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Above and Beyond Chapter Two
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Above and Beyond Chapter Two |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
Chapter Two Lana Cassidy lived in an older section of Washington, D. C. Her mother was from Maine and her father from Southern Kentucky. Lana never knew her grandparents and yearned to know more about them and where she came from. It seemed these days; she had many questions and fewer answers. Her grandfather was originally from the South of France, and her grandmother hailed from Crosshaven, Ireland. As a child she remembered her father telling of how her grandfather had reminiscenced of living "at the end of the world" on Amsterdam Island, and perhaps this is how she developed her desire to visit an island someday. She had envisioned pebbles endlessly scattered along the coast of a boundless deep blue sea, right amidst the Indian Ocean. Her grandmother grew up in the village of Crosshaven near Cork City, in the south of Ireland. Lana always felt more Irish than French, and loving the French language the way she did and speaking it from her childhood, she was beginning to feel a stronger connection to her French roots, and she believed it was because of her love for the Arts and her love for poetry. She did possess an Irish temper but rarely exhibited it. Lana knew when to hold her tongue. Somehow, it was becoming increasingly difficult to do that these days. One of her secret fantasies was meeting someone who also spoke French. Lana smiled, thinking of the possibilities. "I'd better wait until I get to work to read these ads, maybe by then I'll have come to my senses and realize how absolutely insane the entire idea is." she whispered to herself changing her mind. Who would even care? A few messages back and forth, and I'll laugh about it, maybe even tell someone I did it, no I think this will be my little secret. If there's one thing Lana could do, it was keep a secret. They all came out in her nightmares. She simply wanted one that resembled a dream. Fall in love? No, she had no intention of falling in love and believed that to truly love you have to know the inside of a person and not just the outward appearance. Lana didn't realize that from correspondence, that is exactly what you see in stark detail, open and vulnerable. It's not easy to hide ones true self in correspondence unless one is conniving and deceitful, which Lana is not. She had no room for duplicity in her life, only room someone who would be honest and give her a chance to respond and be heard. Since losing her husband, Ian, in Desert Storm, she had in her mind, sold and re-sold their home many times. For some reason, it was important for her to keep it for herself, and her son, Anton, even though he had recently joined the service leaving an empty ppace in Lana's world. Anton truly is the joy in her life. The past few years had been very trying for her, emotionally as well as mentally, as she found herself not being able to focus on goals and why? Because at night, when the streetlights competed for the moonlight and the invisible thoughts of the day began to fall as a mist around her, she would fight incredible loneliness and she would reach out and no one would be there to hold her. At night, the pillow would soon be damp from the tears she had stored through the day, until they finally poured out. Lana put on a good show for everyone, most days and most of the time, but at night, alone in her bed nothing could illuminate the shadows on the wall; nothing could bring her husband back to her. "I've never felt so completely alone in my entire life, how long has it been since I shared a glance, a feeling or a touch from a man? Others don't realize how it's been all these years, a few dates now and then, sure, but after that, then what? I don't want an afternoon or an overnighter; I want someone who reaches into the dry places, that wilderness area of my life where everything is barren and just a little seed remains. Someone who can make it bloom again. Someone who thinks he can't, but discovers he has everything it takes to nurture me, entirely. Some who won't leave me, and even Lana knew that what she was feeling was an unreasonable dream. At thirty-nine, she faced turning forty in a short time, and wondered why it didn't seem to matter at this point. Fifty, that's when she would begin to worry, not until then, for now, she was simply at a crossroads and it was one she had fought with everything inside to avoid. Her best friend, B.J., had encouraged and pleaded with her to date, get out and meet someone, and it was time for it. Lana held back, for she knew in her heart or at least she felt that if she were to meet someone, she would still feel disloyal to the memory of her husband, even thought it was not that way. Lana was loyal; she never let anyone down to the point that it was herself she often let down. It was just her nature to give. At times she could be decisive, outgoing and blunt. At other times, she was impulsive and emotional, spouting off with a girlish quality that was admirable, but not very sophisticated in today's world. Most who got to know her cared about her, however, many times they simply lost patience with her. She hadn't worked in years; since her husband, Ian, had died until she found this new job position a year ago and she began to love it. She began to love the contact with people and the fulfillment of actually hearing a voice respond to her and a face looking back at her. The health difficulties she lives with are more than emotional and at times she experienced rapid heartbeats and tries to stay calm and relaxed. At this point in her life, she wants to move forward, but she fights the worst kind of fear you can imagine. It is a suffocating fear, a flood of nightmares; those haunting occurrences when the mind takes over and the body lies there submitting to every painful memory one ever had. Even then, the answers don't come. Convoluted images often leave you sweating and awakened in frenzy. What good are they? Lana hadn't had a decent nights sleep in years. No one was there to keep watch over her, no one she could really trust. She worked for a small lawyer's office and enjoyed the solitude and relaxed atmosphere of the work environment. Lana had been reluctant to accept the position, but her best friend, B.J. had set the entire thing up and she knew her friend would not recommend something that wasn't going to enrich her life, she just couldn't believe it at the time. Even though work had been wonderful, and she'd had many years from it there was something she had never had and longed for, and that was a vacation. Staying at home to raise Anton, and then not wanting to leave him after Ian died had left her feeling as if she had missed something. Something was missing, and she didn't have an idea of what it was, or how to find out. A cherished fantasy perhaps? Sure, why not? At this time in her life it was a reason to smile in a crowded elevator, or pause to sip a cup of coffee in a café as you remember the laughter among tangled sheets, or walking down a city street with self?confidence knowing that you finally did something