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Beneath Thy Armored Heart (Continuation to end of Chapter One)
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Beneath Thy Armored Heart (Continuation to end of Chapter One) |
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Deranger Member
since 2000-05-10
Posts 498Somewhere, between here and there |
*** There was a strange, alien beauty to the metal sterility of the Nereo Complex. Pristine silverish-alloy walls and floor panels unadorned by ornamentation, save the occasion-potted tree. Cloudy weather shamefully forced the Complex away from the skylights and into the harsh, artificial light of the overhead units. Suddenly, one of the massive skylights ripped open by a deafening explosion. The internal audio systems filled the Complex. “Warning! Internal atmosphere compromised!” A dozen dark shapes dropped through the now gaping hole and onto the debris filled floor. The invader’s ruby targeting lasers penetrated into the smoke filled corridors, more explosions out decibeled the serene music that chronically drifted through the halls, a stark contrast to the septic artificiality of the Complex. She coughed. The smoke that filled the room was becoming unbearable. Weapon reports echoed off the sterile alloy walls, occasionally followed by a telltale scream of death-agony. Gripping her teddy bear desperately to her chest, she darted across the demolished school-foyer to a nearby maintenance chamber. Deadly bolts of ionic death whizzed mere millimeters above her. Frantically, she hammered the door console until it reluctantly slid the door open. She stumbled around the small, dark room to the glowing console on the wall. “Hello?” She said to the small oblong console. The soothingly feminine voice of Nereo Central Computer filled the tiny compartment. “Identification processing…Please wait…Hello Rachel. You should vacate the Complex immediately, my sensors indicate unfriendly forces have breached the perimeter.” “I want my mommy!” Rachel screamed illogically at the console. The computer was momentarily confused by the child’s request. “I am unable to locate your maternal guardian…damage done to the internal sensor grid have impaired my ability to scan the Complex.” Rachel wasn’t sure what “unfriendly forces” meant, but she knew how scared she was. She clutched her bear desperately to her heaving chest and started pretending it was all a bad dream. Mind-numbing explosions still rattled the small room, and always the horrible screaming filled her ears… ******** He often found himself contemplating various mysteries as he casually strolled beneath the soft glow of the overhead lighting. Today was no different. The metal grating reluctantly gave way to the expanse of deep green carpeting as he entered the Main Bridge of the NDE Command Cruiser Lexington. He let out a sigh as the inherent noise of the command chamber made itself manifest. “Sir!” A young ensign snapped to attention before him. “As you were son. What is the status of our operation?” “Our forces have penetrated the Nereo Complex and have begun laying waste to its inhabitants. So far as we know, the Dynasty has not learned of our attack.” “Very well, continue the assault.” Panning his tired eyes over the blinking mass of lights and glowing consoles that was the controlled chaos of the Main Bridge. Sighing again, he strolled lazily to his command chair and sat down. Exikelial Preian had been decorated many times by the New Directorate of Earth, and he has attained the rank of Commodore in its space fleets for several years. Yet the medals that lay heavy on his shirt had not served to totally cement his will to that of his superiors. He felt mental pangs of uncertainty regarding the near-genocidal orders to obliterate the defenseless Nereo Complex. He doubted they’d listen to his protest, so he had accepted his orders without spoken qualm. He pull a few strings to ensure that the initial bombardment missed the Children’s Centers and sleep quarters, but past that he had obeyed his orders, to the letter. Though presently, it hardly mattered as the NDE shock-troopers crashed through Nereo, annihilating anything that emitted discernible life signatures… Suddenly, a cracked voice hushed the Bridge. “This is Strike Team Alpha, reporting primary mission objectives complete. Requesting extraction.” A trooper said over an unstable voice channel. Preian nodded grimly to the Comm-Officer. “Good work Strike Team. Request granted. Rendezvous with the Shuttle Hermes at Planetary grid subsection 4-G by F-8.” The Comms Officer voiced over the channel. “Acknowledged, Strike Team out.” Through his influence at Central Fleet Command, he was able to hand-select the Bridge crew. He knew them to be good men and women. Dedicated, honorable and responsible. Wondering presently how the cold calculated order had effected them; but when it came down to it, it was his finger on the kill switch, not theirs. He often considered this the malignant irony of command. “Sir, The Hermes has cleared Galabix’s outer atmosphere. ETA seven minutes, 27 seconds.” The ensign said. “Activate the main view, focus on the Shuttle.” Preian ordered. The forward wall now displayed a real-time feed of The Hermes as it made haste from the planet to the docking moors of the Lexington. “ETA five minutes, ten seconds.” An inexplicable permission of danger swept through Preian’s mind. “ETA