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Not The Last Good Bye
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Not The Last Good Bye |
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raleighbttrfly Member
since 2000-11-21
Posts 160Raleigh NC |
The time was getting close. She really did not know if she could do this. How could she tell them all what she was feeling and how much she loved him, but that’s what he had wanted and she would not let him down. Amberlyn did not wear black that day, although that was what most people were wearing. She felt black, but he had made her promise not to wear it. She had made a lot of promises. It was all set, just like he had wanted; the band, the food, and a complete lack of flowers. If someone did not know better, they would think it was a party or at least a family reunion… not a funeral. Most people would have thought he was joking but when they had planed it all, even though they laughed about it, she knew he was serious. She had known him like no one else. Amberlyn was not the grieving wife; Allen had never married. She was not the mother or even part of the family. But everyone could tell she was more than just a friend. They had been roommates, friends, and even lovers. They were as close as people can get, so he had left it all up to her. She took care of all the details, to the relief of most of the family, and it would be her that gave the eulogy. Not everyone approved of the way Amberlyn had done this, but Allen had never needed approval for anything and neither did she. She had been faking a weak smile all day, to the point her face was starting to hurt. Through all of this she had cried every step of the way. She felt that the tears would never stop. But she had one more job to do, one last promise to keep. She was not supposed to cry that day; this was a party to remember not a funeral. To get through the eulogy without crying would take more strength than she could imagine. She had no idea what to say. She knew him so well, every mood, every story, but how would she tell them that. How would she put into words what she was thinking? The lump in her throat was growing bigger. At this point she was not sure she could find her voice. Allen had died less than a week ago. She felt so lost without him. She wished she could join him rather than having to go on and be strong. Amberlyn had never been good with fronts and pretending she was okay was wearing thin. She would do it somehow for him; she would always have done anything for him. They had never been a couple but she had loved him for years. They understood each other…two of a kind you could say. Now she was alone and not sure she could make it. There was no preacher. Allen was not into church; he had his own view on God that never fit into any real religion. They were not in a church but rather a large conference room. Allen was there in a casket, a rented one. He wanted to be cremated and would be after the party. Nothing was traditional, not even the clothes on the body… jeans and a leather jacket. That was the hardest battle Amberlyn had to fight. Allen’s mother was not happy, because she wanted him to wear a suit. But Allen wore leather in the summer and she made sure that he would look like himself, if a little more peaceful than normal. She had put it off long enough, it was time for her to say the final goodbye. Amberlyn slowly walked up to the mike and quieted the band. More fear and sorrow was now in her heart than she had ever known. This was it; she had lost him and now had to say something, if only she knew how to start. The room got quiet, for her the whole world was standing still or maybe spinning, she wasn’t sure. At this moment she was not sure of anything. The last thought before she opened her mouth was Allen you better appreciate this, here it goes. “Allen was a very special person to all of us, he had away of standing out. He had his own style. I don’t think he knew how to sell out, he was too stubborn.” A little chuckle went threw the crowd. Amberlyn could not help but think that some people were really enjoying themselves. That’s how Allen had wanted it but it seemed so wrong to her, she felt so dead inside. “Allen and I had a special relationship. We could talk forever. Most of you I have never met, but I feel that I know you already. Allen cared so much for his family and friends, he spoke of you all often even if he did not always show it they meet a lot to him. He was a deep person but had a hard time expressing his feelings. In his life he had been through a lot, more than most could guess. It left him with a different outlook on life; one that not everyone could understand. He overcame a lot of anger and pain in his life.” It was getting harder now for her. The words threatened to spill out in a flood and she could hear herself rambling. In the back of her mind she thought ‘Allen I’m doing my best’, but the pain was growing. She was already blinking back tears. “He overcame most of that and became the mellow entertaining guy we all loved. He was a sensitive man, intelligent and creative. Allen was vary talented, he told me once how much he wanted to be a rock star, but most of you, if you were lucky, knew him as a wonderful cook. He was so talented it just seemed he never could catch any brakes. I cannot tell you everything that made Allen a great person or friend; most of you already know. Allen liked to buck the system and if you can’t tell already he was never much for tradition, he preferred his own way.” ‘God how can anything be this hard’ her private thoughts swam in her mind competing with the words she was trying to get out. Amberlyn was on the verge of breaking down now. She so wanted to do this right but she was loosing the fight against the tears. “ Some would say he was hard headed or an underachiever, they were wrong. Allen never became famous or rich but he lived as himself, more honestly than anyone I have ever met. That is more of an accomplishment than most of us will ever see. I cannot tell you all that Allen meant to me or totally explain our relationship, but it pains me more than anything to have to speak of him in the past tense. We will all miss him, but know that he wanted nothing more than for us to smile than cry today. He told me to tell you all that we should remember the good times.” That was it… the tears were falling. She had to end it now before she fell apart. “Allen we loved you, I hope you knew that. I hope you have now found your peace. There are no nightmares in heaven, so rest, you have earned it my friend.” Amberlyn walked away slowly with her sister holding her up. The tears had broken through. She could only hope that what she said made sense to them and did not ramble on. Her sister helped her out the door and she found a bench. “ Christy I can’t go back in there. I can’t do it,” she said more in a wale than words. Her sister could only offer thishuse. “I need a minute alone please. I’ll find you in the lobby in a minute.” Christy looked at her with worry as she tried to understand. “Okay, I’ll wait for you.” Then she went inside like she said. “Allen I did my best. I hope that was what you wanted.” She was whispering through the tears. The pain was making her shake and she feared it would not end. “I’m alone now Allen; I was not ready for this. I still need you so much. I can’t let go. I can’t bring myself to say goodbye to you. If you are really gone than I have lost myself too.” It was there on that bench that she realized she would never be the same or ever really be able to stop talking to him. When she finally went inside Christy was there and they went back to the party together, Amberlyn’s eyes red and puffy but dry for the moment. She went in and said goodbye to the few people she knew and then left, not knowing how she would face tomorrow. Later she would take the ashes to Key West Florida, Allen’s favorite place in the world. They had been there once together for vacation. He showed her the sunset and it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. Amberlyn knew that if Allen would ever find peace it would be there. But she kept some of his ashes for herself. She kept them in a small cobalt blue bottle; blue was their favorite color. She would never be able to let him go or even begin to find someone she could be so close to. In her later years she would talk to him out loud again. He never did totally leave her, and she never could let him go. She was alone but always had his memory and so was never truly lonely. Jest to let you all know this is a work of fiction. No on I know has died thankfully. I know this piece still needs a lot of work so I am open to suggestions. Please let me know what you think. Thank you all for reading. I am not always lonely even if I am always alone |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
This is a wonderfully written piece. It's so sad, and I can fell all the emotions your portray here. I have no suggestions, great work! "Where there is great love there are always miracles" -Cather "Love heals everything, and love is all there is"- Zukav |
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Martini Member
since 2000-07-11
Posts 308Toronto, Ontario, Canada |
This was beautiful It brought tears to my eyes.... Absolutely wonderful.... "In three words I can sum up everything I learned about life: It Goes On" ~Robert Frost |
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raleighbttrfly Member
since 2000-11-21
Posts 160Raleigh NC |
thank you goth for posting your thoughts!   I am not always lonely even if I am always alone |
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