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nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

0 posted 2009-02-18 09:08 PM

TRUST ME I KNOW IT SUCKS !!! buts thats why im posting it. i need some help expanding this and i absolutely need critisicm.

We are the                                    brocken
We are the                                    shattered
We are the                                    neglected

We are the unseen shadows in the dark corners
We are the unrepairable pieces of your unused mirror
We are the ones who fill your empty frames lining your walls
We are the unheard cries from behind your reflection
We are the ones who surround you

THANK YOU!

turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

1 posted 2009-02-18 10:00 PM

Hi nina,

You're supposed to be reading a book.

Nina, I don't know who "WE" is. Maybe it would be better to first
explain to me who 'WE' is so that I can understand your thoughts.

......Nope!.... Forget that!

Lets pretend that you are a damsel in distress. You're
locked away in the tower of some dark castle and you
are writing a letter to your knight hero. You want to show
him your heart, in hopes that he might come and rescue
you.

For him to find you, you must first tell him who you are
(I am fair damsel in distress)

and where it is that you languish in despair.
(locked away in lofty castle tower)

Now, go write a letter to your knight hero, then post it here
and we will try to help show you how to turn this into a poem.

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

2 posted 2009-02-18 10:05 PM

haha i was actually reading impulse by my favorite author, Ellen hopkins. i understand what you are saying but i did state who we are, to vague? (tell me if im wrong becuase i will gladly write the letter, truly i will).
" we are the broken
We are the shattered
We are the neglected"
but honestly i cant specify who "We" are. i think that may be part of my poem, the mystery in it. OR should i just write the letter?

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

3 posted 2009-02-18 10:09 PM

dear hero

I cant tell you why to save me. there are better people in need. I am an unstable and unwanted person. My heart has nothing to spill but emptniness. saving me would do you no good. We will not fall in love or even become friends. for that is why im in this tower. The queen (a.k.a mother) sent me up her becuase i show no affection or compassion. Go save another princess and fall in love.

turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

4 posted 2009-02-18 10:11 PM

nina,

"WE", could be a gaggle of geese.
"WE", could be all the children of the world.
"WE", could be you and your imaginary friend.

Write the letter. lol

That's not a letter nina and we are pretending here,
so try to pretend that you are that damsel in distress.

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

5 posted 2009-02-18 10:14 PM

hahahha

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

6 posted 2009-02-18 10:25 PM

Dear unknown hero,

help me please. i am locked in this tower and am in need of rescueing (and a dictionary). Rescueing me would mean great glory and sucess. it will mean garunteed true love and happiness. my name is nina. i am the daughter of india and the duaghter of a stranger. for India is a queen, therefore making me a princess. i'm locked in a tower where darkness encompasses me. the darkness minipulates me into believing im safe here, thats there is security. i write this to you before i  fall for the trap. before i believe i want to be here. before i believe this is home. i do not think i am strong enough to fight off the darkness. My hope and faith is alreading fading, erasing its existence. please come help me before it is too late. i need you
                   yours truely,
                             Nina

[This message has been edited by nina1522 (02-18-2009 11:07 PM).]

turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

7 posted 2009-02-18 11:36 PM

If you call him your "unknown" hero, how is he going to know this letter is to him?

{dictionary yes, but you could spell check this by putting it into an email and clicking spell check)

WHO'S true love and happiness?

"i'm locked in a tower where darkness encompasses me. the darkness minipulates me into believing im safe here" .....I like this. keep it and we'll work on it.

"i write this to you before i fall for the trap"... Intrigue! Good!

"before i believe i want to be here. before i believe this is home"....Naw! You're held in a castle
against your will, and this is a castle not a home. (stick to the story.)

. "i do not think i am strong enough to fight off the darkness"....With better context this might work.

'My hope and faith is alreading fading, erasing its existence "......Too vague! Cliche'!...Redo it.

please come help me before it is too late. i need you"......Good, we can work with this.

"yours truely,.......A conclusion? Good!
Nina"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, so far your kight hero is not sure who he is, or where you are.

I suspect, by now, he's southbound on a northbound donkey.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Go and read this link:
http://cla.calpoly.edu/~dschwart/engl513/courtly/courtly.htm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then start over and see if we can get this yokel pointed in the right direction..

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

8 posted 2009-02-18 11:43 PM

thank you. ill start it now.

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

9 posted 2009-02-19 12:31 PM

dear sir leo,

Im in need of your help. Helping me would mean great sucess and love for you. For I am highly ranked in my society's kingdom and my father owns many of acres filled with crops.The king of kenya has captured me. His knights have dragged me to their most strateque tower. Stones fill the windows, blocking all light from entering my room. Darkness encompasses me, minipulating me to believe im safe here. Giving me a false sense of security. I write this to you before i fall for the trap. Before the darkenss overcomes me and forces me to stop fighting, defeating me and making me too weak. I do not presume i will conquer this fight. already my strength is fading, erasing its existence. Please come help me. I need you before it is too late.
Yours truly,
Nina

turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

10 posted 2009-02-19 05:35 AM

We're getting better.

Now. I've got to deliver this letter to your Sir Leo, so he knows that you need him.

I'm standing, letter in hand, in the courtyard, but it's filled with knight heros.....

What does this guy look like?

....Kenya?....Where the heck did you get Kenya? lol

[This message has been edited by turtle (02-19-2009 06:34 AM).]

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

11 posted 2009-02-19 09:02 AM

haha first country that came to mind. sir leo is the man who is sitting near the fountain. he is the man who us confidfent and handsome but not cocky.his is the one with the black hair and soft eyes. he doesnt look the strongest but in battle he never loses. he is the one who needs to save me. for he will protect me when no one else can.

[This message has been edited by nina1522 (02-19-2009 09:56 AM).]

turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

12 posted 2009-02-19 12:36 PM

Okay. I have removed the unneeded and repeated information from your two letters,
kept the description of Sir Leo and placed what we don't need in the "Delete pile:"

This is what we will use to constuct your letter:

help me please. i am locked in this tower and am in need of rescueing  Helping me
would mean great sucess and love for you it will mean garunteed true love and happiness.
my name is nina. i am the daughter of india and the duaghter of a stranger. .   i write this
to you before i fall for the trap.  I am highly ranked in my society's kingdom and my father
owns many of acres filled with crops.The king of kenya has captured me. His knights
have dragged me to their most strateque tower. Stones fill the windows, blocking all light
from entering my room. Darkness encompasses me, minipulating me to believe im safe
here. Giving me a false sense of security. I write this to you before i fall for the trap.
Before the darkenss overcomes me and forces me to stop fighting, defeating me and
making me too weak. I do not presume i will conquer this fight. already my strength is
fading, erasing its existence. Please come help me. I need you before it is too late.

confidfent and handsome black hair and soft eyes. in battle he never loses.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Let's see. We'll have to organize this a little. The first thing Sir Leo needs to know is who
the letter is from:

my name is nina. i am the daughter of india and the duaghter of a stranger.

The next thing is why you are writing the letter:

The king of kenya has captured me. His knights have dragged me to their most strateque
tower. ,and forces me to stop fighting, defeating me and making me too weak. minipulating
me to believe im safe here

Then we need to tell him what is wrong:

Darkness encompasses me blocking all light from entering my room. Giving me a false
sense of security. I do not presume i will conquer this fight. already my strength is fading, I
write this to you before i fall for the trap.

Now we need to tell Sir Leo what's in it for him:

For I am highly ranked in my society's kingdom and my father owns many of acres
Helping me would mean great sucess and love for you.

And finally a conclusion:

Please come help me. I need you before it is too late.
============================================================
So. This is what we have to start work with. Go over this and change or fix anything
you don't like.

