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Passions in Poetry

shatterd glass

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nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
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0 posted 02-18-2009 09:08 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for nina1522

TRUST ME I KNOW IT SUCKS !!! buts thats why im posting it. i need some help expanding this and i absolutely need critisicm.


We are the                                    brocken
We are the                                    shattered
We are the                                    neglected

We are the unseen shadows in the dark corners
We are the unrepairable pieces of your unused mirror
We are the ones who fill your empty frames lining your walls
We are the unheard cries from behind your reflection
We are the ones who surround you

THANK YOU!
© Copyright 2009 nina1522 - All Rights Reserved
turtle
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1 posted 02-18-2009 10:00 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi nina,

You're supposed to be reading a book.

Nina, I don't know who "WE" is. Maybe it would be better to first
explain to me who 'WE' is so that I can understand your thoughts.

......Nope!.... Forget that!

Lets pretend that you are a damsel in distress. You're
locked away in the tower of some dark castle and you
are writing a letter to your knight hero. You want to show
him your heart, in hopes that he might come and rescue
you.

For him to find you, you must first tell him who you  are  
(I am fair damsel in distress)

and where it is that you languish in despair.
(locked away in lofty castle tower)

Now, go write a letter to your knight hero, then post it here
and we will try to help show you how to turn this into a poem.

nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


2 posted 02-18-2009 10:05 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

haha i was actually reading impulse by my favorite author, Ellen hopkins. i understand what you are saying but i did state who we are, to vague? (tell me if im wrong becuase i will gladly write the letter, truly i will).
" we are the broken
  We are the shattered
  We are the neglected"
but honestly i cant specify who "We" are. i think that may be part of my poem, the mystery in it. OR should i just write the letter?
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


3 posted 02-18-2009 10:09 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

dear hero

I cant tell you why to save me. there are better people in need. I am an unstable and unwanted person. My heart has nothing to spill but emptniness. saving me would do you no good. We will not fall in love or even become friends. for that is why im in this tower. The queen (a.k.a mother) sent me up her becuase i show no affection or compassion. Go save another princess and fall in love.
turtle
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4 posted 02-18-2009 10:11 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

nina,

"WE", could be a gaggle of geese.
"WE", could be all the children of the world.
"WE", could be you and your imaginary friend.

Write the letter. lol


That's not a letter nina and we are pretending here,
so try to pretend that you are that damsel in distress.
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


5 posted 02-18-2009 10:14 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

hahahha
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
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6 posted 02-18-2009 10:25 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

Dear unknown hero,

help me please. i am locked in this tower and am in need of rescueing (and a dictionary). Rescueing me would mean great glory and sucess. it will mean garunteed true love and happiness. my name is nina. i am the daughter of india and the duaghter of a stranger. for India is a queen, therefore making me a princess. i'm locked in a tower where darkness encompasses me. the darkness minipulates me into believing im safe here, thats there is security. i write this to you before i  fall for the trap. before i believe i want to be here. before i believe this is home. i do not think i am strong enough to fight off the darkness. My hope and faith is alreading fading, erasing its existence. please come help me before it is too late. i need you
                   yours truely,
                             Nina

[This message has been edited by nina1522 (02-18-2009 11:07 PM).]

turtle
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7 posted 02-18-2009 11:36 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle


If you call him your "unknown" hero, how is he going to know this letter is to him?

{dictionary yes, but you could spell check this by putting it into an email and clicking spell check)

WHO'S true love and happiness?

"i'm locked in a tower where darkness encompasses me. the darkness minipulates me into believing im safe here" .....I like this. keep it and we'll work on it.

"i write this to you before i fall for the trap"... Intrigue! Good!

"before i believe i want to be here. before i believe this is home"....Naw! You're held in a castle
against your will, and this is a castle not a home. (stick to the story.)

. "i do not think i am strong enough to fight off the darkness"....With better context this might work.


'My hope and faith is alreading fading, erasing its existence "......Too vague! Cliche'!...Redo it.


please come help me before it is too late. i need you"......Good, we can work with this.

"yours truely,.......A conclusion? Good!
Nina"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, so far your kight hero is not sure who he is, or where you are.

I suspect, by now, he's southbound on a northbound donkey.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Go and read this link:
http://cla.calpoly.edu/~dschwart/engl513/courtly/courtly.htm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then start over and see if we can get this yokel pointed in the right direction..


