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Open Poetry #13
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Odd
| Open Poetry #13 |
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Odd |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla 
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Rewrite Odd We dream together, minds embrace. Into our own secluded place We think entwined like subtle rhyme. And plan each night of wondrous time. We meet within a wishing club Drink magic potions with our grub And browse among the rainbow lights Where music plays through out the night. We open up the options door And tango on the dancing floor. Where mood and movement serve serene Where mellow feel is not all dream. We lean into the fantasy And weave within the ecstasy. We swing and sway in pure adore By everything we can explore. And there we reach completed charm Where sleep gives us the most disarm Where mind can reach it's full content Without realities consent. It is a life that we pursue But it may not work for you. [This message has been edited by Seymour Tabin (edited 04-03-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Seymour Tabin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
but if you think for a moment, sweet, that you might dance with me, replete of shadows and encumbrances all then follow me to the gilded hall whereby in light of golden sconce you and I should take this chance and meld our dreams to be as one before the dawn of morning's sun.... you started it Sy..... |
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Rosebud1229 Senior Member
since 2000-04-05
Posts 1813North Carolina |
odd as it may seem reality will deem it's self upon the dance floor, beautifully worded how life takes hold upon the dance floor. |
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Mabel A. Dilley Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 859Seattle, WA, USA |
This was exquisite in meter. I danced across the flow and glided there, amazed at your agility, the rainbow fell to quite still, but memories continued there within the milling of a tapestry. The only trouble I had with this, but it was only a mild speed bump occurs in stephos 4, line 3 when we force believe instead of belief to keep the rhyme with conceive. Sy, you are terrific with the form. "I am not now that which I have been." |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Sunshine, I think I still remember how to tango. *L* Rosebud, Thank you enjoyed your comment. Julian, Yo caught the one weak spot. I labored over believe and belief, changed it and then went bak to believe. Thank you for the wonderful coment. |
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Panne447 Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 196S.A. TX |
Seymour, Beautiful couplets. They almost melted into the backgound they were so soft. They did not sound sing-songy at all. I agree with Lester too - that one spot gave me pause. I see why you did it but was wondering if a rewrite of those 2 lines - saying the same thing but finding words that work better - might not be to your best advantage in this lovely piece. Just a thought. Panne |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Panne, As I said to Julian, it's the one line I labored over. But since I got the double whammy I changed it to one of my alternatives Thank you for your interest and help. Always enjoy your responses. |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
There are few places I'd rather be ... than with you in poetic fantasy we've no need for reality ... come dance with me in ecstasy Take a chance to find sublime ... as one we'll dance in rhythm and rhyme walk barefoot in your Eden's mind ... that lush garden beyond time We'll fly on high and sigh ... we'll glide on wings of butterflies down rainbows we will slide ... ride fairies into sunset skies We can sail into serenity ... wish on twinkling stars of divinity take on the moons identity ... touch the nights infinity All these things I dream ... in moments of scheme and gleam these dreams of sweet extreme ... held in supreme esteem  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We dream together, minds embrace. Into our own secluded place We think entwined like subtle rhyme. And plan each night of wondrous time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We lean into the fantasy And weave within the ecstasy. We swing and sway in pure believe By everything we can conceive. And there we reach completed charm Where sleep gives us the most disarm Where mind can reach it's full content Without realities consent. It is a life that we pursue But it may not work for you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Works for me  *winkiewinkie*[This message has been edited by Janet Marie (edited 04-04-2001).] |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
Your rhythm is wonderful on this one. |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
JM, Your poem and fantasy has provided a landing place for Randy and me. I'll see you on the dance floor. Winkiewinkie Kathleen, Thank you for your lovely comment. |
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Mike Member Elite
since 1999-06-19
Posts 2462 |
Enjoyed the read muchly. |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Mike, And I thank you muchly. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
We meet within a wishing club Drink magic potions with our grub Don't ask me why, Sy, but those two lines strike me most of all..perhaps it is the thought of a wishing club....the poem is a keeper |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
This one is a gem, my friend Seymour... Regards, Sudhir. |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
Definitely a keeper! *S* And what a lovely response JM added... a double dose of poetic delight! *S* |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Balladeer, Club and grub sounds good to me too. Thanks for the read. Sudhir, Nice comment, thanks. Sy Suthern, OK, I'll keep it. *L* |
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