»
Main Forums
»
Passions in Prose
»
One Friday (my first attempt)
| Passions in Prose |
|
One Friday (my first attempt) |
|
|
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648
|
The day started out as any other. A bright crisp January morning called her from a warm cozy bed. Reluctantly she rose to meet its challenges without a clue as to what this particular day would demand. A stop at the convenience store on the way to work was, of course, a priority. How could this day or any day start without that robust liquid eye-opener? The world just didn’t seem right without it. Perhaps a bagel too, she thought, to tide her over until lunchtime would be nice today. The smiles and good will of the holiday season still decorated the city just as festive as the twinkling lights and garland that hung from just about every window at every turn. “All is well with the world”, they seemed to say. The brilliance of the sun belied the chill in the air. “What a wonderful time of year this is”, she said to herself as she hurried on to work. Nothing out of the ordinary occurred this Friday as she plodded along through her work feeling that wonderful sense of accomplishment from a job well done. Everything seemed to fall into place practically taking care of itself as she stole brief moments of time daydreaming of the much longed for weekend. Weekends, ah, those two little days of freedom and of great possibilities came too slowly. They would come twice as often if she had anything to say about it. Life, she thought, slips by so quickly while the masses toil away oblivious to its passing. How sad to have to make do with two days a week to live life. She had become quite good at making do, though, after many years of getting used to the idea. Finished early with her paperwork she sat leisurely at her desk waiting for 6 p.m. Another 45 minutes and life could begin. She stared at the clock. Why doesn’t it move faster? She didn’t realize that she was actually wishing life away. Tick-tock, tick-tock. 5:20 now, 40 more minutes, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. Finally! Yes! Time to go home, relax with a hot cup of tea, perhaps a bit of TV. She savored the thought of sleeping in on Saturday morning, a reward for working so hard all week. Life does have its little moments of pleasure, she thought. Settled in at the kitchen table with her steamy cup of tea and her thoughts, she was interrupted by the ringing of the phone. Thinking it was one of her girls she cheerfully answered it, expecting a brief run down of the day from one of her children and perhaps a suggestion for a Saturday afternoon trip to the movie theatre which she always enjoyed doing with her daughters. The voice on the other end was trembling, choking back tears. It was her sister. “Dad collapsed and stopped breathing at about 5:20 this afternoon.” She felt her stomach twist and writhe, listening to those shocking words, remembering that time. That time that she was wishing away earlier today. How she wished now that it was within her power to turn back the clock. Who would have dreamed that his long awaited vacation would end like this? “The paramedics brought him back but he is in a coma and the doctors are not holding out any hope. They suggest that we get down there as soon as possible. Pack a bag. We will be flying to Tampa on the first available flight tomorrow. Someone will meet us at the airport for the drive to Sarasota. I’ll call you back later with the flight details and the time we will be picking you up tomorrow.” As she hung up the phone, hot tears stinging her eyes and streaming down her cheeks, she realized that the holiday season, weekends and even time itself would never again be the same. [This message has been edited by dsnyder (edited 03-03-2000).] |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Denise - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
Interesting piece you have here. I especially like the theme of it. How we waste and even wish away the seconds, minutes and hours that later become so important to us. I enjoyed the ending too, a rather fitting conclusion I think. And on a technical note, you have an overabundance of commas (The dang things breed like rabbits.. at least they do in my writing...) Other than that it was good reading. I enjoyed this much and I sure hope to see some more contributions! Abrahm Simons Put one foot on the path of life and tread the dagger's path betwixt dark and light. |
||
|
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Thanks DT, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'll see what I can do about those commas!  Denise |
||
|
Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Denise, I'm so glad to see you take the plunge. I did the same a week or so ago. It wasn't so bad, was it? I had never written prose either. Thie was enjoyable reading, although the end was sad. I don't think your character is alone in her clock watching, so many can relate to this theme. But most probably don't view it as "wishing time (their life) away". The theme of this is interesting, indeed. Good job, Denise. Liz |
||
|
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Thank you for reading and commenting, Elizabeth! I'm glad you thought it was good! This had been working on my mind for a time now (Marilyn's challenge) and after seeing several others rise to the occassion I decided to give it a try. Don't know if there will be any more or not. I'll have to wait and see on that one. No, this wasn't too hard. Just had to come up with a theme, that was the hardest part. Thanks again for your input, Elizabeth. Denise |
