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Peppermint Hot Chocolate Sunrise
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Peppermint Hot Chocolate Sunrise |
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UNTAMEDelegance Member
since 2009-05-30
Posts 222Oregon |
Optimism. Such a filthy word. It should be banned. It should be ripped from every paper it makes its home on. It should be burned in every bonfire across the entire world. People should watch as it's charring edges curl into a fetal position and smoke trails lazily into the sky; the last silvery essence of a putrid word. Optimism. Jeez, I wish it would stop coming back. The ever-present reminder that I still have hope. Day after day, night after night, minute after minute I keep hoping and wishing and praying that I will wake up, spring up, turn around... And there you'll be. Arms open, smile etched into the carefully carved features of your angelically devilish face, chuckling that insanely mysterious chuckle that simultaneously dumps a skyful of question into my mind and clears my mind of everything with the exclusion of you. No. I did it again. I started thinking again. Stupid optimism. I squelch it time and time again. I tell myself it's completely over. You're gone. As I sit and drink a steaming hot cup of peppermint hot chocolate on the back porch, feeling the hard, wooden slats beneath my unclothed feet, I wait for the sunrise. Pale dawn light leaks through the murkiness the surrounds my mind. Clouds of industrial, progressive smog clear from my thoughts and without those clouds of optimism, I'm left with nothing. Calm, unruffled, nothingness consumes me. This is what solitude tastes like, this is its soft, silky touch; its gentle, five-year dust-layer smell; its nondescript, colorless shapeless form; its muffled, dark-corner-of-the-attic sound. You gave this to me. Thanks to you, I know what "lonely" is like. Each day, I go through the same, near-ritualistic pondering/realization; telling myself that nothing exists. Nothing between me and you; of my feelings towards you; nothing of my feelings at all. It's just easier that way. I scold myself each time my will wavers and my thoughts stray. "You are never coming back." "You are gone." But I can never quite believe myself. Perpetually optimistic. Stupid optimism. I want to burn my thoughts-burn myself-just for thinking it, and yet... I can't let go just yet... Maybe tomorrow, you'll come back, or the next day, or the next, or the next, or the next... Or the next. Nothing is more painful than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him. (Unknown) [This message has been edited by UNTAMEDelegance (06-01-2010 01:32 PM).] |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
I find that it is hard to replace someone until you take them off their pedistal and understand that you are just a man and they are just a woman...I have told women that before and was able to release them...not sure if this is what you are writing about...James |
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