»
Archives
»
The Corner Pub
»
untitled (Decisions of Love maybe??)
| The Corner Pub |
|
untitled (Decisions of Love maybe??) |
|
|
Beverly Member
since 2000-02-19
Posts 123New Mexico |
I am really struggling with this one... any ideas on what I am doing wrong? ------------------------------ (untitled) When does one know if love is right It's not like an apple when ripe When the apple has the perfect sweetness Maturity has fullfilled it's completeness Love has the seasons, same as the trees and tales speak of the birds and the bees How does this relate to the human kind --to compare things with and without a mind There is a barometer of sorts you can use It works well you just have to choose The desision won't stop after it starts Especially if it is made between two hearts ----------------------------- This is just not satisfying me. I have a big mental block right now. I beg of you to give me some criticism! Thank you all!  |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Beverly Mast - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Little_Spyro Senior Member
since 2000-01-09
Posts 659San Diego, CA, USA |
Hmm...dunno if I can get it to sound better than it already is...  But I'll try! "Duce of Hearts" When does one know the right time for love?It's not like an apple, ripened from above, When the fruit contains the perfect sweetness, Maturity has filled its completeness. There's a measurement of sorts you can use, It works well you just have to chooseThe decision won't stop after it starts Especially if it's made between two hearts. |
||
|
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Sam's suggestions sound good to me....I can't offer any advice of my own as I am not very good at critique. Denise |
||
|
Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Bev, this is a very good start...the idea you want to express is there, I think sams suggestion are good...your rhyme flow is great, I think you just need to add a few more lines or maybe just add to your exsisting lines a bit. I like the comparisons your making here. show us the rewrite  take care, janet marie...there are places inside all our souls... that have never been touched... there are places inside our hearts... that need to be loved this much... Janet Marie *I miss you baby... I love you, always.* |
||
|
Another Heather Member
since 2000-02-17
Posts 93Canada |
Well this is a really good poem as it is, but maybe there`s somethings you want to say that you couldn`t fit in. My suggestions would be to say what you want to say and then work on making it rhyme (If that`s what you want). Also, try playing around with the words as certain line have too many or too little syllables. Just try to find a steady rhythm to fit your words into, and go from there! "The world is never the same once a good poem has been added to it." -Dylan Thomas |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