for yourself and felt wonderful about it. Or rest your eyes at half mask knowing that very evening, someone who loved you would hold you unconditionally. At thirty-nine, Lana was still attractive. Her hair was a reddish gold with highlights and except for a few threatening streaks of gray, she really wasn't too worried yet. Her freckled nose had tamed down a bit since childhood, but her brown eyes could still sparkle, they just hadn't done so in a very long time. At 5'3" she never considered herself petite, Lana actually hated petite, she wanted to be tall and slender but she wasn't. Her figure was average, she had round shoulders, and her skin was still amazingly soft and supple. Her wardrobe had undergone a dramatic change as she branched out into colors she never dared to wear. Now she would wear pink, lavender, and even red. Today, however, she knew the weather was ominous and she chose to wear slacks and a cashmere sweater. The scars on her arm though small, always bothered her. They were part of her nightmares, scars that would never go away. Reaching for her purse, she checked one last time to make sure she had her keys, cell phone, lipstick and a thousand other things. Hand lotion and alpha hydroxy had become her mainstay during cold weather. Her skin was light and blushed with the slightest touch whether by a physical hand or a tender heart colored in words by someone who cared. She had recently purchased an electronic organizer but found it to be more trouble than it was worth. She had opened an e-mail account and there, she found she could record every thought and every detail of her life trying so hard to sort it out. Empty folders sitting some filled with thoughts from her diaries of years ago that were lost and some she desperately wanted to fill with the words of someone who truly meant them. The words from someone she had always known and yet had never met. "Oh, fine it's snowing, and I'm running late." Lana grabbed the wool coat in the closet by the front door and headed out to her car. Once inside she fought the urge to light up a cigarette deciding instead to leave them in the glove compartment. "Weakling!" she chided herself. "Why do you keep cigarettes in the glove compartment and where are your gloves? Smoking was the last thing she needed with her heart condition and she knew it. She owed it to herself to quit and also for her son, Anton. The traffic ruled against her, but she shut it all out and listened to the oldies station, once on the freeway she felt a surge of renewal and actually was beginning to look forward to arriving at work. Lana didn't mind being the last one in the office. She often times stopped for a Diet Pepsi at the machine, but today she wanted a cup of coffee with cream and lots of sugar. Deciding to take the stairs and make one small effort in getting back into an exercise program, Lana soon regretted this as she huffed and puffed her way up 3 flights and fought the urge to condemn herself even more for ever having taken up smoking after twenty years. Finally, she reached her cubicle and there, she enjoyed a nice view of the city, glad to know the white frame around the window was on the outside and not on the inside. "I need coffee." She grabbed her mug and headed for the coffee room, trying to fight the urge to check those ads. "I can't believe I'm struggling with the idea of meeting someone this way. I feel like a star struck teenager at her first dance. What is wrong with me? Am I so out of touch? Well, the bar scene is not for me, one drink and I'd be under the table and there where would I be? On my way to cleaners the next day, that's where!" She poured herself a full cup, filled it with cream and sugar, stirred it and memorized the shapes of the cream swirling around the side of the cup. Walking faster than usual back to her cube, once there she sighed a sigh of relief. She just started talking to herself, while warming her hands with the coffee cup "Now, at last before my supervisor shows up I can sneak a peek at those ads. I wouldn't want anyone to know I'm even considering answering one. I bet if the truth were known, everyone here does the same thing. Just think, Lana, you could answer an ad from someone right in this building!" Finally, without any further hesitation she turned on the computer. " Oh, fine, only several dozen steps before you actually log on and what is my password again? Oh, yes, I remember now, it's the one thing I have been doing all of my life. Navigating." Several minutes later, she became frustrated as the screen was moving slower and slower than the words of fury flashed at her "Database Temporarily Unavailable". "It's a sign, it's just a sign, and I knew it." Lana would wait until perhaps her break and check again. By then surely a few more perverts would have composed something wonderfully deceitful and she would fall right into their plan. She thought of reviewing her portfolio once more before lunch, in case she should meet an ill fate, but then smiled knowing at least through it all, she had a sense of humor. In the meantime, she let her mind focus more clearly on what she had been planning. Her vacation and the reason she wanted to pursue it. Working with lawyers was sometimes stressful, but not often, she just wondered what it all meant. It seemed the cases were nothing more than angry, hurting people who wanted answers, just as she did. They couldn't express themselves in court so they paid someone to do it for them. Lana wanted to express herself also, and she wanted more than anything to have the opportunity to write. But there was something she wanted more at this time in her life. She wanted to visit an island. To the one place she always dreamed of but never visited. A place where she felt the shoreline was calling to her and yet she didn't know why, couldn't understand why, it was a mystery to her but she felt it more than anything she ever felt in her life. Lana knew that after she checked her messages she would also make those travel arrangements, but not until June, and then she would go to the place she remembered hearing about. A place where time stops and you sit with the stars and fit somewhere between the rich and those who are rich within, on earth's horizon and let the tide reach out in sprays of sweet violin strings, until they reverberated into your entire soul. No more delay, her money had been saved, she knew she would go. Lana was going to Amsterdam Island, in June. But right now, she longed for 10:00 and access to the message board. How incomprehensible it all seemed to her. She sipped slowly, pretending she was in a café, instead of facing a desk full of papers and no doubt a mountain of snow during the drive home that evening. Meanwhile Frank was experiencing the worst kind of self-control. Nothing, not even Ranger School had prepared him for how hard it would be to not turn on the PC before tomorrow morning. < !signature--> Kathleen [This message has been edited by Irish Rose (edited 09-28-2000).] |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Kathleen, Cut off again. I just feel like turning on both their computers and doing the browsing myself! Now we wait for part 3 Liz |
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