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glint
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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glint |
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blakloks Member
since 2002-06-01
Posts 60 |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- this poem is about this person whom i once thought was a friend, but one day she seemed to hate me, just for no reason at all.i will never forget the look she gave me . looks can tell glint thou glints spark of lightning i am cut open up and away why me once you knew me i still know you shrug moment passed snakes wind in different directions dusty bound deep in me i still remember that flash ----could i have some comments please? i need to know how to improve in this-------- ~blakloks~ |
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Opeth Senior Member
since 2001-12-13
Posts 1543The Ravines |
glint thou glints spark of lightning i am cut open up and away why me once you knew me i still know you shrug moment passed snakes wind in different directions dusty bound deep in me i still remember that flash ~ If you are serious about your poetry, I recommend that you learn how to punctuate and capitalize, especially when utilizing the term "I" ~ "thou glints" ?? is that a type-o? If not, I suggest get rid of it. "Snakes wind in different directions" is non-sensical. I like what you are trying to convey here, but it needs some work. |
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silent whispers Junior Member
since 2001-07-07
Posts 40Alaska |
glint thou glints I'm not sure if thou is the right word to be used here spark of lightning i am cut open up and away this line doesn't seem to work right here, maybe try something that describes the wound a little more, show us your pain, or maybe even your surprise at the look if this was so uncharacteristic why me once you knew me i still know you I really like these lines, theyre simple poeticaly, but they're honest which is the most important part of poetry shrug needs something more than jus this one word. It leaves me wondering which one of you shrugged. moment passed snakes wind in different directions This is good, but it could be stronger dusty bound Again, it could be stronger with a different word other than dusty deep in me i still remember that flash this is good but I would try changing a few of the words to make it stronger. If you want to really revise I'ld suggest trying to switch some of the lines around. I can get the look you were talking about but I'm having trouble getting how it really made you feel. Hurt, ok, but how hurt? I'm not sure if I would add any capitalization or punctuation to this, thats up to you. It might make it stronger as it is now, but I think with some word changes it could be used as a visual device as is. Good luck and hope this helps. Why is it that in silence the mind screams? |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Describe the glint, describe the glint, show the glint, show the glint, don't concentrate on what you felt.  |
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