Dear  (confidfent and handsome black hair and soft eyes. in battle he never loses.) Sir leo,

i am the daughter of india and the duaghter of a stranger The king of kenya has captured
me. His knights have dragged me to their most strateque tower. ,and forces me to stop
fighting, defeating me and making me too weak. minipulating me to believe im safe here
Darkness encompasses me blocking all light from entering my room. Giving me a false
sense of security. I do not presume i will conquer this fight. already my strength is fading, I
write this to you before i fall for the trap.  I am highly ranked in my society's kingdom and
my father owns many of acres Helping me would mean great sucess and love for you.
Please come help me. I need you before it is too late.

Very Truely yours nina
===============================================================

Delete pile:
(and a dictionary).
haha first country that came to mind. sir leo is the man who is sitting near the fountain. he is the
man who us  but not cocky.his is the one with the  he doesnt look the strongest but  he is the one
who needs to save me. for he will protect me when no one else can.
My hope and faith is alreading fading, erasing its existence. please come help me before it is too late.
i need you
before i believe i want to be here. before i believe this is home. i do not think i am strong enough to
fight off the darkness. For
i write this to you before i fall for the trap.
the darkness minipulates me into believing im safe here, thats there is security.
i'm locked in a tower where darkness encompasses me.
for India is a queen, therefore making me a princess
Im in need of your help. Rescueing me would mean great glory and sucess..

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

13 posted 2009-02-19 02:11 PM

Dear  (confidfent and handsome black hair and soft eyes. in battle he never loses.) Sir leo,

i am the daughter of India and the duaghter of a stranger The king of kenya has captured
me. His knights have dragged me to their most strateque tower they've forced me to stop
fighting, defeating me and making me too weak. The king is minipulating me to believe im safe here. Giving me a false
sense of security. Darkness encompasses, rockes block all light from entering my room.  I do not presume i will conquer this fight. already my strength is fading, I
write this to you before i fall for the trap.  I am highly ranked in my society's kingdom and
my father owns many of acres Helping me would mean great sucess and love for you.
Please come help me. I need you before it is too late.

Very Truely yours,
                Nina

turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

14 posted 2009-02-19 02:44 PM

lol

You gotta get rid of the King of Kenya t

You know that one isn't going to fly.

Well let me go over this and get back later (tomorrow)

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

15 posted 2009-02-19 02:52 PM

thank you very much turtle. i appreciate you taking out of your day to work with me.
nina

turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

16 posted 2009-02-20 01:05 PM

Thank you nina, I just hope this might help both you and anyone else that's interested.

Dear (confidfent and handsome black hair and soft eyes. in battle he never loses.) Sir leo,

i am the daughter of India and the duaghter of a stranger The king of kenya has captured
me. His knights have dragged me to their most strateque tower they've forced me to stop
fighting, defeating me and making me too weak. The king is minipulating me to believe im
safe here. Giving me a false sense of security. Darkness encompasses, rockes block all light
from entering my room. I do not presume i will conquer this fight. already my strength is fading,
I write this to you before i fall for the trap. I am highly ranked in my society's kingdom and
my father owns many of acres Helping me would mean great sucess and love for you.
Please come help me. I need you before it is too late.

Very Truely yours,
Nina

Tltle:

You had a title for your original poem when you started this thread "Shattered glass",
but now we've changed the story and you need a new title for this poem.

fighting.... defeating me....false sense of security........ strength is fading

What does this sound like to you?
This sounds like despair to me.
A title should tell the reader (Sir Leo) what your poem is about, dispair.

daughter of India...The king..... kingdom

Most things that happen need a place to happen and so does dispair.
If the damsel in distress is the daughter of India and she's held in a
kingdom, then that kingdom must be the kingdom of dispair.

What do you think a good title might be for this poem?

Poem:

Nina, art is a fickled thing. you can write down anything you want, stick a
title on it and call it a poem. But, this is a poem to Sir Leo.

In a letter, we say, "Dear Sir and Very Truely Yours", but a poem is
meant to be less formal and more intament. When you pick up a pen
and start writing to someone, don't you picture that person in your mind?

You are a damsel in distress. This castle, the King is holding you in is dark,
cold, there's no TV and it sucks. You want to woe Sir Leo so he'll get you the
heck out of there. Besides "Dear Sir leo", like in a letter, you want to tell him how you picture him in your mind:

Dear (confidfent and handsome black hair and soft eyes. in battle he never loses.) Sir leo,

In order to describe Sir Leo, we use adjectives, This first line of your letter is chock full of adjectives and this shoud be easy.

The Kingdom Of Despair

O dearest Leo, my knight hero
Most handsome, confident and brave.
Winged raven hair and velvet eyes
On battle charger to my save.

This is the first " complete thought" of this poem.

Now. Sir Leo knows what you look like and he thinks you're a hot babe. You
know he thinks you're a hot babe. You want to remind him of what you look like
to put that picture of you in his mind. (Remember we're woeing here.)

daughter of India and the duaghter of a stranger.... I am highly ranked in my society's kingdom.....princess... love for you

Hmmm, Are you sure this is all you want you tell Sir Leo about his damsel in distress?

[This message has been edited by turtle (02-21-2009 04:49 AM).]

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

17 posted 2009-02-20 01:48 PM

hm.. in a non poetic way i look like this... i have very curly black hair, a little longer then shoulder length. deep brown eyes, my grandmother says they are almond shape. i play a sport for each season at my high school so im fit. and pimple free haha. Im tan, not too short and not too tall, i guess average hieght. a couple of guys told me i was good looking. uh thats about it. im hispanic. (dont know if that helps)

but how would i put any of that in the poem?hm im attempting to write it like you did so it may take a little time. and it wont be any good

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

18 posted 2009-02-20 02:12 PM

O dearest Leo, my knight hero
Most handsome, confident and brave.
Winged raven hair and velvet eyes
On battle charger to my save.

Distorted thoughts overflow my head(and?)
to this dispair im forced to succumb
my strength is dwindling to its end
here i lie waiting for you to come.

its pretty bad i know.. does it even make sense?
Do those words even rhyme?

turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

19 posted 2009-02-20 02:47 PM

For your first attempt a rhyme it is beautiful.

BUT! We've still got to tell Sir Leo what we look like. Give me a sec and let me look at your adjectives.

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

20 posted 2009-02-20 02:55 PM

oki doki.. and thank you

turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

21 posted 2009-02-20 03:00 PM

curly black hair, deep brown eyes, im fit. and pimple free, good looking

Okay. Now we have some adjective phrases to work with.

As plainly seen I'm fair young damsel
With silky skin and hair in tress.
Remember not of our last meeting?
Please Sir, do come at my distress.

Because the scenerio is set in Medievel times. We want to use words and phrasing that gives the reader that effect. This is my complete second thought for this poem.

turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

22 posted 2009-02-20 03:29 PM

The king of kenya has captured
me. His knights have dragged me to their most strateque tower they've forced me to stop
fighting, defeating me and making me too weak.

Now. We have told dearest Leo how cool we think he is and we've reminded him about how hot we are.
It is time to cut to the chase and tell Sir Leo why we are writing him this poem.

An evil king in towered castle
Now holds captive your lady fair
Thus I am weak and languish darkly
In this kingdom of despair

There is still a hugh amount of information in your letter and several more stanzas
could easily be added to this poem, but for me, This says everything I want to say
in a poem to Sir Leo. This third stanza (For me) completes the poem.

The Kingdom Of Despair

O dearest Leo, my knight hero
Most dashing, confident and brave.
Winged raven hair and velvet eyes
On battle charger to my save.

As plainly seen I'm fair young damsel
With silky skin and hair in tress.
Remember not of our last meeting?
Please Sir, do come at my distress.

