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Gypsy
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Gypsy |
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Elizabeth Cor Senior Member
since 2000-10-13
Posts 879Over the river and through the woods 
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Here's something else to rip to shreds ... I can't tell you what an improvement I've seen in my writing since I posted "goddess" here. This category has raised my expectations of myself and whatever I create... and the result is remarkable. SO, I'm pasting up a few more here (promise I won't do too many at once). And understand I'm not going to be contributing my own comments on other's works in THIS area... I just couldn't feel comfortable. (At least not yet ). Gosh, did I start rambling again? ...sheesh here's the poem already: Gypsy Rain swam through afternoon to the night of her hair: slick raven flutter as the brown happy feet (with beautiful curling toes) stamped out the aim of steps into dancing's clutter flight, flow the seesaw sway of her visible croon she is prancing the abandon of summer’s waning rich alchemy… charms resting on her arching fingertips I flay my aura-tongue in the rain to drink of her violent beauty This is divinity tasted, the sweet disturbance of a Tuesday... Upon the strange, impulsive monsoons of suburban Colorado this gift assails … startling the rainstorm to brilliance she ravages the air and luster falls Scarves promenade her neck in halo: the delirious smear of kaleidoscopes Go Go frantic goddess! You are the sweet pink apparatus of my water vision & the orgiastic language screaming from my sleepy tongue Tiny hand, slick with rainwater, encumbers tangibles with a twitch Splendor spills ‘neath raw soles over the sidewalk; footsteps paw concrete angelic The wind about her whines, dog begging at her heel SMASH! her hands applaud the measure And lightening answers, scraping its nails through the air Shaking honey from her shoulders, Gargantuan breasts bobandducking in brutal quivers, Thick waist tumult in sanguine rags, she shakes, shakes in her skin spreads her lips broad over her chancy teeth, their terrible white peeled naked underneath You spin your neck to watch her whirlwind unwind secrets -- I catch you; lips open in wish-wonder doubt -- and her invisible sexuality, caught in the camouflage of age. Do her hips glaze a sweet taste in your mouth? I watch too: zephyr hollowing spaces through lacy arms in pirouette (as the bracelets shook, shook with trumpet thunder) I scream, amazed, with the clouds pounding out her noise frenzy serenade for the glowing gypsy fire in the storm Philip I know you wanted to get your hands on this one, so do your worst  !~ Beth < !signature--> I hate quotations. Tell me what you know. [This message has been edited by Elizabeth Cor (edited 10-24-2000).] |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
whoa baby! may i now take this opportunity to say this is amazing. really. the imagery here is tremendous. i shall rip, as i must, this being CA, but i wish to first communicate my jealousy of you. ok... she is prancing the abandon of summer’s waning rich alchemy ok, excellent image, too many syllables. towards the end it seems a little percussive to me, a little bump in the flow you dont need. you have a couple other lines like this, long and a little disruptive to the flow. if you can notice them (if not i can name the ones i mean later) try to take out words like "the" or prepositions, or sometimes, as in here, i think maybe only one modifier of alchemy would be smoother. Go Go frantic goddess! sad to say, when i read this all i had to think go go gadget goddess. sorry. it might jsut be me. but its something to think about. Gargantuan breasts bobandducking in brutal quivers, hey, its cool that you've created your own action verb and all but...i think it speaks a little of the absurd. its a definite mood breaker. and even when i look closer and see that you just strung three words together (duh elyse!) i hafta stick with the mood breaker thing. sorry. also, i assumed a masculine speaker, so the part at the end threw me off a bit. im actually not to sure about these two lines I catch you; lips open in wish-wonder doubt -- and her invisible sexuality, caught in the camouflage of age. i cant say why. seems maybe...um...a bit random? but no, its not that. i obvoiously am not going to be able to think of my why, ill just throw it out there for ya. so, to sum up, amazing, amazing job. truly. i really cant encompass how impressed by you i am. thanx for the read luv Elyse ps. did you think you, talented poet, are going to get out of commenting that easily? who would not welcome the opinions of the gifted. silly girl. besides, we have ways (big sticks) of making you comply |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
quote: ROFL! Sorry Beth - that's exactly what I thought!!! LOL Elyse!  Back more for later!C Oh - and since this is CA - can I tell you it's "shreds" not "shreAds?"  [This message has been edited by Christopher (edited 10-23-2000).] |
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Elizabeth Cor Senior Member
since 2000-10-13
Posts 879Over the river and through the woods |
