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Loss of Feelings
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Loss of Feelings |
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Ladycat 
since 1999-07-05
Posts 782At the edge and a doorway,TX 
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This is a rather long piece and it took me from the time that my father passed til now to figure out that I needed to get this out of my system. All misspelled words and bad placements are meant to be there. It was written at the time that my father was dying of cancer. It is in diary form and something might seem wrong, but that was the frame of mind that I was in at the time. I would like to thank my husband, Jason, for the love shown during this rough time in my life, and to Alicat for giving me the boost that I needed to finally share this with others. This is a true story. Loss of Feelings 07-30-98 Dear Diary, Jason comes home today. Here we go again. I have started a love affair with life. I have learned to love again. I mean real love and not the cheap thing that I seem to hold in my heart from time to time. What to do? My father is dying. I’ll Miss You Always God Keep You Safe There are so many things that I want to- need to tell you, but how? How can I bring out everything and tell you that you are the one that kept my hope in dance alive. I know that you have done your Earthly work and now it is time for you to go home. Sometimes I wish that I could go with you though. I know it is silly, but if you were reading this you would understand. Jason, I’ve missed you for so long. Thank you for coming home and making everything seem right in my life. The music is deafening, but I can hear it all so clearly now. The sound of bells, whistles, and angels singing in sounds not normal to the unholy ears of man. Only the children, the weak, the sick and the dying can hear such tunes. The holy hears a different song. Faintly in the back of my mind I can hear a golden harp being played by golden fingertips. We are not as close to home though and can’t hear the sound that well. When we are hit our lowest point is when we’ll hear everything. We are the strong We are the powerful We are the future Once again God I would like to thank you for all my little blessings; whatever they maybe. Love, Lady 08-01-98 Dear Diary, Here I am again. 3hrs in advance for J’s flight back here. Just sitting with the boys, Ali and Jimmy. I’m hungry, tired and upset at the fact that I’m sitting here writing while Jimmy and Ali is enjoying good books. I wish I had thought of that. The stress of everything is starting to grate on my last nerve. Hey, who am I to complain I haven’t gotten proper rest in almost 3wks? Come on in sadness and let me at least feel something. Anything. I have been numb for so long that if I feel again I just might die. When I get home I can’t be lovey dovey. I have work to do. Consolidating bills to be paid. To sleep is to dream and I haven’t slept in so long that I don’t know what a dream is. I have nightmares all the time now and after my father passes away I’ll probably have more. I guess that’s that in my world. I have to remember that I have to be strong for mom and the family. At least that’s what I have been told by the rest. Well, f*** the rest then. I am the youngest. I can cry if I want to. My father, my teacher, my mentor. Everything that I’ve always wanted to be. This just goes to show that you can never be sure about life. I’ve found myself writing in riddles. I seem to understand them better. Still I have to strength to look up in the heavens and say Thank You God. Thank You! Love, Lady 08-02-98 Dear Diary, “Give me words and I will write poetry for the stars.” It’s me again. Well. Jason got here safely, I think. Not a scratch on him. Well, nothing, but a few military scars. I’m glad he is back. I needed him here. Now that’s love. Sell almost everything to make it back here. I owe him one. He’s so gorgeous. Nothing has changed. Love is here today—to stay forever. “Give me lyrics and I will write you a song to end all songs.” It’s like this God; I am changing for better or for worse. My father will eventually die and my sadness rolls over into everything I do. I will do no more than feel how I want to feel. Feel how I need to feel and let God, my love (Jason), my family, and my friends think what they want to think. Sadness here to stay and tomorrow is another day of sorrow followed by love. How should I feel? That’s a good f****** question and as soon as I have an answer I’ll tell myself. “Give me rhythm and I shall dance the silent dance forever.” I’ll dance that dance in my dreams and in the daylight I’ll feel like me again. Oh, I guess that is how I’m suppose to feel. I guess I answered my own question again. Thank you God Love, Lady Sun drenched morning staring at the sky Blood washed dreams for my afternoon high Sounds of bullets pass my head God lay me down for I am dead Walking slowly Turning round I hit the floor As I fall down Blood washed floor In carpet of red Here I shall lie For now I am dead Love, Lady 09-01-98 Dear Diary, The drip-dry wheels of depression have landed here again to state a point. I am here now and that’s all that matters. My father is dying and I know that now. I’m just glad that I have friends that mean a lot to me. Even though Jason is not here I still have him with me. His loving hugs surround me and make me feel whole. Again I have to turn to him for help. I’ve realized that I am shivering; not shivering as much as twitching. I can’t really wrote for fear of watching my hands shake. 09-03-98 Dear Diary, I am here at the hospital. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. Ali drove me here and now I’m driving myself crazy. My mother needed some time off to relax from this whole thing. The stress is starting to get to her too. My nerves are shot, my brother is a heartless bastard, and this time I feel all alone. I am the last. Am I not to feel pain? My father called me over and asked me if a popsicle was melting on his legs cause it was making him cold. I can hear his morphine induced moans and there is nothing that I can do to help him feel better. I’ll pray, write, and wait. I never thought that this is the same man who raised me. The same man that told me that everything in life is possible if you just believe in God. The same man that put his hand in my bleeding heart and taught me that sometimes love hurts. Loving him now is hurting me. I never thought that he would end up like this. Cancer is eating him alive. What am I to do? He has to urinate in a bottle that I have to take to him. Sometimes he doesn’t know who I am. They put a needle in his arm to big for the vein and the vein blew. I think that they hate him here. A nurse told me that the hospice house is the place that people go to die. Silly me, I was hoping that he would get better. What the hell would I think something stupid like that for? Why would I ever want to hope and make it come true? I watch his labored breathing and I hope to keep hearing it. He’ll be ok right? Just as soon as the morphine wears off. Right God? Right? Yea—I’m in denial. I guess more or less I wish that it wasn’t my father. I need the shoulder now, Jason. Where are you? Where are you? Here I am just like