Yon evil king in towered castle
Now holds captive your lady fair,
Thus I am weak and languish darkly
In this kingdom of despair.

[This message has been edited by turtle (02-20-2009 07:11 PM).]

turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

23 posted 2009-02-20 03:37 PM

Here is my completed version of your poem with an added stanza.

The Kingdom Of Despair

O dearest Leo, my knight hero
Most dashing, confident and brave.
Winged raven hair and velvet eyes
Ride battle charger to my save.
As plainly seen I'm fair young damsel
With silky skin and hair in tress.
Remember not of our last meeting?
Please Sir, do come at my distress.
Yon evil king in towered castle
Now holds captive your lady fair,
Thus I am weak and languish darkly
In this kingdom of despair.

And as she stood there, on that corner,
So young a girl with raven hair.
She smiled at me and asked politely,
Please Sir and help with my despair?

For nina

[This message has been edited by turtle (02-21-2009 04:44 AM).]

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

24 posted 2009-02-20 03:58 PM

oh my god. How the heck.. wow great poem. thank you sooo much. hey your the first person to write a poem for me. if you dont mind me asking, what is your name? you know mine i would like to know yours. this is the sweetest thing any one has ever done for me. truly it is. and i dont see how anyone will be able to top this

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

25 posted 2009-02-20 04:02 PM

also i enjoyed writing writing this but how does it help me dtermine who "WE" is? is those who are in despair?

turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

26 posted 2009-02-20 04:03 PM

I'm just a turtle.

This is the internet sweetheart.

turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

27 posted 2009-02-20 04:06 PM

Now that you've seen how I've done this (take each complete thought one at a time in your letter and write a poem.)

turtle

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

28 posted 2009-02-20 04:12 PM

ok turtle it is. haha. i will attempt to write a poem from this letter myself

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

29 posted 2009-02-20 06:30 PM

sorry ive been really busy and ive only written a couple of stanzas. and they arent that great.

For the trechorous king has taken me prisoner.
They've forced me atop the stairs made of stones.
confining me in shadowy darkness
in hopes of obtaing my future throne.

Distorted thoughts overflow my head
to this dispair im forced to succumb
my strength is dwindling to its end
here i lie waiting for you to come.

My bones are weak
my head is tired .
i need your help
your the one ive admired.

turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

30 posted 2009-02-20 07:36 PM

Wow nina! Rhymed verse in four line stanzas! I've show people this a half dozen times and they couldn't figure it out. Is this your first rhymed poem? I am truely impressed!

Below here, I have taken each complete thought in your letter and double
spaced them to show you how to divide this up. If you want, you can take
each one (like I've shown you) and use the information in that complete
thought to write a 4 line rhymed stanza (Just like you're doing). Wanna try?

(Dear (confidfent and handsome black hair and soft eyes. in battle he never loses.) Sir leo,)

(i am the daughter of India and the duaghter of a strangerdaughter ..... curly black hair....., deep brown eyes,... .....im fit. and pimple free, good looking )

(The king of kenya has captured me. His knights have dragged me to their most strateque tower they've forced me to stop fighting, defeating me and making me too weak. The king is minipulating me to believe im safe here. Giving me a false sense of security. )

(Darkness encompasses, rockes block all light
from entering my room. I do not presume i will conquer this fight. already my strength is fading,
I write this to you before i fall for the trap.)

(I am highly ranked in my society's kingdom and
my father owns many of acres Helping me would mean great sucess and love for you.)

(Please come help me. I need you before it is too late. very truly yours nina)

I'll be back tomorrow

[This message has been edited by turtle (02-20-2009 08:41 PM).]

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

31 posted 2009-02-20 09:08 PM

yes this is my first time attempting rhyme. ive been doing as you told me but i deleted the lines so you could read the poem. i will keep them for now on and continue to write the poem. i truly enjoy writing this.

turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

32 posted 2009-02-21 02:44 PM

Okay. I kinda left this a little vague for you, because I wanted your mind
to try and figure out what I'm doing instead of me just telling you. Now I
will explain what I'm doing and how I'm doing it.

Lets take the more difficult third complete thought (I used) and
compare it to the stanza I wrote for it:

The king of kenya has captured me. His knights have dragged me to their most strateque tower they've forced me to stop fighting, defeating me and making me too weak. The king is minipulating me to believe im  safe here. Giving me a false sense of security. )Darkness encompasses, rockes block all light
from entering my room. I do not presume i will conquer this fight. already my strength is fading,
I write this to you before i fall for the trap. )

Yon evil king in towered castle
Now holds captive your lady fair
Thus I am weak and languish darkly
In this kingdom of despair

This stanza contains only 16 feet...little more than a pattering of geese. How do
I get all the information (in the third complete thought) into such a small package?

I do this by finding the subject of the thought, what is happening to that
subject and sum it up as a "theme" for the stanza. Just like I showed you
when I was determining a title for this poem.

The king of kenya has captured me. His knights have dragged me to their most strateque tower they've forced me to stop fighting

What might one word be that would describe what is going on here? "imprisoned"

defeating me and making me too weak. The king is minipulating me to believe im  safe here. Giving me a false sense of security.Darkness encompasses, rockes block all light
from entering my room. I do not presume i will conquer this fight. already my strength is fading,
I write this to you before i fall for the trap.

What might one word be that describes this result of imprisonment? "despair"

So my "theme" for this stanza is "Imprisoned in despair"

Now I begin constructing the stanza based on this "theme" and using
the information in the thought to describe that theme.

The king of kenya has captured me. His knights have dragged me to their most strateque tower they've forced me to stop fighting

Yon evil king in towered castle
Now holds captive your lady fair.

defeating me and making me too weak. The king is minipulating me to believe im  safe here. Giving me a false sense of security.Darkness encompasses, rockes block all light
from entering my room. I do not presume i will conquer this fight. already my strength is fading,
I write this to you before i fall for the trap.

Thus I am weak and languish darkly
In this kingdom of despair.

Do I use every word in this thought? That would be impossible.
BUT the "theme" of the stanza and the "theme" of the thought are the same.

By using a "theme" I can turn anything from one word to an entire
book into a four line stanza.

I think this should clear up what's going on here.

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

33 posted 2009-02-21 03:13 PM

sorry i understtod what you asked me to do. i just got home from a very long basketball tournment and wasnt able to get to a computer to work on it. i am working on it now.

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

34 posted 2009-02-21 03:27 PM

(Dear (confidfent and handsome black hair and soft eyes. in battle he never loses.) Sir leo,)

"dear sir leo, my knight hero"
my admiration with everlasting chestnut eyes.
In a battle you always conquer
and to this king you shall defy

You were the one i franternized with as a child
You were my esoteric friend.
My time is greatly shortening
there's somerhing i must say before i meet my end.

not really sure if they are any good but they are still rough

turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

35 posted 2009-02-21 04:44 PM

No nina, this is perfect, you are understanding exactly what you need to understand....For now

Keep going until you've finished your poem then we will begin.

...Did ya win the tournament?

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

36 posted 2009-02-21 04:55 PM

yeah we won the first game and lost by one shot for the second. so we are finished second in states. and i will finish the poem by tonight and i will post it as i go.

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

37 posted 2009-02-21 05:32 PM

[This message has been edited by nina1522 (02-21-2009 06:52 PM).]

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

38 posted 2009-02-21 06:11 PM

Dear (confidfent and handsome black hair and soft eyes. in battle he never loses.) Sir leo,)

"dear sir leo, my knight hero"
my admiration with everlasting chestnut eyes.
In a battle you always conquer
and to this king you shall defies

You were the one i franternized with as a child
You were my esoteric friend.
My  time is greatly shortening
there's somerhing i must say before i meet my end.