OMG!!!  Now I'll never get that image out of my mind! The gadget line has got to go now. More later, when I'm a little less red... ~ a very embarrassed Beth Okay, here's the small bits I have so far: Scarves promenade her neck in halo: the delirious smear of kaleidoscopes Now, now frantic goddess! You are the sweet pink apparatus of my water vision & the orgiastic language screaming from my sleepy tongue AND Shaking honey from her shoulders Gargantuan breasts surge in brutal quivers, Thick waist tumult in sanguine rags, she shakes, shakes in her skin spreads her lips broad over her chancy teeth, their terrible white peeled naked underneath I'll edit the entire poem some later time, but these were the minor yet major revisions I wanted to slip in before I leave. ~ A less embarrassed Beth [This message has been edited by Elizabeth Cor (edited 10-24-2000).] |
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Joe Houck Member
since 2001-04-23
Posts 324california |
I didn't really read this poem. I just think your picture is pretty hot.... *JOE* |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey Beth, It's good to see you back. Been too long. But Elyse is right, you can't just slip out without commenting on some other works. We all need a little help, whenever we can get it. Pete P.S. Joe is right, your picture is HOT  |
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coyote Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 1077 |
"You are the sweet pink apparatus of my water vision & the orgiastic language screaming from my sleepy tongue" Elizabeth, I loved this line, and am glad you didn't change it. This is a solid image of the mystical female gypsy persona. The embodiment of carnal lust and tribal motherhood combined. Thanks. |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i have to agree with the changing of "go, go frantic goddess" but i don't really think that "now, now frantic goddess" is much better. i think it's probably the sudden, direct appeal to her when before you've more or less just been an observer. "gargantuan breasts" seem possibly too "fun" for this poem. gargantuan is just a silly word, it can't help itself. otherwise, this poem is pretty solid with lots of good imagery. |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
Elizabeth what can i say. There are some absoultely stunning images in this poem. Some of my fav's are "she is prancing the abandon of summer’s waning rich alchemy… charms resting on her arching fingertips I flay my aura-tongue in the rain to drink of her violent beauty" This is amazing. I mean the alchemy the aura tounge the violent beauty wow wow wow And lightening answers, scraping its nails through the air This is another line that jumps off the page screaming with orginality a very good start to a very good poem. I do agree with the comments the others have made about some of the lines. If you take out or re-write bits of this poem it will definitely have more impact. this poem is a storm........... thank you for posting [This message has been edited by Tony Di Bart (edited 05-02-2001).] |
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Elizabeth Cor Senior Member
since 2000-10-13
Posts 879Over the river and through the woods |
I didn't slip back in -- this is my second post in CA bumped by "JOE" -- but thank you for the chastisement. Frankly, I've been avoiding this place like the plague. Hey, Joe, I have some other pictures, but you have to pay $2.99 a pop for those. I agree, I am hot... or maybe that's just the candles. [This message has been edited by Elizabeth Cor (edited 05-07-2001).] |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
great imagery but I felt too many modifiers and prepositional phrases in this. I also thought the line breaks were way out there....but as I said, the imagery and expression is near amazing. Kathleen Blake |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
ARGH!!! I was going to come in and rip this to shreds -- just cause it was yours -- but then I noticed that this was OLD to the point of being PAST the freshness date and therefore a little overripe for critique ... sigh. And I was SO looking forward to it.  But just for the record, the opening line of my critique would have been: "My dear, I think you have been hanging about with Christopher too long." Which is odd, considering that you wrote this long before you had a chance to hang about him at all, no? Hmmm ... I dunno, kindred spirits? Anyway, this was awesome (as usual), if a bit verbose for my taste. Just too old for a play-by-play. Linda |
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Joricho Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 56Australia |
This is my first post - I was waiting for a poem I really appreciated, and this is it! A torrent of description - great. My one comment was similar to others' - maybe there's just too much language to catch a clear view of what you are "seeing". I liked your re-writes. keep scrawling! Jo  |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Oh yeah ... I forgot to add, you ARE hot, Beth! |
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Elizabeth Cor Senior Member
since 2000-10-13
Posts 879Over the river and through the woods |
Thanks to those who added their comments to this 'stale' topic. *sigh* Funny how one can post something and think the poem is amazing at the time it's written, then come back at a later date and just cringe. Oh, the things I would do if this were someone else's post. Sorry to disappoint all the eager little critics that thought they had a fresh piece to devour; but I am just full of disappointments. Btw, