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The Lost One - Revised
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The Lost One - Revised |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN 
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This one is a little weird methinks.. but tell me what you think, what you like and don't! Comments and critiques are, as always, welcomed The lake was still, almost unnaturally so. The sapphire studded length of it was silken all the way until it met with the azure sky. It was a quiet day, tranquility was in all things on the glass expanse of lake. All was tranquil but the soul of one man. One man was there in sight and his soul was twisting and boiling like a sea in storm. He was drowning in his misery, caught in the unreality of nightmare. He lay alone in a weathered boat, floating serenely a goodly distance from the shore of broken rock, but still under the shadow of a watercolor smudge of forest. The sun, just creeping over the trees let loose its rays. They fell over the boat and struck the man’s face he squeezed his eyes shut tighter, stirred and blinked. Strong, callused hands rose in fists to rub the grit of sleep from bleary eyes and then he looked about him. His eyes fell first upon the endless horizon and the line of division was harsh in his eyes. Hands grew white knuckled on sunburned knees and a knot rose in his throat as his eyes misted over. The reality of the nightmares sifted though. He remembered the roar of the storm as it washed over the rocks of the lighthouse. He grabbed the flares and leapt to his boat and stroking wildly for the island. Then there was the rending of timbers on stone, and screams and then complete black fell on him. He came back to himself and turned swiftly from the horizon. The harsh shore filled him with foreboding but his only hope of reaching the lighthouse was to follow the shore, or to find some landmark. The sun was waxing high and the man drew the back of his hand across his forehead. His head throbbed and a painful lump had appeared on the back of his head. No doubt the source of his headache and unconsciousness. Again the man’s mind strayed and he shuddered. Choking down the pain and he broke out the oars and stroked parallel to shore. His great pulls made the splintered shore to nearly fly by. His eyes were constantly flitting to the shore in hope of seeing something familiar. Seemingly miles of shoreline had passed him by as he strained onwards. Fatigue was beginning to lay leaden in his limbs as a great opening in the trees yawned. Hope began to glimmer within him, as he was sure he knew this muddy little stream. A quick glance showed dark silhouettes or rotting hulks and a few tall masts. Jetsam was floating about, an unusual sight for the Black Rock River mouth, but the man was more interested in finding a way to the lighthouse. He began to row up the shallow water and as he rowed he watched the trees pass by. Great spreading maples reaching over the river with twisted arms and bone white birches rising like skeletons. The river was eerily quiet, even in the light of day and the man found his hope being slowly crushed and replaced with an irrational fear. Stories of ghosts ships and evil spirits and the specter of loneliness were eating him Fear lent new strength to his limbs and he paddled onwards, his eyes closed and his lips parted, mumbling softly as if in prayer. As he rowed he saw the lighthouse burnt on his eyelids. He saw a falling shadow and the ship as it was rent on the jagged shore as the prow of the boat struck something. His eyes fluttered open and he nearly fell. The man turned and saw a wall of gray granite rising up a dozen feet with water gurgling down. It was brighter here as the river widened. Unaltered light fell on his face and his spirits rose, the heat and light washed away childhood myths. The sun was swiftly falling though, not too much longer would it shed its light. The man thought he would seek shelter for the night as it was still several more miles up river to the service road that ran to the lighthouse. He leapt from the boat and dragged it onto the sandy banks, when he was sure it wouldn’t drift off he looked about for a place to make a camp. After finding some firewood he decided he would climb the cliff in hopes of getting a better view of his surroundings. It was not a difficult climb, but it was rough on his harsh hands. After arriving on the summit, he spent some time bathing his hands before he looked about. Then he raised his head and gazed about. A pool of deep water stood before him and further back another wall of granite descending in giant’s steps. Water trickled down those steps, and fell bubbling and glimmering over them. The sun was falling, and as it drew near the horizon its parting rays hit the granite face and it was washed in light. The water on the steps glowed into a cascade of rubies, emeralds, sapphires and amethyst. Then the sun dropped its golden head below the earth. He saw none of it though, for before him in the pool was a figure arrayed as if for sleep, she wore a robe and her hair fanned around her like a halo. Her eyes were shut and upon her youthful unlined face was a baleful smile. She lay there beneath the water as if in glass. The man could not move, he was frozen to the spot. His eyes and jaw were wide and his hands clutched the rock. He wrested back some control then and loosened his convulsive hands and stood up. He recoiled in fear and took one step back, one final step. His foot fell on empty air and the man plummeted to earth and in his mind a shadow was revealed in dreadful splendor. A plummeting figured in glorious white with golden hair bursting about her. He saw her as she leapt from the lighthouse a love letter in her hand. He landed upon the boat with a wet crack and rolled to the empty sand. There was no pain for him, only a blissful stasis, except for the memories. Memories of a woman that he had loved with all his heart, one he would never betray. The same women that had lain in a watery tomb not thirty feet from him. He vaguely thought of her as he grew lightheaded and the warmth seeped from him. His vision began to grow hazy and as his thoughts drifted off he saw her once more, algae in her hair, eyes empty and staring and clutching a letter for another woman. From another man. < !signature--> Abrahm Simons "Keep on dreamin' boy 'cause when you stop dreaming it's time to die" - Blind Melon [This message has been edited by Dusk Treader (edited 08-19-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Abrahm Simons - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