(i am the daughter of India and the duaghter of a strangerdaughter ..... curly black hair....., deep brown eyes,... .....im fit. and pimple free, good looking )

I'm the unwanted daughter of a strangered king
I am still the unsuited daughter of a queen
their desire is to replace me
for now im almost sixteen

my hair has swirls of untamed curls
down my back swims black and brown.               or               down my shoulders black interweaves with brown

i am the rightful owner of Spain's crown

(The king of kenya has captured me. His knights have dragged me to their most strateque tower they've forced me to stop fighting, defeating me and making me too weak. The king is minipulating me to believe im  safe here. Giving me a false sense of security. )

For the trechorous king has taken me prisoner.
They've forced me atop the stairs made of stones.
confining me in shadowy darkness
in hopes of obtaing my future throne.

Distorted thoughts overflow my head
to this dispair im forced to succumb
my strength is dwindling to its end
here i lie waiting for you to come.

(Darkness encompasses, rockes block all light
from entering my room. I do not presume i will conquer this fight. already my strength is fading,
I write this to you before i fall for the trap.)

camouflaged shadows ecnloses around me
wishing for a battle and preparing for the action
but i  know something bigger is occuring
and they are just mere distraction.

My bones are weak
my head is tired .
i need your help
your the one ive admired.

(I am highly ranked in my society's kingdom and
my father owns many of acres Helping me would mean great sucess and love for you.)

Need some more time for this one

(Please come help me. I need you before it is too late. very truly yours nina)

My courage is fading
my strength is dieing
dispair is closing in
to this darkness i am denying

[This message has been edited by nina1522 (02-21-2009 07:03 PM).]

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

39 posted 2009-02-21 08:36 PM

actually im changing that to...

(Please come help me. I need you before it is too late. very truly yours nina)

My strength is fading
my time is dieing
dispair is closing in
to this darkness i am denying

i dont want to make her sound weak with saying that her courage is dieing

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

40 posted 2009-02-21 09:04 PM

Yep! You're getting it down to shorter lines, that;s good.

I know some of these are tuff.

Hmmmm......

Let me think about this....

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

41 posted 2009-02-21 09:14 PM

Okay!

nina, click on this link, go over to chop's thread and read down from the link in the
middle of my last post, where I explain how to use the link, Then go to Rhymezone and
find smaller words that mean the same thing as the bigger words you're trying to use.

/pip/Forum28/HTML/002431.html

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

42 posted 2009-02-21 09:18 PM

ok thanks... here is one i fixed

You were the one i knew as child
You were my secret friend.
My time is greatly shortening
i have something to say before i meet my end.

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

43 posted 2009-02-21 09:20 PM

and another...

For the king has taken me prisoner.
forcing me atop the stairs made of stones.
confining me in shadowy darkness
in hopes of obtaing my future throne.

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

44 posted 2009-02-21 09:21 PM

these are small changes but they make the lines more evened out... i think. im still very new to this poetry and rhyming thing. This is only like my 4th poem ever written.

"dear sir leo, my knight hero"
my admiration with chestnut eyes.
In a battle you always conquer
and to this king you shall defies

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

45 posted 2009-02-21 09:25 PM

haha i love how you put a note in the comment vox for chopsticks. haha.

my hair has swirls of untamed curls
down my back swims black and brown.               or               down my shoulders black interweaves with brown

i am the rightful owner of Spain's crown

            TO
my hair has untamed curls
down my back swims black and brown.
i, who wears the princess dress
is the rightful owner of Spain's crown

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

46 posted 2009-02-21 09:31 PM

You're getting better and this is fine.

Evetually we'll need to get all the stanzas down to this size. For now though, just try to get each stanza where you think you're ready. Then we'll try to put it together.

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

47 posted 2009-02-21 09:33 PM

Finally...

camouflaged shadows ecnloses around me
wishing for a battle and preparing for the action
but i know something bigger is occuring
and they are just mere distraction.

TO
cshadows ecnloses around me
preparing for the action
something bigger is occuring
and they are just mere distraction.

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

48 posted 2009-02-21 09:36 PM

Hahaha

Very Good!

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

49 posted 2009-02-21 09:39 PM

(Dear (confidfent and handsome black hair and soft eyes. in battle he never loses.) Sir leo,)

dear sir leo, my knight hero"
my admiration with chestnut eyes.
In a battle you always conquer
and to this king you shall defies

You are who i knew as a child
You were my friend.
My time is  shortening
i needyou before i see my end

(i am the daughter of India and the duaghter of a strangerdaughter ..... curly black hair....., deep brown eyes,... .....im fit. and pimple free, good looking )

I'm the daughter of a  king
I am the  daughter of a queen
their  wish is to replace me
for now im almost sixteen

my hair has swirls of untamed curls
down my back swims black and brown.
i, who wears the princess dress
i am the rightful owner of Spain's crown

(The king of kenya has captured me. His knights have dragged me to their most strateque tower they've forced me to stop fighting, defeating me and making me too weak. The king is minipulating me to believe im  safe here. Giving me a false sense of security. )

For the king has taken me prisoner.
forcin me atop the stairs made of stones.
confining me in shadowy darkness
in hopes of obtaing my future throne.

Distorted thoughts overflow my head
to this dispair im forced to succumb
my strength is dwindling to its end
here i lie waiting for you to come.

(Darkness encompasses, rockes block all light
from entering my room. I do not presume i will conquer this fight. already my strength is fading,
I write this to you before i fall for the trap.)

shadows ecnloses around me
preparing for the action
something bigger is occuring
and they are just a distraction.

My bones are weak
my head is tired .
i need your help
your the one ive admired.

(I am highly ranked in my society's kingdom and
my father owns many of acres Helping me would mean great sucess and love for you.)

(Please come help me. I need you before it is too late. very truly yours nina)

my courage is fading
My strength is dieing
dispair is closing in
and to this darkness i am denying

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

50 posted 2009-02-21 10:50 PM

what do i do now? i think this is the shortest i could get the stanzas

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

51 posted 2009-02-21 11:24 PM

hi nina,

Let me look at this and I'll be back tomorrow to go over it with you.

I think this will turn out well

turtle

[This message has been edited by turtle (02-22-2009 11:58 AM).]

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

52 posted 2009-02-22 12:02 PM

Nina, I forgot to tell you. I changed that poem I wrote to you a little bit.....At 2am

So if you copied it you may want to recopy......sorry

turtles

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here are the stanzas I want to keep. For now I've put the repeated and
changed stuff in the Deleted pile that we'll keep for now. (There may be
something we'll want to use.)

dear sir leo, my knight hero"
my admiration with chestnut eyes.
In a battle you always conquer
and to this king you shall defies

my hair has swirls of untamed curls
down my back swims black and brown.
i, who wears the princess dress
i am the rightful owner of Spain's crown

You are who i knew as a child
You were my friend.
My time is shortening
i needyou before i see my end

For the king has taken me prisoner.
forcing me atop the stairs made of stones.
confining me in shadowy darkness
in hopes of obtaing my future throne

shadows ecnloses around me
preparing for the action
something bigger is occuring
and they are just a distraction.

Distorted thoughts overflow my head
to this dispair im forced to succumb
my strength is dwindling to its end
here i lie waiting for you to come.

Delete Pile:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!
"dear sir leo, my knight hero"
my admiration with chestnut eyes.
In a battle you always conquer
and to this king you shall defies

You were the one i franternized with as a child
You were my esoteric friend.
My time is greatly shortening
there's somerhing i must say before i meet my end.