||
|
Lost Dreamer Member Elite
since 1999-06-20
Posts 2464Somewhere near the Rainbow |
Denise, I enjoyed this glad you took the plunge also, I started doing a story which who knows will ever be done, but as I go along I post it here too. It gives me the confidence to go on with it. I hope you write another one for I think you have the ability to write well like this. |
||
|
WhtDove Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245Illinois |
Denise this is great! It sure will make you stop and think about time and those things we take for granite. |
||
|
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Thank you Gloria and Rebecca, I'm glad you enjoyed it.  Denise [This message has been edited by dsnyder (edited 03-03-2000).] |
||
|
rwood Member Elite
since 2000-02-29
Posts 3793Tennessee |
Hey Denise...I thought you did a great job. I have so many of those clock watching days. I have to slow down and seize the moment! Thanks for sharing this. The message is wonderful. Sincerely, Rwood |
||
|
Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
I enjoyed this a great deal, Denise. Time is such an interesting subject matter, and the way you have used it here is interesting...the minutes we take for granted, the ones that pass so slowly and then those that speed us to the final breath. |
||
|
Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Tears from this one Denise... such a sad story..I like it...but where are the 'too many' commas? |
||
|
hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Denise...nice to see you joining the prose world and what a great entrance. As sad as this story is, it is very well written. I like the thought of the clock counting down. Well done |
||
|
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Thank you Rwood, Sharon, Martie and Hoot for reading and for your kind comments! I always appreciate it! Denise p.s. Sharon, I took out the extra commas already....I think I overdid it though! |
||
LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
This is a great piece. My grandmother always told me "don't wish your life away", but I don't always take that advice. You put a good lesson into this piece. Keep up the good work! "To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world" |
||
|
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Your grandmother gave you wise advice! Thank you for your kind comments on my piece! It is appreciated, LoveBug! Denise |
||
|
Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
I am sorry it took me so long to get to this piece Denise. Great effort here and a great moral. I hope you take the time to join us here again some time. |
||
|
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Thanks, Marilyn. I'm glad you liked it. I'll see what I can come up with in the future. Denise |
||
|
Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Denise, I liked the story and the theme, but was a little disappointed when it stopped....I wanted to continue reading. |
||
|
Mellon Collie Junior Member
since 2000-03-25
Posts 49united states of america |
dear miss snyder, i think this is a brilliant and well-thought-out piece of work i've often pondered the same idea (though usually with much less tragic results). i have to admit, however, that i might prefer to see your piece ending where you have the line "Who would have dreamed that his long awaited vacation would end like this?" i suppose that's just the part of me that likes tragedy to lack resolution. anyway, very good job sincerely, the beautiful freak |
||
skyshine
since 2002-02-07
Posts 3058Beneath the northern stars |
I found this hidden on the back pages. This was your first attempt? You should write more prose, Denise. It was really good and made me think, which is the job of a writer, isn't it? The last few lines are a good finish. Is this about your family? *hugs*  ~sky Hold on, if you feel like letting go |
||
|
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Yes, this was about my family. Sorry for the over 3 year delay in answering you. I was just looking over some of my old stuff and came upon this. Thanks so much, I'm glad you liked it! |
||
|
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
So grateful am I when a member pushes a good write back to the top. Enjoyed this very much, Denise, as I could identify with a number of the messages left, especially as we once again look forward to another Christmas season.  |
||
|
JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Wonderful message within these lines...James |
||
|
Claira Member
since 2008-05-11
Posts 102British but living in Thailand |
This is a great piece, I picked it out randomly, glad I did. Really enjoyed Claira |
||
|
kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
as a guy approaching 30 soon, i am fascinated with the passing of time. i sure hope that i am not wasting my life away! |
||
|
Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
It seems you took the plunge (into prose) and walked away. And I'm trying to understand why. I like that you dealt with this topic without hesitation. More, please. If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
