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Passions in Poetry

Two Different Colors

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timmybeades
New Member
since 02-11-2009
Posts 2


0 posted 02-11-2009 04:31 PM       View Profile for timmybeades   Email timmybeades   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for timmybeades

Hello all, I am new to this site and have been into poetry a few years now.  I am looking to expand my overall knowledge of poetry, techniques and critical analysis.  I have to say I've always been inclined towards the darker sides of poetry.  I was quite delighted to find the 'Dark Poetry' section.  I welcome and appreciate all critiques, and do me a favor and don't take it easy on me.


Two Different Colors.


We sit together,
you and I,
in front of the new television.
It stands next to the fake tree,
a three piece set,
with a metal spine,
and branches like pipe cleaners.
The dog still thinks,
that there is water underneath.

We decorated the tree this year with sighs,
and only two different ornaments.
We took out the star off the top,
and put a question mark up instead.

Like the tree,
we canít measure up, I know.
And so it is okay I decide,
for us to be imperfectly unreal,
to live black and white.

Behind the tree,
and through the front window,
my grandfather walks outside.
Dead ten years.
He is black and white,
no jacket,
he wears a coat of whiskey,
a hat full of tears,
and socks made of tombstone.

He stops in the middle of the sidewalk and,
stares at our tree through his dusted eyes.
He cannot figure out why he stopped.
I follow his every move through gray eyes.
He starts on his way again,
before I can think of an excuse not to go and get him.
If he ever asks,
Iíll say I was too busy living in two different colors.
© Copyright 2009 timmybeades - All Rights Reserved
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


1 posted 02-11-2009 07:30 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi timmy,

Welcome to this site. BTW your profile says that you do not want critiques?

I'm not a free verse expert, but I see some problems in your poem. In S1, What is a three piece set? The television? The tree? You, I, the television and the tree makes four, so I'm confused right from the start.

Looking at your puctuation, I think you mean the tree is a 3 piece set, but you, I, and the television are not an "IT" and if you and I are setting, why do you have us standing next to a fake tree in the next sentence?

The subject and verb agreement of this second sentence is "It stands" This is saying that you, I and the television are a three piece set that have metal spines and pipe-cleaner branches???

The dog, in the last sentence, is almost a contraction. I can assume you mean "under the tree," but as a reader I have to make that assumption. In your thinking the dog may be important to the strophe, but I don't see it.

As I read on, I'm affraid it doesn't get much better.

I think the best advice I can give is to have you print this out as if it where a letter to "granny" and fix the context and clarity. Here:

http://piptalk.com/pip/Forum28/HTML/002431.html

Then go through and trim this down to only what is needed, using the following as an example for your first strophe:


We sit together
watching television.
A fake tree
with metal spine,
and pipe cleaner branches,
stands nearby.


turtle    

[This message has been edited by turtle (02-11-2009 08:41 PM).]

 
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