I'm the unwanted daughter of a strangered king
I am still the unsuited daughter of a queen
their desire is to replace me
for now im almost sixteen

My bones are weak
my head is tired .
i need your help
your the one ive admired.
My courage is fading
my strength is dieing
dispair is closing in
to this darkness i am denying
You were the one i knew as child
You were my secret friend.
My time is greatly shortening
i have something to say before i meet my end.
For the king has taken me prisoner.
forcing me atop the stairs made of stones.
confining me in shadowy darkness
in hopes of obtaing my future throne.

my hair has untamed curls
down my back swims black and brown.
i, who wears the princess dress
is the rightful owner of Spain's crown
camouflaged shadows ecnloses around me
wishing for a battle and preparing for the action
but i know something bigger is occuring
and they are just mere distraction.

cshadows ecnloses around me
preparing for the action
something bigger is occuring
and they are just mere distraction.

dear sir leo, my knight hero"
my admiration with chestnut eyes.
In a battle you always conquer
and to this king you shall defies

You are who i knew as a child
You were my friend.
My time is shortening
i needyou before i see my end
I'm the daughter of a king
I am the daughter of a queen
their wish is to replace me
for now im almost sixteen

my hair has swirls of untamed curls
down my back swims black and brown.
i, who wears the princess dress
i am the rightful owner of Spain's crown

For the king has taken me prisoner.
forcin me atop the stairs made of stones.
confining me in shadowy darkness
in hopes of obtaing my future throne,

Distorted thoughts overflow my head
to this dispair im forced to succumb
my strength is dwindling to its end
here i lie waiting for you to come.

shadows ecnloses around me
preparing for the action
something bigger is occuring
and they are just a distraction.

My bones are weak
my head is tired .
i need your help
your the one ive admired.

my courage is fading
My strength is dieing
dispair is closing in
and to this darkness i am denying

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

53 posted 2009-02-22 12:05 PM

ok. um do i revise those now? sorry i really dont know what to do from here. i cant be finished

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

54 posted 2009-02-22 12:23 PM

Hi nina,

I wasn't expecting you this fast   lol

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lets start with the first stanza and go through it to fix the rhythm, wording and  context.

dear sir leo, my knight hero"
my admiration with chestnut eyes.
In a battle you always conquer
and to this king you shall defies

In this stanza, line 1, or (S1L1). A rhymed poem has a rhythm that is called meter. One of the things I will use to fix this poem is meter. You do not understand meter yet and it is difficult to understand.  so for now lets just call it the music of the poem.

if I say "My dear sir leo" "dear and Le - o  should be the two sounds you hear loudest. So "My dear Sir Leo" should sound like a heart beat

thump THUMP thump THUMP thump
"My dear Sir Leo"

This is the rhythm, or the music we want to use in this poem.

Lets add another "My" to the first line and that will fix its rhythm.

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

55 posted 2009-02-22 12:37 PM

alright.. im confused. (sorry)

but i think that this is what you are trying to tell me. that there needs to be a good flow of words through out the poem and the meter is what will help it. but, like you said, i dont understand meter yet. so its (to my understanding) the way words flow?

My dear sir leo, my knight hero"
my one with soft eyes.
In battle you always conquer
to the king you shall defies

....right?

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

56 posted 2009-02-22 12:42 PM

but ill be back in a bit i have to go out. br home at like 3

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

57 posted 2009-02-22 12:42 PM

yes, but it is how the tempo, the music flows

So, yes you are understanding what I'm saying

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

58 posted 2009-02-22 12:47 PM

Okay, I'll check back in a while

nina, don't worry about understanding meter for now

I will be explaining that, but for now, lets just work on this one poem.

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

59 posted 2009-02-22 04:11 PM

ok im back. did i revise that one coreectly?

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

60 posted 2009-02-22 04:22 PM

nina I want to go through this with you one line at a time. The first line, Yes. lets look at the next line.

my admiration with chestnut eyes.

In this the second line, (S1L2). "admiration" just isn't poetic enough. Why don't we go to Rhymezone to see if there's a word that might work better.

"adore" is a sweet little word and would work well for this poem. So how could we use it? Hmmm....
OH! I know. We'll turn it into a noun!
"adoration"!

Now. "My"?....To many "my"s here nina. Lets find something sweet to replace it with........Like, "Sweet"!

So lets see:

My dear Sir Leo, my knight hero
Sweet adoration with chestnut eyes

Whadda ya think?

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

61 posted 2009-02-22 04:33 PM

yeah that sounds better. so conquer isnt really poetic (in my point of view) so ill change that to...

My dear Sir Leo, my knight hero
Sweet adoration with chestnut eyes
In a battle you ever sieze (?)
to the king you shall defies

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

62 posted 2009-02-22 04:39 PM

Yep! I was going to get to that next

You have a good eye. Conqure needs to go

Also there is a problem with the context of the next 2 lines (the flow of meaning, or whether it is clear)

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

63 posted 2009-02-22 04:41 PM

Now. (S1L3)

In a battle you always conquer

Notice that the music in this line starts:

"In a battle"
thump thump THUMP thump

And it doesn't have the "thump THUMP" that we want?

How can we fix this and still say the same thing?....

Hmmm....I'm looking at the last line also and that king is out of context. Let me make a suggestion for L3 & L4, so I can fix the context. Lets move the king up in line 4 and put him in line 3. Then I can fix the logical meaning of these last 2 lines. By doing this we can make a new line 4 that complements the next stanza.

In a battle you always conquer

Lets replace this with

"If triumph be, in kingly battle,"

???

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

64 posted 2009-02-22 04:45 PM

then (not sure if this makes sense)

all my enemies you shall defy (?)

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

65 posted 2009-02-22 04:46 PM

never mind.. ok understand what your saying now. just erase what i just said

how about...

with you, is where my heart lies

turtle
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Posts 548
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66 posted 2009-02-22 04:50 PM

No, I was thinking about how to make the meaning in this stanza flow logically into the next stanza....

Here, let me show you what I mean.

Okey Dokey.

Lets look at the context here.

At the end of this stanza you are offering yourself as prize to Sir Leo. Then you go on in the next stanza to describe yourself and tell him what that prize will look like..(In the context that you are that prize being offered.)

(Remember, it sucks in that tower)....lol

So we want to be up front with Leo and TELL him we are his prize.

Kinda like this:
"Then I'll be yours as tender prize"

Lets look at this.....

"My dear Sir Leo, my knight hero.
Sweet adoration with chestnut eyes.
If triumph be, in kingly battle,
Then I'll be yours as tender prize."

Hmmmm, I don't know, this may still need work. What do ya think?

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

67 posted 2009-02-22 04:55 PM

i think we should take out "Then" so it flows better. but you know best.
but i think that it should be

if truimph be, in kingly battle
i'll be yours as tender prize

??

turtle
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68 posted 2009-02-22 04:55 PM

"with you, is where my heart lies"

perfect! Lets use it.

"My dear Sir Leo, my knight hero.
Sweet adoration with chestnut eyes.
If triumph be, in kingly battle,
With you, is where my heart lies.

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

69 posted 2009-02-22 05:01 PM

"My dear Sir Leo, my knight hero.
Sweet adoration with chestnut eyes.
If triumph be, in kingly battle,
With you, is where my heart lies."

Now we need to fix the music of that last line.

Lets see, That would be something like.

"With you, is where my heart will lie."

There that will work;

"My dear Sir Leo, my knight hero.
Sweet adoration with chestnut eyes.
If triumph be, in kingly battle,
With you, is where my heart wiil lie"

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

70 posted 2009-02-22 05:01 PM

ok so onto the next line

my hair has twiddles of curls

??

down swims black and brown.

???

turtle
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Posts 548
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71 posted 2009-02-22 05:03 PM

Good then We're ready to start the next stanza S2

my hair has swirls of untamed curls
down my back swims black and brown.
i, who wears the princess dress
i am the rightful owner of Spain's crown

This is a cute stanza nina, I like this one. Lets see if we can do it justice.