Awesome Abrahm! You know I loved the lighthouse thing and the visions of the water...I didn't think this was weird at all. Truly beautiful work my love, I enjoyed it a lot!  *Krista Knutson* "You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." -Barbara DeAngelis |
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Silkdragon Member
since 2000-06-24
Posts 65 |
well, you're right, abe, it is weird. but i like it. it's vague, and it gives you that sense of being dreaming, of unreality. like i'd imagine the man must be feeling. even though i don't totally understand it, i kind of like the ending... it's strange and cool. LOL. keep up the good work.erin |
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sweetcollege_girl Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872just about where I want to be |
Ditto, here abe....weird, but absolutely magnificent story!  )Read mine? Please?  "For every beauty, there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth, there is an ear somewhere to hear it For every love, there is a heart some |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Excellent!!! I really enjoyed this Abe. It's nice to see your writing get better and better with each piece you post. There is only one minor point.. this sentence: 'He stripped his clothes knifed the water.' Not sure if you finished that thought.. but It's really good...(do I hear MAIN SITE?) |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Help! Help! I'm drowning in imagery! Help! Ok, only in the first half... But I do have to admit m'friend, that if it'd not been you, and I'd not have known it would get "better," I wouldn't have continued. You've the makings of a very interesting and unique story here... but first. lay off the imagery! LOL... I love it, you do it well... too damn well. In the beginning of this one, it was nigh to overwhelming. Increse this, form an explanation, there is a beginning and an end.. but no complete explanation of motive, intent of justification. Why was it that he felt the pull? How did she end up there, when she'd fallen into the sea? What happened in the accident? How come he was in a boat, if he had been in a lighthouse? Was he a lighthouse tender? And if so, then what prompted him to the sea? If not, then why was he in the lighthouse? Questions m'boy, I have them and they need to be answered! |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Gads. I have to side with Christopher. [Sigh] |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
Thank you all for replying, I appreciate your comments *Sigh* I have to agree with Chris too... We better not do this often Karilea or he'll never shut up  Working on a revision tonight... Abrahm Simons "Keep on dreamin' boy 'cause when you stop dreaming it's time to die" - Blind Melon |
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Dawn Eclipse Senior Member
since 2000-01-31
Posts 637The Horsehead Nebula |
wow abe! that was an awesome story! If you are rewriting it to make it better in your opinion, I can't wait to see it! "The universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper." Eden Phillpotts *Cassandra Roseen* |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
MUCH BETTERYou could still stand some more explanation, but then you'd have a long story on your hands. This revision did much to whet at least some of the appetite.  Kudos m'man, I'll wait for the next revision... hehehe |
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Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
Wonderful revision my dear! I understand what Chris meant by toning down the imagery. It is much easier to read through now, and I loved the new ending! It fit perfectly. Extremely well done my dear, I envy your talent! *Krista Knutson* "You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." -Barbara DeAngelis |
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Paula Finn Member Ascendant
since 2000-06-17
Posts 5546missouri |
This is great... |
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Silkdragon Member
since 2000-06-24
Posts 65 |
VERY MUCH BETTER ABE!!!! *applauds* the story make much more sense now, and feels more complete. I liked the ending very much. How sad... *sniffle * glad you revised it, and toned down the imagery a bit. It's good to see you exploring character in more depth. Can't wait to see more! Erin [This message has been edited by Silkdragon (edited 08-20-2000).] |
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Dawn Eclipse Senior Member
since 2000-01-31
Posts 637The Horsehead Nebula |
awe... I liked them both! Both endings were interesting, and all that good stuff... yeah. Wonderfully done. "Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other course, no other way... No day but today" ~Broadway Musical RENT~ *Cassandra Roseen* |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Excellent work Abrahm... never got to read the first version so can't say how much has changed .... A few very small punctuation blemishes... and a typo perhaps in "The same women that had lain in a watery tomb ..." should have been "woman"... overall, a great write... full of images... maybe you could cut down on the plentiful images or expand the theme lending a more even balance in story line and images... just my way of thinking... regards, sudhir [This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (edited 08-21-2000).] |
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Night_Myst Junior Member
since 2000-08-16
Posts 34River Falls, WI |
Two words: Great Read. True, 'tis a might bit on the strange side, but in a good way. Something like the Twilight Zone. Though I never read the original post, I do believe that it was a bit heavy on the imagry, mostly in the first half. Maybe that's just a personal preference. Good job. |
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sonjes Senior Member
since 2000-02-18
Posts 564North Carolina |
Very intriguing read. I can honestly say that I didn't see the ending coming. But, when I went back for another read through, I saw the foreshadowing. Just what I like in a story. Ooh! I just had a thought...a name escaping his lips as he plummets to the earth. Or maybe not! Over all, an intriguing peace with (I think) great imagery. Don't care what people say Just follow your own way Don't give up and use the chance To return to innocence. -Enigma |
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