  
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
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8 posted 02-18-2009 11:43 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

thank you. ill start it now.
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
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9 posted 02-19-2009 12:31 AM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

dear sir leo,

Im in need of your help. Helping me would mean great sucess and love for you. For I am highly ranked in my society's kingdom and my father owns many of acres filled with crops.The king of kenya has captured me. His knights have dragged me to their most strateque tower. Stones fill the windows, blocking all light from entering my room. Darkness encompasses me, minipulating me to believe im safe here. Giving me a false sense of security. I write this to you before i fall for the trap. Before the darkenss overcomes me and forces me to stop fighting, defeating me and making me too weak. I do not presume i will conquer this fight. already my strength is fading, erasing its existence. Please come help me. I need you before it is too late.
                      Yours truly,
                            Nina
turtle
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10 posted 02-19-2009 05:35 AM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

We're getting better.

Now. I've got to deliver this letter to your Sir Leo, so he knows that you need him.

I'm standing, letter in hand, in the courtyard,  but it's filled with knight heros.....

What does this guy look like?


....Kenya?....Where the heck did you get Kenya?  lol

[This message has been edited by turtle (02-19-2009 06:34 AM).]

nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


11 posted 02-19-2009 09:02 AM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

haha  first country that came to mind. sir leo is the man who is sitting near the fountain. he is the man who us confidfent and handsome but not cocky.his is the one with the black hair and soft eyes. he doesnt look the strongest but in battle he never loses. he is the one who needs to save me. for he will protect me when no one else can.

[This message has been edited by nina1522 (02-19-2009 09:56 AM).]

turtle
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12 posted 02-19-2009 12:36 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Okay. I have removed the unneeded and repeated information from your two letters,
kept the description of Sir Leo and placed what we don't need in the "Delete pile:"

This is what we will use to constuct your letter:

help me please. i am locked in this tower and am in need of rescueing  Helping me
would mean great sucess and love for you it will mean garunteed true love and happiness.
my name is nina. i am the daughter of india and the duaghter of a stranger. .   i write this
to you before i fall for the trap.  I am highly ranked in my society's kingdom and my father
owns many of acres filled with crops.The king of kenya has captured me. His knights
have dragged me to their most strateque tower. Stones fill the windows, blocking all light
from entering my room. Darkness encompasses me, minipulating me to believe im safe
here. Giving me a false sense of security. I write this to you before i fall for the trap.
Before the darkenss overcomes me and forces me to stop fighting, defeating me and
making me too weak. I do not presume i will conquer this fight. already my strength is
fading, erasing its existence. Please come help me. I need you before it is too late.

confidfent and handsome black hair and soft eyes. in battle he never loses.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Let's see. We'll have to organize this a little. The first thing Sir Leo needs to know is who
the letter is from:

my name is nina. i am the daughter of india and the duaghter of a stranger.

The next thing is why you are writing the letter:

The king of kenya has captured me. His knights have dragged me to their most strateque
tower. ,and forces me to stop fighting, defeating me and making me too weak. minipulating
me to believe im safe here


Then we need to tell him what is wrong:

Darkness encompasses me blocking all light from entering my room. Giving me a false
sense of security. I do not presume i will conquer this fight. already my strength is fading, I
write this to you before i fall for the trap.


Now we need to tell Sir Leo what's in it for him:

For I am highly ranked in my society's kingdom and my father owns many of acres
Helping me would mean great sucess and love for you.


And finally a conclusion:

Please come help me. I need you before it is too late.
============================================================
So. This is what we have to start work with. Go over this and change or fix anything
you don't like.

Dear  (confidfent and handsome black hair and soft eyes. in battle he never loses.) Sir leo,

i am the daughter of india and the duaghter of a stranger The king of kenya has captured
me. His knights have dragged me to their most strateque tower. ,and forces me to stop
fighting, defeating me and making me too weak. minipulating me to believe im safe here
Darkness encompasses me blocking all light from entering my room. Giving me a false
sense of security. I do not presume i will conquer this fight. already my strength is fading, I
write this to you before i fall for the trap.  I am highly ranked in my society's kingdom and
my father owns many of acres Helping me would mean great sucess and love for you.
Please come help me. I need you before it is too late.