Lets see (S2L1)

"Untamed" may not be a good word here it changes the tempo of the music and
we're scaring Sir Leo.

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

72 posted 2009-02-22 05:08 PM

my hair has twiddles of curls

??

down swims black and brown.

???

turtle
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73 posted 2009-02-22 05:12 PM

No lets just work on the first line now

forget the black and brown for now we'll get to that next.

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

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74 posted 2009-02-22 05:14 PM

my hair has swirls of lovely curls (?)

turtle
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75 posted 2009-02-22 05:15 PM

There are so many adjectives we can use for the hair like satin, silkey, raven, shining

Lets figure out what you want to use here.

What is the one thing about your hair you like most?

turtle
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76 posted 2009-02-22 05:17 PM

Yes,

We can use that.

My hair has swirls of lovely curls

???

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

77 posted 2009-02-22 05:18 PM

a lot of people tell me they love it becuase it is "very pretty" soft springy.
but i like it becuase so few people have my type of hair.

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

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78 posted 2009-02-22 05:19 PM

What do you mean by "My type of hair"?

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

79 posted 2009-02-22 05:21 PM

so now to balck and brown

down my back flows black and brown.

OR
down flows black and brown

OR
down swims black and brown

not much a diffrence

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

80 posted 2009-02-22 05:22 PM

i mean its big and curly. but the curls have different sizs. some ar tight while others or thickr and wavy. it is also very big but it looks like its supposed to b that way.

turtle
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81 posted 2009-02-22 05:24 PM

You're ahead of me baby I'm still on line one

Do you want to use "springy"?

turtle
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82 posted 2009-02-22 05:26 PM

Hmmmm....

Let me think if there's a word for this.

Give me a sec.....

turtle
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83 posted 2009-02-22 05:36 PM

Okay,

The word I think that describes what you're saying would be "intricate"

But that's not a poetic word.

So, I found "fancy" at rhymezone that means the same thing.

What do you think?

nina1522
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Posts 189

84 posted 2009-02-22 05:37 PM

kk sounds fine.

i have swirls of fancy curls

so nxt line. what do you think about that one? too long ?

turtle
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85 posted 2009-02-22 05:45 PM

"My hair has swirls of fancy curls"

Okay now. lets look at these next three lines together.

"down my back swims black and brown.
i, who wears the princess dress
i am the rightful owner of Spain's crown"

"black and brown seem backwards to me?

I usually think of it as "Brown and black"

I think you are trying to rhyme with "crown"

Maybe we can find another word for crown??

But maybe we should rethink this??

This princess dress?

Isn't there a ceremony {party}

For girls when they turn 16?

What is that called?

nina1522
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86 posted 2009-02-22 05:47 PM

uh a sweet sixteen. i can do a quincenera since its in spain.

turtle
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87 posted 2009-02-22 05:51 PM

I like it, but it won't work with the rhythm.

Is there another word that means the same thing>

lets go to google and see......

nina1522
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Posts 189

88 posted 2009-02-22 05:53 PM

for short they call it a quince. but there are no other names for it. it is the celbration of a 15th birthday

turtle
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89 posted 2009-02-22 06:06 PM

Yeah I didn't find anything I liked either.

hmmm....

Well let me think about this so I can be clearer on what to do here. The Black and brown is not working.....

Yes, I need to think this through....

I'll be back!

Sweety, this may take a while so....Go read a book.

nina1522
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Posts 189

90 posted 2009-02-22 06:07 PM

haha ok. i just went the book store a little while ago so ill read a little of the book i got.

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Whoville

91 posted 2009-02-22 06:38 PM

My swirling hair all fancy curls
In rivulets of brown and black
A quintessential fair princess
Who yearns to earn my kingdom back

turtle
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92 posted 2009-02-22 06:50 PM

Oh! I like this too.

nina, now you have another idea. It's always good to have more ideas.

Thanks grinch that is very close to what she needs to do here.

Nina, you should read this poem that grinch posted.
This is what poetry is about.

/pip/Forum28/HTML/002321.html

Okay the words and end rhymes here are easy to fix. What is hard
is to fix the context so that the stanza makes sense.

"My hair has swirls of fancy curls
down my back swims black and brown.
i, who wears the princess dress
i am the rightful owner of Spain's crown"

Look at how I've taken what you said in this stanza and clarified the meaning.

"My hair has swirls in fancy curls
Of black and brown, for I am blessed.
My princess dress says I am heir,
To Spainish Crown and Royal Crest"

I'm not saying this is what we have to do and I'd rather you put this in your
own words, but this is kinda what I'm seeing as what you are trying to say???

[This message has been edited by turtle (02-22-2009 08:43 PM).]

nina1522
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93 posted 2009-02-22 09:40 PM

yes that is what im trying to say. thank you for clarifying that

turtle
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94 posted 2009-02-22 09:48 PM

Yeah, I know this stuff is hard. yuh!

nina1522
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95 posted 2009-02-22 09:50 PM

"My hair has swirls of fancy curls
Of black and brown, for I am blessed.
My princess gown says I am heir,
To the Spainish Crown and Royal Crest"

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

96 posted 2009-02-22 09:50 PM

yeah but i enjoy it. i truly do. i didnt really change anything but ress to gown, not that big of a change haha

turtle
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97 posted 2009-02-22 09:51 PM

Let me see if I can find you something to read that might help you understand better.

turtle
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98 posted 2009-02-22 09:52 PM

Good that works.

turtle
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99 posted 2009-02-22 09:57 PM

what do you want to do here?

Do you want to go on to the next stanza?

I need you to explain it to me anyway I

want to understand it better.

I'll find something for you to read and get you a link tomorrow.

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

100 posted 2009-02-22 10:05 PM

in the poem you wrote you talked about them seeing each other before. so i figured i would make them know each other from their childhood. i pictured they were great friends as chilren but they drifted a part as the time passed and she was being taught how to become suited royalty. and now after a years she writes to him for her help. CLICHE!! i know haha but all princess stories are.

turtle
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Harbor

101 posted 2009-02-22 10:08 PM

HaHaHaHaHa

Now don't you be putting down on our Princess story......

Others will do that I'm sure....lol

nina1522
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Posts 189

102 posted 2009-02-22 10:10 PM

psh by the time we are through, our poem is going to dominate. haha

turtle
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Harbor

103 posted 2009-02-22 10:12 PM

Okay lets look at this.

"You are who i knew as a child
You were my friend.
My time is shortening
i needyou before i see my end"

(S3L1)

"You are who i knew as a child"

The best way to express this would be

I knew you as a child

But that makes the line too short huh?

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

104 posted 2009-02-22 10:15 PM

your the one i grew up with as a child

dang now its too long ...

you, my great childhood friend (?)

turtle
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Harbor

105 posted 2009-02-22 10:15 PM

lets try to tie Line 1 and Line 2 so it all comes out as one complete thought.

turtle
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106 posted 2009-02-22 10:18 PM

"You are who i knew as a child
You were my friend."

"Do you recall, when we were children
You knew me well and called me friend"

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

107 posted 2009-02-22 10:19 PM

"You are who i knew as a child
You were my friend.
TO
your my timeless admiration,
my great childhood friend.

i think the princess had a crush on him ever since they were kids

turtle
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108 posted 2009-02-22 10:20 PM

Are you making this up as we go along? lol

nina1522
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109 posted 2009-02-22 10:21 PM

yeah, is it that bad? hahaha im bored ok. haha

oops i didnt see yours before, i like it

turtle
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Harbor

110 posted 2009-02-22 10:23 PM

Yeah that is better, but remember "amiration"

is just not poetic.

nina why don't you go to rhymezone and search for words with similar meanings

Do you want help with that?

