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Why I Write(A self reflection)
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Why I Write(A self reflection) |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA 
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I have been asked many times why I write, what inspires me. So, with a bit of self reflection, I have come up with this answer. I spent 17 years with an abusive husband. Always thinking if I could just do better, be a better wife, that things would change. He refused to give me any of himself and cared not to know me. I spent 17 years with a stranger in all realities. I would have left years ago had I had a way to support myself and two young kids. I went back to school after they started school. College 9 years our of high school, worked my butt off, graduated with honors and secured a good job. I thought the time had come when I could actually get things together, leave and have a life for myself and my boys. As always, life threw a money wrench into the system and my husband became very ill and was fired from his job. Mind you, he puts on a very good show in public and people think he is a wonderful man. I never told anyone, not even my family the way he treated me or the kids. As they say, "Pride goeth before the fall," and I learned that lesson well. I couldn't leave him. I would have looked like a wife running away from a "nice" sick husband. It came to the point where he needed a kidney and pancreas transplant. Pancreases are easy to come by, a dime a dozen if you will, but kidneys on the other hand take 4 years, sometimes more. I knew I could not stay in that relationship for another four years. I was dying inside. Simply existing, going through the motions, but never living. I had given up writing for over 13 years; it was easier to not feel than to feel the hurt. For me to write, I have to bring so many emotions, I couldn't deal with right then, to the surface. That, coupled with the fact that he ridiculed me early in my marriage every time I wrote anything calling my writing stupid, kept me from writing at all. When he went to be evaluated for the kidney and pancreas transplant, they asked me if I would be tested for a possible donor and I agreed. I was enough of a match to donate. I donated one of my kidneys to him, nursed him back to health and then packed a bag and left...never looking back. I wish I could say I did what I did from the goodness of my heart, but I didn't. I did it out of desperation. Gave a part of myself to get my life and myself back. I didn't see any other choice at the time. The physical scars have healed, the emotional ones well on their way, but they take a bit more time. You ask why I write...to me writing is a symbol of my freedom, a right I have earned, and a reflection of my life, serving as a reminder of where I have been and never wish to return. ------------------ "Nobody has measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold" ~Zelda Fitzgerald [This message has been edited by hoot_owl_rn (edited 08-25-99).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Ruth Kephart - All Rights Reserved | |||
Saxoness
since 1999-07-18
Posts 1102Texas |
This is perhaps the best and most compelling thing I've ever read on this site. It would be a priveledge to know you. I write, because I have a whole world inside me, full of dreams and hopes and childish fantasies, that my first kiss will be by a wonderful white night. That world also holds pain, pain of lonesomeness, of social neglect, of never quite fitting in. It also holds the new thoughts and feelings of the woman I'm becoming, of finally hearing what my heart has been trying to tell me for 19 years....that my white night is still out there, somewhere. I don't want you to forget that, no matter what life has in store. Bravo, my friend. ------------------ "Glory remains unaware of my neglected dwelling where alone I sing my tearful song which has charms only for me." -Charles Brugnot |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Saxoness...this is perhaps the most heart felt reply I have ever recieved. It brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face at the same time. Thank you very much!! ------------------ "Nobody has measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold" ~Zelda Fitzgerald |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Your story goes well beyond the give and take of marriage. You just gave and gave some more. In your instance, "taking" anything from him was a pain indeed. I don't condone divorce. I divorced. I believe all mothers should stay home with their kids. I've always worked. We do the best we can, and then we do some more. You are an inspiration, dear lady, and I know in my heart He will smile upon you, if not now, then. I eagerly await even more of your art. ------------------ Sunshine Words will always express our feelings true. ~~~ KRJ Look, then, into thine heart, and write ~~~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Sunshine, thank you very much. I have made my share of mistakes in my life, but I have always tried to give all I can. I'm looking for no rewards, only peace. |
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Saxoness
since 1999-07-18
Posts 1102Texas |
It is an honor, my friend, to read such a heartfelt piece. We should all be as strong as you. ------------------ "Glory remains unaware of my neglected dwelling where alone I sing my tearful song which has charms only for me." -Charles Brugnot |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
You, my dear, make my reasons for writing seem trite and unworthy. I don't believe I could ever muster the heart to be as courageous as you, when you made your stand to leave. I don't see you as running away, but rather as running toward life. There is a difference. And I can tell that even if you don't recognize it conciously, your heart believes in that hope. Write on sister, let nothing stop you from living your life, it is yours to do with as you wish. Because you are the only person who has to wake up each morning, look at yourself in the mirror, and be all right with who you see staring back at you. ------------------ I believe in the sand beneath my toes. The beach gives a feeling, an earthy feeling. I believe in the faith that grows. -Stephan Jenkins- |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Christopher...all I can say is thank you. |
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WhtDove Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245Illinois |
I can't find the words to say what I feel! I can relate to the abuse, I was in that situation. You have moved beyond, done things that leave me in awe! You are a strong person to stand up and go on! I give you a lot of credit, knowing that was not easy! I hope hoot_owl that you find the peace that you search for! You richly deserve it! God Bless you in the things you search to achieve, and in your writing!!! |
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Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida |
The first few times I read this, I was speechless. I mirror everything the others have said, you are an incredible inspiration. Thank you dearly for posting this. ------------------ "Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with." *Mark Twain* |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Satiate and Whtdove...thank you both for your kind words, and dove....I have often viewed a white dove as my freedom symbol and have refered to it in several of my pieces of poetry ------------------ "Nobody has measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold" ~Zelda Fitzgerald |
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WhtDove Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245Illinois |
I agree hoot_owl. The dove is a sign of peace. It takes me to the place in the Bible where the Spirit ascended in the form of a dove when Jesus was being baptized. It symbolizes purity, peace and love! That is why I chose that name! |
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