Very Truely yours nina

===============================================================

Delete pile:
(and a dictionary).
haha first country that came to mind. sir leo is the man who is sitting near the fountain. he is the
man who us  but not cocky.his is the one with the  he doesnt look the strongest but  he is the one
who needs to save me. for he will protect me when no one else can.
My hope and faith is alreading fading, erasing its existence. please come help me before it is too late.
i need you
before i believe i want to be here. before i believe this is home. i do not think i am strong enough to
fight off the darkness. For
i write this to you before i fall for the trap.
the darkness minipulates me into believing im safe here, thats there is security.
i'm locked in a tower where darkness encompasses me.
for India is a queen, therefore making me a princess
Im in need of your help. Rescueing me would mean great glory and sucess..
nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


13 posted 02-19-2009 02:11 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

Dear  (confidfent and handsome black hair and soft eyes. in battle he never loses.) Sir leo,

i am the daughter of India and the duaghter of a stranger The king of kenya has captured
me. His knights have dragged me to their most strateque tower they've forced me to stop
fighting, defeating me and making me too weak. The king is minipulating me to believe im safe here. Giving me a false
sense of security. Darkness encompasses, rockes block all light from entering my room.  I do not presume i will conquer this fight. already my strength is fading, I
write this to you before i fall for the trap.  I am highly ranked in my society's kingdom and
my father owns many of acres Helping me would mean great sucess and love for you.
Please come help me. I need you before it is too late.

Very Truely yours,
                Nina
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
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14 posted 02-19-2009 02:44 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

lol

You gotta  get rid of the King of Kenya t

You know that one isn't going to fly.

Well let me go over this and get back later (tomorrow)

nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


15 posted 02-19-2009 02:52 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

thank you very much turtle. i appreciate you taking out of your day to work with me.
                         nina
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
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16 posted 02-20-2009 01:05 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Thank you nina, I just hope this might help both you and anyone else that's interested.

Dear (confidfent and handsome black hair and soft eyes. in battle he never loses.) Sir leo,

i am the daughter of India and the duaghter of a stranger The king of kenya has captured
me. His knights have dragged me to their most strateque tower they've forced me to stop
fighting, defeating me and making me too weak. The king is minipulating me to believe im
safe here. Giving me a false sense of security. Darkness encompasses, rockes block all light
from entering my room. I do not presume i will conquer this fight. already my strength is fading,
I write this to you before i fall for the trap. I am highly ranked in my society's kingdom and
my father owns many of acres Helping me would mean great sucess and love for you.
Please come help me. I need you before it is too late.

Very Truely yours,
Nina



Tltle:

You had a title for your original poem when you started this thread "Shattered glass",
but now we've changed the story and you need a new title for this poem.

fighting.... defeating me....false sense of security........ strength is fading

What does this sound like to you?
This sounds like despair to me.
A title should tell the reader (Sir Leo) what your poem is about, dispair.

daughter of India...The king..... kingdom

Most things that happen need a place to happen and so does dispair.
If the damsel in distress is the daughter of India and she's held in a
kingdom, then that kingdom must be the kingdom of dispair.

What do you think a good title might be for this poem?

Poem:

Nina, art is a fickled thing. you can write down anything you want, stick a
title on it and call it a poem. But, this is a poem to Sir Leo.

In a letter, we say, "Dear Sir and Very Truely Yours", but a poem is
meant to be less formal and more intament. When you pick up a pen
and start writing to someone, don't you picture that person in your mind?

You are a damsel in distress. This castle, the King is holding you in is dark,
cold, there's no TV and it sucks. You want to woe Sir Leo so he'll get you the
heck out of there. Besides "Dear Sir leo", like in a letter, you want to tell him how you picture him in your mind:

Dear (confidfent and handsome black hair and soft eyes. in battle he never loses.) Sir leo,

In order to describe Sir Leo, we use adjectives, This first line of your letter is chock full of adjectives and this shoud be easy.

The Kingdom Of Despair

O dearest Leo, my knight hero
Most handsome, confident and brave.
Winged raven hair and velvet eyes
On battle charger to my save.

This is the first  " complete thought" of this poem.

