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Critical Analysis #2
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Picture Perfect
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Picture Perfect |
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jfreak Member
since 1999-06-17
Posts 306Yuma, AZ, USA 
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Please only real critiques on this poem...this was a...how do you say...experiment... Picture perfect beauty but is that all that is you? You pose and pose But I suppose that maybe There is something more. I don't know and I don't see Yet you never speak to me Pose and Pose and Pose you go What you pose next no one will ever know And you say that I am to love you But what the hell is that about I am crying to you Get out, Get out, as fast as you can He will catch you, The Gingerbread man You revile me because I refuse To let you ruin my imperfection All I long to do is pose as a defector yet I can't find me a projector So I can project what i need For all mankind to see So I feed the imperfection While you take down my dictation While we both refuse to see We are latching on to seperation |
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Opeth Senior Member
since 2001-12-13
Posts 1543The Ravines |
"Picture perfect beauty but is that all that is you?" - 1 too many "thats" - missing punctuation "You pose and pose But I suppose that maybe There is something more." - 1 to many "poses" - Capitalizing "But" in one line while not in another "I don't know and I don't see Yet you never speak to me Pose and Pose and Pose you go What you pose next no one will ever know" - Is this supposed to be a rhyming poem? If so, the rhyming scheme is out of sync - more punctuation problems - cliched writing "And you say that I am to love you But what the hell is that about I am crying to you Get out, Get out, as fast as you can He will catch you, The Gingerbread man" - more cliche - this part reads more like a prose than a poem with a hint of rhyme. "You revile me because I refuse To let you ruin my imperfection All I long to do is pose as a defector yet I can't find me a projector So I can project what i need For all mankind to see So I feed the imperfection While you take down my dictation While we both refuse to see We are latching on to seperation" No separation of stanzas/lines, incorrect spelling, punctuation problems, structure problems...your writing is all over the place. |
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jfreak Member
since 1999-06-17
Posts 306Yuma, AZ, USA |
OPETH, Hey man...thanks for the critique...this was just one of those things...I just threw together...was just an idea I ran with...actually the first line was running in my head while reading other things on the site and I just had to write. So that is probably why it's all over the place...I appreciate what you had to say. J~ |
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Victor_K Junior Member
since 2002-02-02
Posts 12Selangor, Malaysia |
IMHO your poem needs organization. Sort out what you really want to say, and try not to say it in all too obvious fashion. |
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sunbunbun Junior Member
since 2002-02-07
Posts 21Durham, NC |
I think this poem needs some punctuation. The ideas need to be tightened up and maybe the wording needs to be more forceful. I'm not sure where you're going with the meaning but the first few stanzas were at least in the same vein of thought. I'd like to read this again if you decide to make some changes. SBB |
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