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TearsOfPearls
Member

since 1999-09-23

Posts 322
Vereeniging, South-Africa

0 posted 2001-06-26 04:18 PM

Thanks for the pointers Fading Away, I went back and looked at it again, and this was what I did, though the third stanza still bothers me...

I need a place
somewhere far,
away from here
and this wild war
of who is wrong
and who is right,
I won't take part
in this fight.

I need a place
where I can rest
and forget about
this daily quest
to make me fall,
to let me know
what I'm not,
where to go.

I found that place
inside me head.
to the outside world
I may look dead,
I'm just so tired
of explaining myself
to a world who cares
about itself and wealth.

I need to be here all alone.
I need this place to stay my own.

Planning big can be a gamble...I have already rolled the dice!

Raven Skye
Member

since 2001-03-03

Posts 112
.In a House.

1 posted 2001-06-26 04:43 PM

I liked this. I thought it was creative. Good Job

*×´¨`·.×*Raven Skye*×´¨`·.×*
Don't just trust yourself,
learn what parts of yourself to trust.

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

2 posted 2001-06-26 05:17 PM

It pleased me to see that you went back and fixed the poem here and there.  The few changes that were made made a world of difference.  VERY nicely done!
The change in the first stanza from "and this daily war" to "and this wild war" was very good.  The flow of the first stanza is much better.  You say you don't like the third stanza... I don't see why.  The meter is very nice, and the flow isn't broken in the slightest, throughout the stanza.  Nice work, Tears.
Like I said, I really enjoyed this.  I think it's a library piece

Beautiful work.

--Marie

You can’t expect the roses to grow without the weeds.

[This message has been edited by Fading Away (edited 06-26-2001).]

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

3 posted 2001-06-26 05:18 PM

I have to remember to hit the button if I want it in my library!

You can’t expect the roses to grow without the weeds.

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

4 posted 2001-06-26 06:57 PM

hehe...she's like Peter...always forgetting...well, not always.

Anyways, I still like this very much. Delivers a message. It makes me feel lucky that I live in a country where there are hardly any wars (other than the odd rampage they call strikes...hehe). Thank you.

-Leah

Va pensiero sull' ali dorate...

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

5 posted 2001-06-26 11:51 PM

I liked this one Tears......Very well written, but I don't remember reading another version so I have no base of comparison to say It's much better than the one prior. ANyhow, nicely done here.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

6 posted 2001-06-27 07:07 PM

Tears, this is a really beautiful poem. You've explained your situation or feelings well and so clear. Hope things do get better for you. Thanks for the wonderful read, and keep sharing.

hi Sweets, Kris, Lizzy, Ina, Erin, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Ashley, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Mare

Spice
Senior Member

since 2001-04-13

Posts 1266
Resting in my cardboard box.

7 posted 2001-07-01 01:03 PM

Hey Tears! Great write!
I personally liked the first stanza best.

Anyway- Nicely done.
*Bump*

Heavens Tears

Senior Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 677

8 posted 2001-07-01 04:11 PM

Great job Tears! I'm glad Marie compelled you to retry this, b/c it is wonderful. The only thing I noticed about that third stanza was the flow of the last line. It kinda stuck out. But the rest of the peice was wonderful. Retrying something like this really makes you a better poet, and this proves it!

*Amanda*
I need more time to find the real me...
to fly like the birds... to be set free.

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

9 posted 2001-07-01 05:30 PM

i liked it...wonderful job and the stanza turned out nicely...bye

im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you?

EagleScorpion
Senior Member

since 2000-03-08

Posts 1644
Here, Now, Forever

10 posted 2001-07-03 03:28 PM

Bravo..
Like you, I cannot understand why so many people base thier friendships and romantic relationships on material wealth and competition with others.. the world can appear to be a sad place if you know many people like this... but there are others like me out there who dont give a damn about all that crap!! hehe

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