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Astro
Member

since 2003-01-08

Posts 69
Ca.

0 posted 2003-01-14 07:54 PM

If I live long enough to die
In the light of your eyes
I'll see the synaptic collapse
Of my bombastic mind
Freeing my heart from this cage
Like fruit from the rind.

Listen,
The Light that beckons to me, my dear
Is not you, but is in you.
Forgive my bluntness, the boldness.
The prime essence of innocence,
Simply put, is Christ, my Jesus.

That is the Light, my dear.
But not to worry, I love you.
Self-control is the burden I happily bear
Not haply, as if by chance
But by the blessed direction of circumstance.

Herein lies the unfolding of God's mystery
That two friends might spur one another on
Not to the unveiling of cloth
But the refusal of sin.
And in the grace of my Lord,
His forgiveness for a year and score,
I've come to cherish you
Not as idol, but friend.

I hope this poem makes sense. I don't usually write overly religous poetry as I feel it lacks passion and sounds too cliche. Still, I wanted to write about my girlfriend and while the desire of my heart is to lavish praise and worship upon her, I have to apply self-control for the greater of my desires: God. Tell me what you think of the poem, not the religion or belief system.

brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

1 posted 2003-01-27 03:52 PM

Hi Luke,

Usually I cringe when I read poetry with heavy Christian imagery. I am what you may call a lapsed Catholic, and find it hard to connect my spiritual joy with the teachings of the Church. I guess what I am saying is that I enjoyed this read, some great imagery and you have something that many love poems can lack… Transition and Conflict. I feel a love poem should not declare love but show how love affects the poet.

Ok to the poem itself,

LINE 1-2

“If I live long enough to die
In the light of your eyes”

Something about these lines bothers me,  the contradiction of  “if I live love enough to die,” somehow as an opening line it doesn’t work for me. I know it works in the context of the next line.

Suggestion :  “If I live long enough my love
       To die in the light of your eyes”

Inserting the words “my love” leaves a break between the two lines, also it puts emphasis on the fact that this is a romantic act, wanting to die in the light of her eyes.

Also it might be nice to start working in religious elements here. Maybe refer to “rebirth” its overtly religious and helps set the tone a bit better, I have mentioned my issues with the shift in tone later in this crit.

Suggestion: “to die and be born again in the light of your eyes”
LINE 3-4

“I'll see the synaptic collapse
Of my bombastic mind”

Why” synaptic” instead of “synapse.”

Synaptic is a verb, and the internal rhyme with “bombastic” seems a little forced.

“Bombastic mind” I like that image,

LINE 5-6

“Freeing my heart from this cage
Like fruit from the rind.” These lines probably my favourite in the poem.
Second Stanza

Though I do feel this stanza could be connected better with the rest of the poem, for me the religious imagery is introduced too abruptly, if you extend the first stanza and work the religious side bit by bit.  The switch to religious references was too abrupt for me. There are none in the first stanza and then the next few stanzas are laden with them. For me it disrupts the flow and changes the tone too quickly causing the emotions to appear slightly forced.

For me this is the problem with a lot of love poetry or religious poetry. The transition is too quick, its like Love of a woman or God can suddenly erase all pain and agony. Healing is a gradual thing, give as much time to the transition as you do to the pain and the healing otherwise your poem may come across lacking some of sincerity.

“Is not you, but is in you.” Seems a bit repetitive and also strangely cold, how about “Is not you, but radiates in you.”
It would also help to connect the two elements of God and this woman together better. I feel that the focus is too much on the religious aspect and not enough on how you are expressing your love for God through this woman. Perhaps this in part to do with the fact that we automatically have insight into the importance of “God” and we have no insight into the significance of this woman.
“God” as a symbol, person, character, will always cast a shadow over this woman in the poem. In a sense they seem like two different entities instead of separate elements of the same love. This is what I read from it,

“That is the Light, my dear.
But not to worry, I love you.” Its like you are trying to reassure that your devotion to God is equal to your devotion to her.

I would like to quote from an example of incorporating religious imagery into a love song

“And I don't believe in the existence of angels
But looking at you I wonder if that's true
But if I did I would summon them together
And ask them to watch over you
To each burn a candle for you
To make bright and clear your path
And to walk, like Christ, in grace and love
And guide you into my arms”

Nick Cave Into my arms from the Boatman’s call.

Third Stanza

“Herein lies the unfolding of God's mystery
That two friends might spur one another on
Not to the unveiling of cloth
But the refusal of sin”.

“That two friends might spur one another on” I really like this line, however “friends” might be the wrong choice of words, considering the lines that follow. It caused me some confusion. The lines  “Not to the unveiling of cloth
But the refusal of sin” show the relationship to be platonic, and the word “friend” confuses the issue. I would suggest using “lover.” She is your lover. Even if the relationship is platonic. If you use “friend” it may confuse or trivialise the emotions you are addressing.

It just be me, “But the refusal of sin” seems a bit preachy. It is not sinful to show your affections in a cardinal way, it makes your point sound a bit preachy. Whereas this is what is suppose to make your relationship special. Use a word like “lust“ “cardinal..” but not sin, physical love is not a sin.

Having read your explanation I understand what you are aiming to achieve, I believe that the last three lines confuse things…
“His forgiveness for a year and score,” it’s too obscure a reference, obviously it is important to you and reflects something in your relationship but you need to clarify this to the reader or cut the line altogether. Otherwise the poem could end as
“But the refusal of sin
And in the grace of my Lord,
I've come to cherish you
Not as idol, but friend.”

Lastly great title, why did you not use it in the poem, it’s a great image. I think the third stanza just before the line “Not to the unveiling of cloth… “ would be a great place to introduce it.  When reading this poem, I kept thinking of Nick Cave’s into my arms from the Boatman’s call album. Cave comes from the opposite direction, as a non believer finding a sense of spiritual fulfilment through love. I would suggest reading these lyrics, as a way to readdress the balance of the two aspects of love in the poem.
http://www.nick-cave.com/lyrics/bad_seeds/lyrics_the_boatmans_call.shtml#Into

I hope I have not been too harsh in my criticisms, these are just suggestions and should in no way distract from your talent as writer.
Also  checked out Interpol, good album Still prefer Joy Division though.

got hips like cinderella must be having a good shame talking sweet about nothing
cookie i think you're tame" The Pixies

[This message has been edited by brian madden (01-27-2003 03:57 PM).]

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2003-01-27 09:54 PM

Wow! I think Brian has so eloquently made so many great points that I couldn't possibly add to it. Excetp for one thing. I believe synaptic is an adjective rather than a verb and you have used it grammatically correctly. It does still sound a little awkward or possibly clinical though.

Thanks,
Pete

Astro
Member

since 2003-01-08

Posts 69
Ca.

3 posted 2003-01-29 03:38 PM

Hey, thanks for the insights, opinions and perceptions. There's no such thing as too harsh a criticism. Wounds from a friend can be trusted but an enemy multipies kisses. Thanks again.

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