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Lost...Rant.
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Lost...Rant. |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
I have been looking for a way to put my feelings into poetry this evening. I have failed miserably. How do you learn how to love again? Am I stone cold? It has been a few years since I have felt a warm, caring emotion towards anyone (with exception of my children and family). There is a man who really likes me and enjoys my company. He tells me that he loves me and I feel nothing. I enjoy the attention and honestly, I have never been treated better then he has treated me. There is still something missing. I do not crave his presence nor do I miis him terribly when he is not here. Is it that I do not know how to care anymore? Is it that I have become to intellectual to have heart felt emotions? I feel the loneliness, I can cry and I can laugh but can I love? I long for everything he is trying to be for me yet he isn't what my heart craves. What is the matter with me? OOOOOHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Can anyone help me understand?!? |
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| © Copyright 1999 Marilyn - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
Marilyn, I honestly don't know what to tell you. I was in a simialar situation, except that when he fell for me, I fell back for him.....  I hope everything works out OK ------------------ "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage." -Billy Corgan- |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
Wish I could tell you an... answer. Thinking while I just wrote that something came to me. You are looking for your writing as a release. Like alot of us who write. I did it for years. Fifteen years to be exact. I'm not proud of the time I wasted by not being creatively constructive. But proud of being honest, now with you. I've never been as happy with myself because my writing has taken off, and getting so wonderful everyday. Yet my wife isn't! She finds herself alone because I'm always writing, right into the night. She liked me more when I was confused, but that's a lie she putting out. Because she was upset with me because I couldn't make anything out of what writing I was doing. See you can't win in life. I know the confusion you are going threw. Really I do. I'll tell you my secret that made everything change for me. After being married three times I'd say I've had my own confusion a time or two. It's hard. I know. Worse thing you can do is to ponder on what is missing and not to remember to love yourself. Because not loving yourself makes it impossible to ever be happy no matter how much you think you need someone else. Back to my secret that makes writing work. After messing with it for so many years and to suddenly have amazing things fall into place. I found the secret. And it's wasn't what everyone has been saying or writing about. Not trying! Is the answer! Write what comes into you mind and don't think. Write about how a bird walks, or how a turtle is most certainly not a dove. Stay away from writing about youself or anything you know. The world will change. It did for me. I hope it will for you. I hope this helps. Your fellow writer and friend. |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
My sympathies, and I'm with sys...I can't handle my own life...so I certainly can't help other's with theirs! |
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Watcher666 Senior Member
since 1999-10-13
Posts 1606 |
I agree with Merlynh on tis.You first.Love yourself for you,then you'll be able to love another. *Hugs* Good Luck. ------------------ Illusion...what we see and what we do...it's all up to you. |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
(This is for you Marilyn because your special) How does a bird walk, or a turtle most certainly not a dove?. The most amazing ideas might just wonder in... She watched as he looked around, head moving first, jumping forward with a jerk. And she saw his friends join right in, as they did their little dancing walk toward the sprinkler. She could never imaged, even a turtle more at home-- after never having been-- in just that little water as them. Showing her that they really loved themselves, those silly little birds. She thought what happiness a litte water can bring. Such a simple whim life can bring. It was the little things that mattered then, and now she would look for them, she thought, walking and reasoning. Not her husband or kids with their seemingly misdeeds but those little wonderful things, that hide away far from normal things. Which could be joy where disapoint would always wonder silently in before. No more dispointment of what life had given, just that sprinkler deep within. "I love myself!" she screamed, "World! You better look out!." Her family ran out after hearing her scream and awfully concerned because they didn't know where she had been. "I just walked down to the park and watched what the sprinkler could bring in." she said smiling as if winning a prize. And perhaps she did. Copywrited 1999 by Marilyn |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
The only advice I can give is, you will love again when you are ready: your heart will know when it's time, and no act of God or man will move you to love before then. Until then, concentrate on loving your family and yourself -- the rest will come, in time. --K. ------------------ You cannot choose the way of your death, but the path you choose will determine its own end. |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
I spent 17 years in an abusive marriage and probaly 14 years of that loving no one else but my children, not even myself...and if anything, hating myself, blaming myself. I thought myself incapable of ever feeling love again after all those years, thinking my heart would never heal. Thinking I could never trust again. You will heal Marilyn, sometimes it takes much longer than you believe, but all wounds, even the internal kind, heal with time. Healing is a slow process and one we can't rush. Maybe this person just isn't the right one yet. Maybe you will meet the right one tomorrow and it will be love at first sight. Who's to say? Trust your heart and follow where it leads  God Bless. Hugs Ruth |
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DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
Sounds like you suffered emotional backlash and your feelings have deadened to prevent further pain. Time healing all wounds aside for now, you should at least tell him how you feel or rather do not feel about the situation and him. To do otherwise would be unnecessarily cruel to you both. 'Tis but my opinion. ------------------ Now and forever, my heart hears ~one voice~. DreamEvil© |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Thankyou all for your kind words. Merlyn...loving myself isn't the problem. I really do love who I am and I love my life. I enjoy every aspect of my life even the hard ones. What I don't understand is the deadness in my heart towards men. Hoot....I am sure that you are right. It just really baffles me that everything that I thought I wanted in a man is right in front of me and I can not love him. The sight of him doesn't stir my heart nor my soul. Dream...I have always been totally honest with him. I would never be purposefully decitful and hurt someone. I care for him and would never want to see anything happen to him. I just do not love him the way I would like to or the way he wants me too. He tells me that he loves me and misses me. My reply is I miss you too. I have never lied to him, I want to love. I'm not sure if I know how. |
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Richard 33 Member
since 1999-09-09
Posts 187glen easton, wv usa |
Just remember it takes time, ever heard the phrase, one day at a time? XOXOXOXOXO |
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JennyLee Senior Member
since 1999-09-01
Posts 1461Northwestern, NJ. |
[[[[[hugs]]]]]] Jenny |
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