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

111 posted 2009-02-22 10:27 PM

no thank you. i think i unerstand the website but how about i change admiration to love? ...or not

"You are my timeless love
my great chilhood friend.

but are you sure these are ok. i just thought of them so i could probably do better

turtle
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112 posted 2009-02-22 10:27 PM

ADMIRATION:

Synonyms:

esteem, wonder, wonderment

More general:

amazement, approval, approving, astonishment, blessing, liking

More specific:

anglophilia, awe, hero worship, idealisation, idealization, idolisation, idolization

Often used in the same context:
admire, charisma, discern, gratitude, jealousy

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

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113 posted 2009-02-22 10:29 PM

you put me in timeless awe
my great chilhood friend

turtle
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114 posted 2009-02-22 10:29 PM

Better, but the lines are too short.

nina1522
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Posts 189

115 posted 2009-02-22 10:30 PM

you have put me in a timeless awe
you were my great childhood friend

turtle
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Harbor

116 posted 2009-02-22 10:30 PM

I'll have to fix the meter.

Why don't you think about this and try it a few different ways then we'll work on it.

nina1522
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Posts 189

117 posted 2009-02-22 10:33 PM

you have put me in timeless love
you were my great chidhoo friend

turtle
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Harbor

118 posted 2009-02-22 10:37 PM

Remember you are reminding Leo

So you need to start with

"Do you recall"

"Please do remember"

"remember me"

something like that.

"Do you recall, when we were children
You knew me well and called me friend"

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

119 posted 2009-02-22 10:40 PM

do you recall me as a timeless love
or do remeber me as a childhood friend

????

do you recall me your timeless love
do remember me as your childhood friend

turtle
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120 posted 2009-02-22 10:44 PM

"do you recall me your timeless love"

This one will work

But in the next line we don't want to say "Remember" again.

nina1522
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Posts 189

121 posted 2009-02-22 10:47 PM

i was trying to say that
do you remember me as a timeless love
or just a great childhood friend.

but hes a not knight of course he loves her
soo...

do you remember me as a timeless love
you were me greatest childhood friend

turtle
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Harbor

122 posted 2009-02-22 10:55 PM

"do you remember me as a timeless love
you were me greatest childhood friend"

Lets use this one:

"do you recall me your timeless love"

that way I don't have to fix the meter.

In that next line. I'm thinking something like

"We were the very best of friends"

OR

"We were the best of childhood friends"

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

123 posted 2009-02-22 10:58 PM

do you recall me as a timeless love
we were the very best of friends.
Now my times is greatly fading

turtle
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Harbor

124 posted 2009-02-22 10:59 PM

"Now my times is greatly fading"

HaHaHaHa

Mine too sweetheart....lol

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

125 posted 2009-02-22 11:03 PM

haha oops i meant.
im sorry to hear that.

now my time is greatly fading
i need your help before i see my end

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

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Harbor

126 posted 2009-02-22 11:04 PM

Okay,

Lets stop here for today. I need to get a little ahead of you anyway...lol

We are making great progress here

The middle of the third stanza already in two days is pushing it.

I think you're catching on. You're starting to see how to adjust your lines to get them even, that is a big hurdle.

Turtle

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

127 posted 2009-02-22 11:06 PM

thank you turtle. i was about to say  the same thing, i have to catch the bus at 6 am to school. so i will be able to check the site at 215. talk to you then.

             goodnight,
                     nina

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

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Harbor

128 posted 2009-02-23 03:24 PM

Hi nina,

Here are a few links that deal with sentence construction and
paragraphs (Paragraphs are kinda like "stanzas") You can go over this
when you have time.

First read this short link that defines word forms:

http://math-and-reading-help-for-kids.org/articles/Elementary_grammar:_Learning_nouns,_verbs,_adjectives_and_other_parts_of_speech.html

Then read this on types of sentences

http://www.learnenglish.de/grammar/sentencetext.htm

When you have time, go to this link and first read everything in the
"paragragh level" section Then read the "word and sentence" level.

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

129 posted 2009-02-23 07:47 PM

Hi nina,

I've got to go. I'll post a couple of things. here for you to look at and I'll be back tomorrow.

Okey Dokey:

My dear Sir Leo, my knight hero,
Sweet adoration with chestnut eyes.
If triumph be in kingly battle,
With you is where my heart will lie.

My hair has curls with fancy swirls
Of black and brown, for I am blessed.
My princess gown says I am heir,
The Spainish Crown and Royal Crest.

Do you recall our timeless love,
We were the very best of friends.

This is where we are, or I think we are. We may need to come back to the last
line. I'm still up in the air on it?? I flopped swirls and curls. See It? And I see
a meter error in S1L2 to fix.....Your first project, once you learn meter?....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the next lines S3L2&S3L4
"My time is shortening
i need you before i see my end"

I think it best to shorten "shortening" before it melts. and move "I need you" in L4 up, to complete the line.

Like this:

"My time is short, I need you now"

Then I got to thinking that this is an urgent message and we need some short sentences to show that urgency. So I wrote L4 in two short sentences.

Like this:

Great haste required. My life depends.

Then I thought, lets do the same to L3 and I get:

"My time is short. I need you now.
Great haste required. My life depends."

Lets put it in the stanza and tell me what you think??

Do you recall our timeless love,
We were the very best of friends
My time is short. I need you now.
Great haste required. My life depends.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

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Harbor

130 posted 2009-02-23 07:50 PM

S4

"For the king has taken me prisoner.
forcing me atop the stairs made of stones.
confining me in shadowy darkness
in hopes of obtaing my future throne"

We need to rethink this one:

"For the king has taken me prisoner.
forcing me atop the stairs made of stones."

"For" would work to start line 1, but I think we're confusing Sir Leo here.
In S3 Leo already knows you need help. Now he needs to know where you are. The stairs are kinda hard for Leo, because they could go anywhere.

"Castle tower"

"Darkest dungeon"

"Distant kingdom"

"Castle chamber"

"Yonder tower"

"Kingly castle"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just as an idea, like this:

"For I am held in castle's tower"

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

131 posted 2009-02-23 07:55 PM

hey. sorry i just got home from practise... long day. i leave my house at 630 am and arrive back home at seven thirty or eight. i will read the links tonight and try to fix the parts you showed me.

turtle
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Harbor

132 posted 2009-02-24 08:17 PM

Hi nina,

I'm around if you want to talk.

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

133 posted 2009-02-24 09:44 PM

hey sorry had an away game.. agian. haha thank god its ending this week. um here if you want to talk. ahaha

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

134 posted 2009-02-24 09:48 PM

hey, if you dont talk tonight i wont be home till around 8 tomorrow night.

nina

turtle
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Harbor

135 posted 2009-02-24 10:20 PM

Hi nina, you still here?

HaHaHaHa Nina, I don't no what time it is where you live and it might be a different time where I live.

Soooo, We could use the PIP site time to set our time to??

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

136 posted 2009-02-24 10:28 PM

So tell me what you think about the posts I put here yeasterday??

Do you have some ideas for S3 L3&L4?

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

137 posted 2009-02-25 01:29 PM

hey i like it. sorry im super busy on school days. i ussually dont get home intul like 8 or 9 due to basketball and then i need to do homework. but i like that and i understand why my line may have been confusing.

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

138 posted 2009-02-25 01:31 PM

For I am held in castle's tower...
ive got to go but ill work on it and try to post it tonight. around 8 the earliest. sorry about the difficut timing

turtle
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139 posted 2009-02-25 05:33 PM

That's alright. We can still do this. Just go ahead and post your thoughts, when you can, and I'll respond.

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

140 posted 2009-02-27 03:42 PM

whew ive been so busy but here i am.

turtle
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Harbor

141 posted 2009-02-27 03:49 PM

Hi nina

The great thing here is we can pick up where we left off anytime so don't worry about letting this time interfer with your school activities.

