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Passions in Poetry

Insanity.

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senseless
New Member
since 03-05-2009
[First Post] 3


0 posted 03-05-2009 11:59 PM       View Profile for senseless   Email senseless   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for senseless

Hey guys, this poem has received mixed messages all across the net. One site loves it, while another site thought it was so horrible they said that its moderators told me that it couldn't even be considered poetry and deleted it. I'd like to know what you think. I think that it's a good poem in it's own style.
Mind crushed by two me's,
Inside been stung by two bees,
And I can't feel,
And I can't steal,
Back what is MINE,
And I feel like this is the last time,
That I'll feel this way,
Then, whoops, it's back the next day,
And I can't feel,
And I can't steal,
Back what I hold dear,
Only thing left to feel is fear,
And the last thing to fear is feel,
Mind works like a third wheel,
There but useless,
Just a nuisance,
I didn't think I was mad,
Thought I was just sad,
This thing took everything I had,
Blabla, scoobidity derf,
Skropple tindle the turf,
Bloobity blah,
like I'm looking through a straw,
I wish you'd leave my brain,
Wish I could dump this pain,
Wish I could see the through the rain,
And I can't feel,
And I can't steal,
Back what I used to own,
Can't learn to cope,
There's no hope,
Left for me,
This is just how it's gonna be,
Hahaha, SHERBET haha tuesday,
Any help is probably a waste,
All I give my self is hate,
About to deteriorate,
Sink into my own self,
Stop wondering about my health,
And just be a being with the bee me and me,
And wallow in my own insanity.
© Copyright 2009 senseless - All Rights Reserved
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


1 posted 03-06-2009 12:43 AM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi senseless,

First let me say that you are likely to get a wide range of responses to any poem.

Well let me see, do you just want to know if this is good/bad, or do you want to know what is wrong?
This poem says you are very in experienced. There are a few passages here that might be called poetic:

Quote:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only thing left to feel is fear,
And the last thing to fear is feel,

Wish I could dump this pain,
Wish I could see the through the rain,

Sink into my own self,
Stop wondering about my health,

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Personally I wouldn't say "This is a poem" (Others will)

You may write good poetry some day, if you want to learn, but right now.......

A few problems I have with this read are poor context, no consistency, simple and inconsistent rhyme,
no meter, no form, poor grammar. I did see metaphor and enjambment, but that may be by accident. If you want
to write poetry there are tons of resources on the net. There is a young person here at PIP that I'm trying
to help. If you want to read that thread and check out the limks, it might help.

http://piptalk.com/pip/Forum28/HTML/002449.html


turtle    
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


2 posted 03-06-2009 12:45 AM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

SEA
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 01-18-2000
Posts 24152
with you


3 posted 03-06-2009 12:54 AM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

it reads more like a rap than a poem but I think it's just the style.

Almost like spoken word.

the best advice I ever got was to not rhyme..

this seems very raw to me and could be tightened up and your thoughts refined.

This place, these poets, have taught me so much and I've enjoyed all of it
senseless
New Member
since 03-05-2009
Posts 3


4 posted 03-06-2009 12:56 AM       View Profile for senseless   Email senseless   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for senseless

Thanks for the advice.

Turtle: It's a poem about insanity, I didn't really write it with a point. In fact, the point was the disorganization.

By the way, you spelled "grammar" wrong.

senseless
New Member
since 03-05-2009
Posts 3


5 posted 03-06-2009 12:57 AM       View Profile for senseless   Email senseless   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for senseless

To the other person, whom I also thank for the response. The best advice was to not rhyme? That seems odd, please explain more.
chopsticks
Senior Member
since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


6 posted 03-06-2009 09:31 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Hi Senseless, I think itís a poem for  several reason , the biggest is because you said it was and then what else could it be  

It is obvious to me, that you donĎt do a lot of writing. One of the first things I saw ,was you didnít put a space between your preamble and the poem. I wasnít sure where the first line of the poem started   ( See you even have  me calling it a poem )

My advice is, until you get to be a better poet write about what you know, I donít believe you are insane.. When you get all the wrinkles out , then you can write about ďA midnight drearyĒ or ďA Himalayan peasantĒ

The good news is, on here your poem would make the cut

Btw, before someone calls the law, my comments about it being a poem was in regards to what that moderator said .
 
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