you said trying to make new memories. I think I like the old ones better. As soon as I wrote this my father had an anxiety attack. So they come and give him more morphine. I’m starting to think that they want him to die. Mom and I pray everyday for the best and I can only see the worse. I’m scared—scared to feel—scared to lose him—scared. I just want to be dad’s little girl again and have him hug me and tell me that everything will be ok. Tomorrow is another day. Everyone has told me to be strong; well I’ve already failed. I cried, screamed, broke things and passed out in the hallway. Tomorrow is another day, but will that be for better or for worse? All I can do is hope for the best and let God take care of the rest. Mom gets sadder and I get sicker. How will the family survive through the grief? How will we exist through the pain? Will we still be one? Will Jason still love me? What about my life? I miss you Jason. I miss you. I just want to be held right now. I need love to surround me. Lord, forgive me. I know that I’m worthless. How can I change that? Jason, forgive me for not being as strong as I should be. Dear God, Please take care of my loving father. Wrap him in your arms and keep him safe. I know that your power will either make or break a person. Please give him a second chance at life. God please take care of mom. Ease her stress and take care of my angel in Korea. I know that it is a long way off and I can’t take care of you the way that I could before. Loneliness makes a good drinking buddy and I think that I want to join my soon to be husband in that thought. Just bring him back to me safely. Thank You God! Thank You! You are truly the one and only. Love, Lady 09-03-98 Dear Diary, Do you feel that? That’s God all around. Touching us and making us whole. One as a family in your light. My writings make me pure. Prayer makes me pure. Release. Freedom. Dad we are holding on to you for you. Not that you need that you are strong enough to hold on by your own. I see the light now. I see the light. I know that the suffering stops tonight. I feel it now. Either you are coming home as I write this or you are leaving for good. Just show me a sign of what you want. I think that you don’t want to suffer on this Earth any longer. I know that you don’t. God I’m glad for whatever happens. Thank you God Love, Lady 09-04-98 Dear Diary, There will be no pain today. Thank you God for everything you’ve done for the world. Touching this room and these wonderful people who are here tonight touching and praying for one of the most important people in my life, my father. These are the same people that will come together to pray for a long and happy marriage for Jason and I. Thank you God Love, Lady 09-05-98 Dear Diary, Something is wrong. No something is right for the first time. I had a vision of my father walking near me today. I know that it made me scream, but somehow it brought peace. Something that I haven’t felt in a long time. I understand now. I finally understand something. I understand that there is a life out there for me after all. I guess that is all that I needed to know. I have to tell my father of this, maybe tomorrow. Thank you God Love, Lady 09-06-98 Dear Diary, Today my father passed away of cancer at 11:54pm in San Jacinto Methodist Hospital –Hospice Division. I guess that there was no tomorrow. For anyone wondering what happened after that I will tell you this. I got married not to long after and moved to NY. Our family fell apart for a little while and was soon brought back together by our own strength. I wrote nothing for about 6 months after that. I have never written in that diary again. This is the first time that I have opened it and really thought about those bad times. Now a year later, I was told that I was pregnant on the day that my father passed away. Miracles do happen. You never know what could happen next. I believe in reincarnation. My child could be a boy or a girl that is just like my father. Thank you all for reading this. Love Always, Lady "Sometimes at night the wolves are silent and only the moon howls." |
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| © Copyright 1999 Vynette M. Charles-Brooks - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Justin Sayne Member
since 1999-10-09
Posts 53 |
Great story, Ladycat.......  [This message has been edited by Justin Sayne (edited 12-17-1999).] |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
This is a lovely story, Lady.... and there's certainly too much evidence to support the theory of reincarnation to discount it as superfluous.... I hope all goes as well as you wish..... |
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DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
I am glad that you found some peace in all that you endured. I needs must rely on more flowery phrasings to continue this reply dear Lady. I for one, am astounded by the strength of purpose and will you possess. I know but few of your trials, though what I know is enough to wish you and yours the brightest of futures. Thank you for such a profoundly moving piece to read and for your friendship. Now and forever, my heart hears ~one voice~. DreamEvil© ------------------------------------------------------- "Either kill me or take me as I am, because I'll be damned if I ever change..." Count Donatien Alphonse Francois de Sade (Marquis de Sade) |
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Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida |
I thank God for you, Kitty...and thank God for your Angels, the ones on earth and in Heaven. (hugs) my friend May I never be too busy to help another's load, Then I'll be drinking from the saucer 'cause my cup has overflowed. --Author Unknown |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
One word: WOW! This is powerful LadyCat! |
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Ladycat
since 1999-07-05
Posts 782At the edge and a doorway,TX |
I thank you all for reading and understanding that this was a hard thing for me to do. I do above all want people to remember that family is the only thing that we have in this world; love them while they are still here. I miss my father and even more when I hear the song "Living Years". I just hope that I remembered to tell him everything and I hope that he too understands. Once again, Thank You All!! Love, Lady |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Indeed, this look into your soul is wonderful. I like it very much. Your father must have been a wonderful man to have raised such a sweet loving child as you. I know he's watching you from Heaven, awaiting the birth of his grandchild!  |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
Ladycat, you are most welcome...and thank you for coming back to your family of friends after such a long time without internet access. And thank you for finally posting this...I know it's been brewing in your heart for over a year now. You and Darquewing will always be dear friends of mine, though the distant miles, at present, keep us separate. Unca Alicat As I sit here dimly thinking Watching modem lights a-blinking Churning out poetic hash. Lord, in all Your piety, Help me keep my sanity: Please don't let the modem crash! --Alicat |
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