three minutes, thirteen seconds.” His chest tightened as the feeling increased. “ETA two minutes, zero seconds.” “Sir! Energy build-up detected on multiple orbital platforms!” The startled Comms Officer shouted. Battled hardened, Preian was unaffected by the sudden souring of the mission. “Helm, set intercept course for the Hermes, maximum thrust!” But, even as he gave the orders, several innocent satellites let loose angry beams of azure doom that impacted the small shuttle with fierce speed. The shuttle’s shields flared violently in reaction, but the aft shields and armor plates soon gave out under the intense wrath of the web of the ion-beams. Seconds later, the Hermes exploded in a brilliant, but final orange and red glory. “Report!” Preian shouted!” A few painfully slow seconds passed as various officers gathered information from their respective consoles. “Sensors indicate no life-pods were activated…the computer predicts…” The Ensign paused to control his tears. “…A total loss.” “Sir, incoming transmission from Regent Solaris!” “Damnit all to hell!” Preian said. “Patch him through…” Chapter two coming soon! Spreading insanity, one post at a time "Way back in eighty-seven, where we bust rockstands till we get to heaven" |
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| © Copyright 2000 Alexander Crino - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Nice work. You keep the story moving and, for the most part, leave the important stuff untold for later chapters (I commend your restraint). I liked it. Jim P.S. Your second sentence is a sentence fragment ... consider tacking it to your first sentence.  |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
You have some interesting ideas here - But I think you're skimping around a bit too quickly. I feel like I'm on a rusty, old roller coaster, LOL. Perhaps elaborating on the individual parts a little more, fleshing out the characters and the circumstances would lend a lot of weight to it as a whole. Just somethign to consider - I enjoy the underlying idea, but would like to see more. Christopher |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
What great fun! I get to disagree with Christopher (can you tell how much fun I get out of this?)! I also would like to see you develop the characters in your story but think it is fine to ease us into it. I think you've sparked our interest enough that we are likely to read the next chapter. Robert Jordan does this very well in his first Wheel of Time book (and over-does it thereafter). Take your time with the character development ... don't give us too much too soon (you almost do this with the Commodore). One challenge you may run into down the road is keeping the background of the characters consistent throughout the story. I would suggest you put together a character outline along with some basic background information to use as a template as the story unfolds. I do agree with Chris that you seem to be running the danger of flitting around from scene to scene a little too quickly. I think this makes a good preface (rather than a full chapter). You may want to consider dealing with one character/scenerio at a time until the main characters finally interact (that, I think, is the direction you're headed). Looking forward to the next installment. Jim |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Hmm - much as I hate it (LOL) I do see Jim's point on the Commodore... But I still think at the LEAST, you can flesh out the situations. There's a lot to be said for brevity (I hear), but it's almost like you're giving us still shots of an action sequence. ie: quote: While done fairly well, still isn't much to go off of. Separated from the rest, this is almost inexplicable. I even found myself wondering what kind of tangent it was. Perhaps something like drawing from the outside where the attack is going on, and then centering on Rachael would be helpful. Please don't misunderstand, I think you're doing well - I'm just picky and want more "meat!" LOL Chris |
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Deranger Member
since 2000-05-10
Posts 498Somewhere, between here and there |
Thanks for your comments! I know the begining is a little shaky...But i really appreciate the input... BTW, the intro is locate here /pip/Forum15/HTML/000925.html Spreading insanity, one post at a time "Way back in eighty-seven, where we bust rockstands till we get to heaven" |
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AngelShell Member
since 2000-03-01
Posts 446not heaven nor hell so... |
hmmm...I don't want to seem like the odd one out...but I'm confused...at least I was TOTALLY confused and now I'm just a little confused. I didn't get it untill the last part when that Regent guy wanted to talk to that other guy...I hope there's going to be an explaination...and what exactly was blown up, I didn't follow that either...I think I've just had a hard day and my brains not functioning too well...I ususall stop on the way home to grab some life-giving caffiene but it was pouring down and I just wanted to get home and crawl up into a little ball... But I still love it, and your style of writing (as usual) is so great that I can't stop reading it...I'm really not so patiently waiting for the rest.... Love ya babe!!!!! **I didn't loose my mind it was mine to give away** ~Robbie Williams~ |
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