Now. Sir Leo knows what you look like and he thinks you're a hot babe. You
know he thinks you're a hot babe. You want to remind him of what you look like
to put that picture of you in his mind. (Remember we're woeing here.)

daughter of India and the duaghter of a stranger.... I am highly ranked in my society's kingdom.....princess... love for you

Hmmm, Are you sure this is all you want you tell Sir Leo about his damsel in distress?

  

[This message has been edited by turtle (02-21-2009 04:49 AM).]

nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


17 posted 02-20-2009 01:48 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

hm.. in a non poetic way i look like this... i have very curly black hair, a little longer then shoulder length. deep brown eyes, my grandmother says they are almond shape. i play a sport for each season at my high school so im fit. and pimple free haha. Im tan, not too short and not too tall, i guess average hieght. a couple of guys told me i was good looking. uh thats about it. im hispanic. (dont know if that helps)

but how would i put any of that in the poem?hm im attempting to write it like you did so it may take a little time. and it wont be any good
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


18 posted 02-20-2009 02:12 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

O dearest Leo, my knight hero
Most handsome, confident and brave.
Winged raven hair and velvet eyes
On battle charger to my save.

Distorted thoughts overflow my head(and?)
to this dispair im forced to succumb
my strength is dwindling to its end
here i lie waiting for you to come.

its pretty bad i know.. does it even make sense?
Do those words even rhyme?
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
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19 posted 02-20-2009 02:47 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle



For your first attempt a rhyme it is beautiful.  


BUT! We've still got to tell Sir Leo what we look like. Give me a sec and let me look at your adjectives.
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


20 posted 02-20-2009 02:55 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

oki doki.. and thank you
turtle
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since 01-23-2009
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21 posted 02-20-2009 03:00 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

curly black hair, deep brown eyes, im fit. and pimple free, good looking

Okay. Now we have some adjective phrases to work with.

As plainly seen I'm fair young damsel
With silky skin and hair in tress.
Remember not of our last meeting?
Please Sir, do come at my distress.


Because the scenerio is set in Medievel times. We want to use words and phrasing that gives the reader that effect. This is my complete second thought for this poem.

turtle
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since 01-23-2009
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22 posted 02-20-2009 03:29 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

The king of kenya has captured
me. His knights have dragged me to their most strateque tower they've forced me to stop
fighting, defeating me and making me too weak.


Now. We have told dearest Leo how cool we think he is and we've reminded him about how hot we are.
It is time to cut to the chase and tell Sir Leo why we are writing him this poem.

An evil king in towered castle
Now holds captive your lady fair
Thus I am weak and languish darkly
In this kingdom of despair


There is still a hugh amount of information in your letter and several more stanzas
could easily be added to this poem, but for me, This says everything I want to say
in a poem to Sir Leo. This third stanza (For me) completes the poem.

The Kingdom Of Despair

O dearest Leo, my knight hero
Most dashing, confident and brave.
Winged raven hair and velvet eyes
On battle charger to my save.

As plainly seen I'm fair young damsel
With silky skin and hair in tress.
Remember not of our last meeting?
Please Sir, do come at my distress.

Yon evil king in towered castle
Now holds captive your lady fair,
Thus I am weak and languish darkly
In this kingdom of despair.

  

[This message has been edited by turtle (02-20-2009 07:11 PM).]

turtle
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since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
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23 posted 02-20-2009 03:37 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Here is my completed version of your poem with an added stanza.

The Kingdom Of Despair

O dearest Leo, my knight hero
Most dashing, confident and brave.
Winged raven hair and velvet eyes
Ride battle charger to my save.
As plainly seen I'm fair young damsel
With silky skin and hair in tress.
Remember not of our last meeting?
Please Sir, do come at my distress.
Yon evil king in towered castle
Now holds captive your lady fair,
Thus I am weak and languish darkly
In this kingdom of despair.

And as she stood there, on that corner,
So young a girl with raven hair.
She smiled at me and asked politely,
Please Sir and help with my despair?

For nina

  

[This message has been edited by turtle (02-21-2009 04:44 AM).]

nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


24 posted 02-20-2009 03:58 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

oh my god. How the heck.. wow great poem. thank you sooo much. hey your the first person to write a poem for me. if you dont mind me asking, what is your name? you know mine i would like to know yours. this is the sweetest thing any one has ever done  for me. truly it is. and i dont see how anyone will be able to top this
 
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