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Simple embrace
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Simple embrace |
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*Fairly Odd* New Member
since 2003-02-12
Posts 2 |
~Simple embrace... I try the test of words as my lips taste the open wings, of a feather as it flees dusty fields to dream of eternal things. I ask you what your thinking not expecting a response, my mind a constant race though my heart lies exceptionally calm. Holding close your image where light touches weakened shadows, as the silent moment, when we're lying still, brings me to comfort. Your soft brown eyes dance upon me in their mellow expeptance. And in there mist your laughter gently caresses. This description... my vivid picture of vision... is as much a charming reflection as a thoughtful affection. A new born breeze blows in the eloquence of your smile, calming the pace of my forward mind as it chimes in trial, and the desires my heart searched now lie hushed, my unspoken soul satisfied with lust, within your quit embrace and gentle form. Though I cannot yet comprehend this cloudless haven, you still don't know what I have resigned in myself. I fancied I was preparing for what I thought to be dispair, but it was what I found in the silence you shared, There was a simple touch, a feeling new to the heart, Trust! That was our beginning... Given that what once was apart, was hidden from words but was always whole, the rush of a fire that would have no control. What is in our hearts is what can no longer hide, the urge to love shall prove to be the stronger side; With the look of an eye and the touch of a finger, came the love that would forever linger. More pleasured bliss, lest a promiscuous wish, is what lies behind your smile and sweet kiss, and until I’m safe in this half-hidden chase, I shall cling to the pleasures of our simple embrace. |
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| © Copyright 2003 *Fairly Odd* - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Fairly Odd, Welcome to the forum. But it is going to be a strain calling you that, I think. As a new member, I should remind you to be sure you check out the forum guidelines. I'm sure you will enjoy it here. Your poem is really not my area but I do have some mechanical suggestions. Although Critical Analysis (CA) is where we come to get suggestions on how to improve our work, I still try to eliminate all the mechanical and other obvious errors before posting. Then the critiquers can concentrate on the quality of the statement. So, here goes and these are only my opinions. 1) Drop the comma at the end of S1, L1. It separates the noun from its modifier. 2) Your in S2, L1 should be you're. 3) Drop the comma at the end of S2, L3. 4) There in S3, L2 should be their. 5) In S3, L3, the elipses (...) really should be commas. If you want to emphasize the parenthetical expression, I would suggest dashes instead. This really is a matter of style. 6) Technically, the comma at the end of S4, L2 should be removed although you can possibly justify its presence to slow the pace of the stanza. I think I would try to rework the stanza slightly so that it slows the pace without the marginally correct comma. Perhaps a period at the end of L2 or redoing L4 in such a way as to eliminate yet another parenthetical expression. 7) Quit in S4, L5 should be quiet, I think. 8) Drop the comma at the end of S6, L1. 9) I would change the commas at the end of S6, L2 and L3 to periods. These are definately complete statements and, although closely related to the others, I feel they deserve to stand alone. 10) Definately drop the comma at the end of S6, L4 as it separates the subject from its verb. 11) The comma at the end of S8, L2 should be removed and placed instead after and in the next line. Well, like I said, these suggestions are all JMHO. Feel free to use or ignore any of them you choose. After all, it is your poem. Thanks, Pete |
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