Now, What's your thoughts on S3?

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

142 posted 2009-03-02 04:27 PM

how about..

I need your strength
for it will overcome his power

... it sucks

turtle
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143 posted 2009-03-02 05:01 PM

Hi sweety,

I loved your poem in teen. I knew you would go for free verse
it's a lot easier to express yourself. Isn't it.

Lets see,

Do you recall our timeless love,
We were the very best of friends
I need your strength
for it will overcome his power

I like the "I need your strength", but it's too short of course and
you don't talk about the king till the next stanza so Sir Leo doesn't
know who "His" is in L4??.... and "power" doesn't rhyme with friends.

It's been a while since we were here, so maybe it's going to take a few
practice shots to get back on track. Try some other lines and we'll see
if we can get this going again

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

144 posted 2009-03-02 05:12 PM

hahaha oops i went back to our old comments to see where we were, i guess i went to far back. sorry .

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

145 posted 2009-03-02 05:16 PM

do you recall our timeless love
we were the very best of friends
for now you must use your strength
to come rescue me before i see my end

.....sucks even more

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

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146 posted 2009-03-02 05:26 PM

naw...lol

keep trying

nina1522
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Posts 189

147 posted 2009-03-02 08:50 PM

haha how about... this is equally sucky lol

the memory of our last meet is fading
i must see you once more before my end

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

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Harbor

148 posted 2009-03-02 09:56 PM

Hmmmm....

We could work with the last line, but We've already reminded Sir Leo, pointless to remind him again. Sooooo

Let me think....

turtle
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Harbor

149 posted 2009-03-02 10:17 PM

Do you recall our timeless love
we were the very best of friends.
If not thy love for me is fading
once more we must before my end.

Okay I've taken your line 3 and put it in context.

Now, see how I've flopped the words in the last line? this is called inverting a line.

Inverting a line is a bad thing. One should never invert a line. That looks silly

so I have inverted your line, but not to...... look silly.

Back in the days, where this story is set, they used to speak using these inversions.
and coloquialism. By inverting the lines makes the story FEEL more realistic.

Waddaya think?

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

150 posted 2009-03-03 05:41 PM

wow i really like it.. thanks turtle
: )

turtle
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151 posted 2009-03-03 06:16 PM

Hi ya nina,

AHHHHH shucks

It's up to you sweety, you want to go with this? Any thoughts on changes?

If you like this we can move on to S4?

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

152 posted 2009-03-03 06:37 PM

yeah.. i thought the line was

i need you before i encounter my end.

turtle
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Harbor

153 posted 2009-03-03 06:53 PM

yours:

the memory of our last meet is fading
i must see you once more before my end

My fix:

If not thy love for me is fading
once more we must before my end.

Do you mean you would rather use:

i need you before i encounter my end.

For line 4?

Maybe this is where we should start talking about meter?

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

154 posted 2009-03-03 08:11 PM

yes please.

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

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Harbor

155 posted 2009-03-03 08:13 PM

okay, give me a minute to organize my thoughts

turtle
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Harbor

156 posted 2009-03-03 08:45 PM

Hi again

Do you know what a syllable is?

i / need / you / be / fore / i / en / count / er / my / end.

rhythm is based on the number of syllables in a line.

In this line (above) there are 11 syllables but 8 words.

Meter is based on how the syllables are organized in this line,
or more accuritly how sets of stressed and unstressed syllables are organized.

To use meter in a poem, each metric foot (the number of syllables in each meter type )
is divided evenly through out the line to give it a consistent tempo.

So, structured verse (what we are writing here) is based on the number of syllables in
each line (and foot) and not on the number of words in each line.

To further understand this:

First go here and read my post that starts "Hi chopper"

/pip/Forum28/HTML/002418.html

Then read my explanation of "Basics of Rhyme" here:

/pip/Forum22/HTML/000990.html

After that read the links at the bottom of that post:

http://instructional1.calstatela.edu/tsteele/TSpage5/rands.html

http://instructional1.calstatela.edu/tsteele/TSpage5/meter.html

nina, this stuff is hard to understand and you will have many questions
So does everyone else that has ever tried to understand meter (including me)

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

157 posted 2009-03-03 08:57 PM

thank you very much. i will read as much as i can tonight. tomorrow i have international volleyball so i may not be home till very late becuase after that is the varsity championship game (busy schedule). so i will read and let you know as soon as possible.

Thank you very much for taking your time to help me. i cant express to you how much i appreciate it.

Nina

turtle
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Harbor

158 posted 2009-03-03 09:00 PM

Take your time sweety,

And I'll be rooting for you to win your game.

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

159 posted 2009-03-03 10:53 PM

hey im about to print out the links. but do you think im even good enough to understand it? im having doubts about my writing capabilty.

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

160 posted 2009-03-03 11:13 PM

This will be hard to understand and you won't understand it all, but it will help you to understand why we are changing the wording in these lines of this poem.

So, in that respect, it will help you understand better why we are doing what we are doing.

Yes! I think it will help

As far as doubts.....sweety I am amazed at how fast you are leaning poetry.

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

161 posted 2009-03-04 06:34 AM

oki doki. ill give it a try and write back soon.
:] Nina

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

162 posted 2009-03-09 04:10 PM

hey almost finished with the websites but im really busy so ill wont be back on till much later (couple of days)

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

163 posted 2009-03-10 11:51 PM

Hi nina

I'll keep an eye out for ya.

BTW - You might enjoy this little poem.

/pip/Forum100/HTML/001418.html

[This message has been edited by turtle (03-11-2009 12:12 AM).]

nina1522
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since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

164 posted 2009-03-11 04:32 PM

hey that was really cute i like it a lot. i read the websites but i have lacrosse try outs all week so im going to be busy. i will definitely be on this weekend a lot to talk. thank you for being patient :]

i wrote a shrt poem in the teen section. not sure if it makes sense, it was in my notebook so i thought what the heck i may as test it out. haha

turtle
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Harbor

165 posted 2009-03-13 12:22 PM

Hi nina,

Sweetheart, you'll have to finish this poem on your own. There are a lot of good kids in Teen and I'm sure you'll do fine there. You hang in there sweety and keep writing.

Now. Go read a book!

isabella223
Junior Member

since 2009-03-14

Posts 16

166 posted 2009-03-14 03:49 PM

oh ok. thanks for all your help. sorry about the inconvience. hopefully i'll talk to you soon.

nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

167 posted 2009-03-14 04:05 PM

hey i lost my slip of paper with my paswrod in it so i created a new account name. guess i found it. haha sorry about the confusion. um im writing a monolugue for english. i was wondering if i could email it to you and (if you want, which you prob dont) maybe you could revise it? its no biggie. i totally understand if you dont want to. really i do.

[This message has been edited by nina1522 (03-14-2009 07:32 PM).]

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

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Harbor

168 posted 2009-03-15 04:26 PM

Hi nina,

If you want to email me I'll try to help.

Steve

isabella223
Junior Member

since 2009-03-14

Posts 16

169 posted 2009-03-15 05:24 PM

AHHH!!! steve!!

whats your email? it wont allow me to send it to you from pip

turtle
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since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

170 posted 2009-03-15 05:38 PM

Nina,

I sent you an email. didn't you get it?

Check your email account you used to sign up here , if you didn't get it I'll give you my email address.

You must have done somthing wrong. I'm getting emails from this site and I just sent myself an email that went through ok???

Did you click on the little yellow envelope next to the edit button?

isabella223
Junior Member

since 2009-03-14

Posts 16

171 posted 2009-03-15 06:07 PM

hey got the email. and just sent you the monolugue. sorry i have two emails and i checked the wrong one first.

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