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July 16, 1999
| Passions in Prose |
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July 16, 1999 |
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Julie Jordan Scott Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 146Bakersfield, CA USA 
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I would appreciate feedback on this, I am working on this "mini ebook" and it has taken on a life of its own....it is a chapter from my recent life....this is definitely a first draft...I am looking mostly to see if the words resonate with you, and if I express fully the emotionalism of the experience.... Thanks! ********************************* I sat down at my desk as I had countless times before. Revved up the computer, haphazardly tossed my purse down. Greeted people as they passed my office door. Another day as a County drone. I adored my Mentally Ill clients, but the bureaucracy and politics so squelched my creative spirit, at times I felt I was dying from 8-5. Paperwork and brown nosing have never been my forte. Meeting people heart to heart, core to core, that is where my soul is fed. Idly I called up my voice mail messages. The first one was marked private, which is unusual. A private message can not be forwarded. It can only be accessed by the receiver, unlike the normal message, which I frequently forward to others who are involved in the lives of my clients. Listening attentively, it was a call from one of the toughest clients in the system. He was very angry, as he did not believe himself to be crazy. Seeing that his reality was so far from true reality, he could not understand why the court would decide that he once again needed to be placed on a conservatorship. Obviously, it is something that I did, as the Personification of this legal authority placed upon him. No matter how many times I tried to explain that I was not the expert in these matters, that my job was to get him OFF of conservatorship, he clearly was not believing me at this point. "Julie Scott," he intoned deeply and breathlessly, "I am going to lurk in the shadows with my rifle. I am going to blow you away. I am going to wait in the darkness for you." His voice droned on....."I don't care if I spend a lifetime in prison, it will be worth it to see you gone!" A chill went down my spine. He went on for more than a minute... about how he wanted to do the deed, how he would take the punishment and how much I deserved it. This came from a client who talked his way off a psychiatric unit. A smart but very sick man who frequently went off his medications, I had seen him become very frightening on more than one occasion. I asked his case manager to listen to the message. She was also visibly shaken. She directed me to my boss for him to listen to it. This was a Monday morning. I felt as if a black cloud had descended on me. Not two months earlier a different client had threatened to kill me. The first client had many gang contacts and lived less than a mile from my home in an independent living situation. Until I had him locked up. In the prior five years this had never happened. And now twice in two months? From clients who I worked so closely with, who I had connected with, worked with to reach their personal goals? One of my clients told me a few months before this, "Julie, you are a breath of fresh air. Most social workers are just not like you." I took that as a compliment, since her take on social workers was not always a good one. Not at all. Yet she knew I would listen to her poetry, share some of mine, sing with her, listen to her vent, share pictures of my children, take her to see plays, validate her feelings. It was all simply me. So why would any of them want me dead? As so frequently happens with me, I quickly went into denial. Nah, no problem! This was not upsetting to me at all! That did not last long, though. At my therapy session on Wednesday it all bubbled out. I had only started therapy because I had such a difficult time feeling "normal" after the first threat. And now this one! I took the following Thursday and Friday off to try to regroup. To try to feel better, to have at least some semblance of myself back. I would have good days, and then bad dark moments and then another good day and then more dark, ugly feelings and flash backs. I felt myself losing grip myself. I had made an appointment with a Doctor because I was not feeling better. After the therapy, the time, the continuing to work, the vacation days, I still did not feel any better. Me? A psych eval? It just did not fit! I work at Mental Health, I am not a consumer of Mental Health! What is up with this? My whole world was scrambled. I was due to see the doctor on Monday. I had talked myself out of it and back into it countless times. Finally, on the Friday before the appointment, I was called upon to help move one of my clients. My youngest client, he was barely 18. He was constantly leaving his locked facility (usually by jumping the six foot fence) looking to go home. The last time he took off, he showed up at the hospital. I asked for a drug screen, I knew something was up. He came back positive for methamphetamines. I knew that with this drug, a violent person could become more violent. I knew that it was my name that was invoked whenever he had behavioral difficulties. "You have to do XYZ or Julie Scott will call the cops on you. You do ABC and you will be stuck in this hell whole for longer because of Julie Scott." His case manager asked for my assistance moving this client from the acute psych unit to the locked facility where he lived. "Sure, I will help!" I said to him. Thinking, "No way, no way. I am too scared, I can not do this. He can hurt me. My mind raced. I went in the bathroom and cried...and panicked and paced. Something has GOT to give! I can not continue to FEEL like this!" I flew into a manic busy mode, talking too much, laughing too much, somehow getting through the rest of the day. Some kind of Autopilot on steroids helped me through. Knowing the doctor appointment was nearing, I thought I would be ok. I thought I would somehow be OK. I would somehow find my way back to me. I had to. Or else, my clients might as well do me in. At least then I would not have to worry about it anymore, right? I am a Life Purpose Coach who specializes in assisting men and women to clarify their Life Purpose and then in turn live true to their purpose. After 5 years working with the Severely Mentally Ill in County Mental Health, I gave up the bureaucracy (and safe, secure blanket) of this environment to pursue my own purpose and passion. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Julie Jordan Scott - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Tara Simms Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 1244Honea Path, SC USA |
Julie, I wasn't aware of the specifics of this threat towards you. That must've been terrifying. Being a recent recipient of a violent threat, I can understand the fear you must've felt at this. It makes me admire you even more for taking charge of your life! It matters not how strait the gate; How charged with punishments the scroll; I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. --W.E. Henley |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
Terrifying situation, Julie.. I never really thought about the things social workers (excuse me if that's an improper term:0) go through while working. I think the words did portray a sense of urgency and a kind of frightened speed. Excellent writing  In flames I shall not be consumed, but reborn. |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Scary indeed! Be careful! As to the story, the only criticism I have is the formatting. I think perhaps it would be easier read if not centered, but that just may be my op. Other than that, I found it easy to read, clear and enjoyable, (if a little frightening!) |
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Julie Jordan Scott Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 146Bakersfield, CA USA |
Tara, DuskTreader and Christopher, Thanks for your input! I appreciate it very much! Be on the lookout for chapter 2. DT, yes, Social Worker is the right term, even though the exact title I had was Deputy Conservator. Most people have no idea what that means! I am a Life Purpose Coach who specializes in assisting men and women to clarify their Life Purpose and then in turn live true to their purpose. After 5 years working with the Severely Mentally Ill in County Mental Health, I gave up the bureaucracy (and safe, secure blanket) of this environment to pursue my own purpose and passion. |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Julie: You have presented your situation very effectively here, providing the perfect balance between your duties as a professional and your concern for your own well-being. You have built up the suspense very well with detailing the steps you took to help cope with the problem. However, in your opening statement you asked that we evaluate whether you are putting across the emotionally charged nature of the situation in your writing; in this, I believe you could do more. You have done an excellent job relaying your wrestling with logic and reason, the supression of the panic which threatens to overtake you. However, you fail to provide any descriptions of the emotions that you are trying to contain. Explore that, and I believe you have the makings of a very gripping piece of writing here. I am off to read the next chapter ... --Kess You cannot choose the way of your death, but the path you choose will determine its own end. |
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