»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
My Pittish Friend
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
My Pittish Friend |
|
|
Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Joe my pittish bull My friend My pittish bull my Joe. After all these years you're free But I hate to see you go. I hate to see you go my pet It kills me Don't you know? Why did you have to bite him pet? Why did you have to though? Why he was just a feeding you and a Petting! Don't you know? Why did you have to rip his hand? My faithful friend My Joe My pittish bull my friend my pet my pittish bull my Joe.... They're gassing you today my pet Gassing you I know. Your dinner's in the bowl my friend But I know you that you won't show. Your collar's in my hand my friend As limp as you don't know. Why did you have to bite him pet? Why did you have to Joe? Modified slightly in accordance with some recomendations. [This message has been edited by Radrook (09-27-2002 06:02 PM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Radrook - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Radrook Tomasa, Helen, Damornin ... now Joe. An entertaining series of centre justified cameos. This one moves me I guess because the subject was quite topical a few years back and provoked a good deal of emotion. Also I happen to like animals (even pitbulls on their good days!) and it was a sad poem. Silly man shouldn't have tried to feed him. Rob |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Interesting style you have adopted lately. I know I'll get some "hate letters" for not loving pit bulls but I do have much sympathy for one who loses a loved pet, for whatever reason. My first attempt at free verse dealt with a lost pet. It was a long time ago so maybe I'll repost it sometime for comparison. I do have a couple of nits to pick here. I suspect they are all typos. In L1 you spelled pitish and all other occurrences are pittish. You started S6, L1 with "Ma pittish bull." I assume you meant "My" instead as you used that everywhere else. Finally, quote: It's probably just me but "though" stuck onto the end just seems forced for the rhyme. It's not all that bad but maybe a small rewording of the line would help. Other than that, I think it flows quite nicely. The sort of dialect works well. In short, I enjoyed. Thanks, Pete |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Oops, I see that you spelled Pitish in the title also. Pick one or the other. I think pittish would be correct. Now I see that Rob slipped while I was typing. Dang, some people are fast. Hey Rob, I like your comment "Silly man shouldn't have tried to feed him." Wish I'd thought of that. Pete |
||
|
caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Rad, I liked this poem even though it is sad. I have a fear of these dogs and I can't see anyone wanting to pet or feed them except the owner of course. I also noticed, as Pete did, the two different spellings pitish/pittish and I think Pete is correct in that is should be... pittish. Another small thing that I noticed was in the 7th stanza, I think that you have one 'you' too many. I enjoyed and thanks for sharing. caterina |
||
|
Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Thank you all for the fine responses and the helpful suggestions. I will try to apply them and in order to make the poem better! BTW I will work on the "though" part tonight and see if I can modify it. I will also scan it repeatedly to check for uneeded stanzas. Thanks again! [This message has been edited by Radrook (09-27-2002 06:07 PM).] |
||
|
Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Hi! After meticulously examining the poem, I did get the impression that there is perhaps one unnecessary stanza here. But I also got the impression that removal of it leaves it short. Good God! I give up! As for the "though" part, I have decided to leave it in. At first I did not realize why I was strongly reluctant to part with this word and its sound. But after pondering over it at approximately 2 in damornin, I realized that the repetition of "ow's" as echoed throughout the poem strengthens the atmosphere of the master's mourning. I also realized that its resemblance to a canine howl also is useful in implying a canine reciprocation of his master's sadness. So in view of the word's contribution to mood, I decided to keep it. But thanks again to everyone for the fine elucidating suggestions. [This message has been edited by Radrook (09-28-2002 09:04 PM).] |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
