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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Untitled |
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Death of Valor Junior Member
since 2000-06-09
Posts 20New Orleans |
Untitled I rejoice in everything familiar. A dead lightbulb slimy with old electricity; Thick cat fur that tickles the nostrils, relentless demon; Pitted asphalt that gets me where I need to go. I rejoice in what can be lost. Dark stains in pale carpet, my mother's bane. I rejoice in the dark rot of falling fences which provide no privacy, And condemn the pretentious firm cedar that replaces it. I rejoice in what has finally gone. Rosebushes overgrown, shadowing faded old graves; Holes in pink walls painted over with color too dark; Wooden doors thick for the fortress, now glass. Kill me later - I deserve it - but for now just smile. (LJ Smith) |
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Gypsy Junior Member
since 2001-06-15
Posts 20VA Coast |
I really enjoyed this poem...as for my own CA of it, I would only like to say that even though it is of a darker nature, I found a voice of simply being, without the need for perfection. Perhaps, a lesson as well. It flowed beautifully and the irony of it captured me. (However, you should think of a title, unless the "untitled" is intended. Otherwise, I feel this piece deserves a eye catching title.) Thank you for sharing.  |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Not bad, not bad at all. I rejoice in everything familiar. --you might try a stronger first line. This'll probably stop a lot of people; it doesn't grab, does it? A dead lightbulb slimy with old electricity; Thick cat fur that tickles the nostrils, --these are good. relentless demon; --but why do you fall back into a general comment on 'demons'? -- useless in terms of the content but necessary in terms of the structure. Pitted asphalt that gets me where I need to go. --and return to a powerful comment like this one? I rejoice in what can be lost. --not convinced that this repetition is necessary. I don't deny that it was probably the impetus for the whole poem in the first place but now that you've written the poem, is it still necessary. How about dropping it and seeing what happens? Dark stains in pale carpet, my mother's bane. --the switch to commentary is jarring. You don't do it in other places. Why here? You've got some good descriptions going, stick with them. This distracts. I rejoice in the dark rot of falling fences which provide no privacy, And condemn the pretentious firm cedar that replaces it. --Again, very nice. I rejoice in what has finally gone. --see above. Rosebushes overgrown, shadowing faded old graves; --what about expanding from this image rather than simply a random list? Holes in pink walls painted over with color too dark; --'with color too dark' is awkward. It seems to be a popular way of expressing things these days but I fear that this is just the modern/post-modern equivalent of trying to sound poetic. Stick to normal syntax and you'll have a more powerful line. Wooden doors thick for the fortress, now glass. --Yeah, I like the image and juxtaposition but, at some point, you've let your will to write a poem (and make it sound like a poem) take over the initial structure. Look at the difference between A dead lightbulb slimy with old electricity; Thick cat fur that tickles the nostrils, and Holes in pink walls painted over with color too dark; Wooden doors thick for the fortress, now glass. Still, I very much like the direction you're going here. I also would suggest that you make it longer. I think you have a lot to play with here. Just an opinion, Brad |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
I think Brad covered this pretty well, I will just add that I enjoyed this one alot especially the last line, my favourite image in the whole piece Wooden doors thick for the fortress, now glass. |
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