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Critical Analysis #2
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dedication
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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dedication |
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laconic Member
since 2002-02-17
Posts 64Melbourne, Australia |
A departure of a soul from one life to the next leaves a crying widdow full of regrets. She moarns his death as if he were there all her feelings she yearns to share. To give him her love was all she wanted, but now that he's gone all her dreams are flaunted. Seperated by more than time and distance they are apart a part of her gone now no longer filling her heart. This torture, this tormented pain too much to bear, too much to constrain "i can't believe this could happen" is all that can be said about the dearly departed about a life so short lead To this greiving widdow all i can muster to say is try and remember him as he was and maybe you'll see him again someday ------------------------- [Open for disection] [For cathy and alex] my inspiration has drained like perspiration ..again i'm empty like hemp i been smoked dry...*sigh* |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Without being mean here...sort out your spelling mistakes..there's so many in here it's too hard to read...spelling mistakes are seriously distracting... A suggestion - put this through your spell check on your Word program on your computer...  |
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laconic Member
since 2002-02-17
Posts 64Melbourne, Australia |
lol... thanks |
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sunbunbun Junior Member
since 2002-02-07
Posts 21Durham, NC |
I had the same problem reading through the spelling mistakes but this poem has potential. I like the sound you've given it, the words have a kind of back and forth motion to them. The topic is a tough one and I think you've done a good job keeping it as light as possible. I would work on the spelling and maybe try to tighten up some of the lines. Thanks for sharing this. SBB |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
The rhyme really seems to control this... your ideas go off in one wayward direction... which could definitely be a good thing, except that in the next line you pull yourself back on track and leave the unexplored train of thought.... unexplored. Like: "She moarns his death as if he were there" This is a whole poem... try expanding without worrying about rhyme. "but now that he's gone all her dreams are flaunted." Tell us who the dreams are flaunted to, how exactly a dream is flaunted... I found this line of thought really interesting, but it doesn't go any further. Just tell us more... names, how they lived, how he died... details are good things. hope I've helped. "Love is a piano |
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laconic Member
since 2002-02-17
Posts 64Melbourne, Australia |
thanks for the analysis.. :P yeah ur all rite. i cant spell... and yeah... this prolly would be better if it went a lil deeper.. but its supposed to be on topic while still being light hearted... as in for the girl whose guy died to read.. if that makes sense. but i'll try re-writing takin all your contributions into mind. thank you thank you thank you and thank you peace |
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