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Critical Analysis #2

"I enjoy the view"

Omega
New Member

since 2002-12-02

Posts 2

0 posted 2002-12-02 07:58 PM

No more dreams of this heart
All my love was ripped apart
Sights of couples, doomed to harrow
Give birth to me
A good life's shadow

fnlunatic1122
New Member

since 2002-12-02

Posts 2

1 posted 2002-12-02 08:50 PM

very sad !

fnlunatic1122
New Member

since 2002-12-02

Posts 2

2 posted 2002-12-02 08:52 PM

sad but cool

Omega
New Member

since 2002-12-02

Posts 2

3 posted 2002-12-03 12:20 PM

Yeah, I wrote it at a local mall a few weeks ago. I initially thought of one of the lines while crossing the street, and I started writing it down immediatley.

I kinda filled in the rest, and "A good life's shadow" seemed perfect.
It reminded me of when we went to Italy and how my dad said I'd be my own shadow because of how picky an eater I am.

When you're a shadow, you look much like what you're cast from, but there's something less or mishapen about you.

[This message has been edited by Omega (12-03-2002 12:22 AM).]

Alpha_Omega
Junior Member

since 2002-11-26

Posts 23

4 posted 2002-12-03 04:03 AM

Welcome to the forums....

Short, not bad

Quaint.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

5 posted 2002-12-03 10:09 AM

Hi Omega,

Welcome to the forum. A nice short first entry you have here. No critique on it today though.

Check your email for a welcoming message.

Pete

Opeth
Senior Member

since 2001-12-13

Posts 1543
The Ravines

6 posted 2002-12-04 01:13 PM

"No more dreams of this heart
All my love was ripped apart"

~ Completely unoriginal and the rhyming was forced.

"Sights of couples,"

~ Show, don't tell. What are these sights of couples?

"doomed to harrow
Give birth to me
A good life's shadow"

~ What is a good life? How is that related to a shadow?

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

7 posted 2002-12-04 05:32 PM

I really like the last line of this. I think the rest is fairly vague and cliche. I would advise that you branch out into more original and specific wording.

Oh, and I'd drop the word 'harrow'. It really doesn't work.

Hope I've helped.

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