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Sanitarium part I
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Sanitarium part I |
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Shadowdean Junior Member
since 2001-06-11
Posts 11Silver Spring, MD |
Locked inside a crashing cell, I've seen my world thunder down to hell. I wonder if it's safe to breath, wondering who's next to leave. Images inside my mind, voices outside remind me I am blind. But I see the world in true color, not the twisted vision they try to show. I know the truth and damn it I will fight, I will make them feel my plight. My friends have all crept away, I sit and tremble - won't they stay? Revolution sparks within the air, blood boils - it is near. Kill, it is my expression now, destroy - I will crash down the walls that hold me down. Nervous gitters are setting in, I sweat cold blood and yesterdays urine. Poking and needles, are all vague imagery, I don't know now...perhaps they are twisting me to their reality. I see vagueness in crystal light, I see now whom I must fight. Running threw the halls, only to find, each door slamming shut. Padded cells cushion the blow, This world is a place I no longer know. "Victory can be anticipated, but not assured" |
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| © Copyright 2001 Joshua Peters - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Death of Valor Junior Member
since 2000-06-09
Posts 20New Orleans |
I think the second line would be more effective if you took out "thunder." That would keep the rhythm better, as well as if you put in "who is" instead of "who's." "I know the truth and damn it I will fight," might be more powerful if you put "damn it" in parenthesis, maybe even with an exclaimation mark, as if a side note of frustration: "I know the truth and (damn it!) I will fight," You really pick up speed there, and it drew something out of me, but then the speaker's friends have gone and they're sitting and trembling -- not the defiant, brave figure we just saw. If you are making a contrast there, make it shorter, blunter, and much more obvious. "Nervous gitters" is redundant -- perhaps "Nervousness is setting in" (and after that line would be a perfect place for a simile: "like blue dogs in a field of cats" or whatever you want). "Running threw halls" = Running through halls. Again, the imagery is low because of vague images: "true color" and "not the twisted vision." What is the true version of the world and what do they show? It's abstract, and I need some harder images to make me *feel* it... The speaker seems to be swaying between defiance and defeat, very wishy-washy, but I don't know if that's intentional or not. I suggest "Love Song of (forgot his name)" by TS Eliot -- the speaker is like Hamlet, because they both can never decide on anything. The rocking back and forth of the speaker might help if you're trying to do that here. Kill me later - I deserve it - but for now just smile. (LJ Smith) [This message has been edited by Death of Valor (edited 06-17-2001).] |
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Shadowdean Junior Member
since 2001-06-11
Posts 11Silver Spring, MD |
Thank you very, very much..this is a 4 part series...and now in the process of revising..this will really help. "Victory can be anticipated, but not assured" |
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