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Critical Analysis #2
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Thinking of aging on a summer day...
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Thinking of aging on a summer day... |
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silent whispers Junior Member
since 2001-07-07
Posts 40Alaska |
Thinking of aging on a summer day of rain and more rain: I stare as teardrops pierce the puddles, Hear the crackling of thunder, The pulsing heartbeat of lightening, Flash! Dazzled, bewildered on this day of night and more night: I sink into the mud, let it curl around my toes, Ooze against my skin as it grasps then claws, Dragging me into eternity… Flash! Thinking of aging on a winters day of snow and more snow: I laugh as diamonds hug my eyelashes, Hear the chorus of sledders, The dancing heart song of skiers, Flash! Dizzy, spinning on this day of night and more night: I fall into the drifts, let it melt against my clothes, Pour into my soul as it caresses then fondles, Guiding me into eternity… Flash! Why is it that in silence the mind screams? |
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| © Copyright 2002 silent whispers - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Far too repetitious. Maybe take a look at "Tintern Abbey" for the rhythms and style that might be appropriate here. |
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renathon Junior Member
since 2002-06-09
Posts 23 |
Far too repetitious? Poppycock. Some of the greatest poems are "repetitious". Did not once we dance to the words, "...and nothing more" and, "merely this and nothing more"? Those things we call songs, have things called Choruses, that repeat within their structures many times. We love songs. I don't see what's wrong with the repetition in this poem. I feel it is connected well. Hey but that's me, and I'm no expert. Lovely poem, for the most part. But then again, I don't like to criticize much. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
No, you're missing the point. I'm questioning the structure. Repetition is a brilliant tool. I don't want color by numbers. Okay, I realize you don't know what I mean. My suggestion is William Blake. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I liked the "summer day of rain and more rain:" with the "day of night and more night:"- it flowed very well, in my opinion. I think the repetition of "Flash" was a bit too much, though. Also, I personally feel that you should stick with one season. The transition from summer to winter was a little too sudden and jarring for me, and your images were too conflicted. Hope I've helped. "deeper is life than lose: higher than have |
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