
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fozzyozzy Member
since 2001-03-15
Posts 336Lessburg Virginia 
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My One Time I remember my one time like a breath, almost discarded Past it was a breath timed so so relaxed could sleep beyond it A bass line in an orchestra just wind passing by my ears With no revelation to remind me was it a one time for the tin man There was no one time before it... there will never be another If it ever was... my one time came and went In one breath; came and went and left me Looking for one more Which, of course will never come again for me "and Death i think is no paranthesis"-e.e. cummings |
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| © Copyright 2001 Sean Michael DeFlora - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poet Unknown Member
since 2001-08-14
Posts 140Missouri |
wow intense, deep thought goes into this one....great job Only darkness falls on those without souls |
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TopGunLauren Senior Member
since 2000-08-02
Posts 718California |
Great poem it has a very deep message! Lauren |
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allie Member
since 2001-07-09
Posts 218Australia |
this one's powerful... Definately strong and deep... Great read, ALLIE |
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SunShine913
since 2001-08-19
Posts 211Italy but from NC |
VERY strong and Very Deep but i liked it .. Keep up the good work Andrea *You only live once, so live it to the fullest and have fun! |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
'I remember my one time like a breath, almost discarded Past it was a breath timed so so relaxed could sleep beyond it' A nice tone there. A breath discarded? Interesting thought...i've never thought of it that way... fourth line...it doesn't make sense. Are you missing something? Just wondering. 'A bass line in an orchestra just wind passing by my ears' Beautiful words...base line in an orchestra. You can almost hear it. The metaphor suits it nicely. Very wistful sounding, ne? 'With no revelation to remind me was it a one time for the tin man' Brings back memories of the Wizard of Oz...  'my one time came and went In one breath; came and went and left me Looking for one more Which, of course will never come again for me' Very profound, dark and hopeless almost. Or...sad.  Once in a life time thing, eh? The break at the end between 'again' and 'for me' was very effective. Almost a "suspenseful" pause, yet it wasn't suspenseful. It was more of an...effect to add a little something to the poem. Nicely done. Overall, Sean, another great piece from you! I hope to see much more from you! Till then, adíos! -£êåh Va pensiero sull' ali dorate... [This message has been edited by chasing rain (edited 08-20-2001).] |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Wow, who can outdo that? ^^ Very nice work, Foz. THe emotions and power behind this piece are inevitable.. very strong write. Nicely done! --Marie If going to church makes you a Christian, then sitting in a garage makes you a car. |
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Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
I'm w/ Leah on this one. The 4th lined seemed a bit off...though it could be the way I'm reading it...who knows. And I reallyed liked the ending...like she said-suspenseful. One hell of an impact. Much enjoyed! You wouldn't worry about what people thought about you if you knew how seldom they did. |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Wow this was just awesome. I really liked it! You did great here again.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Heavens Tears
since 2001-03-15
Posts 677 |
Wonderful work Fozzy. I really liked this. I think it looks better whole than it would in pieces, so I wont pick it apart for ya. |
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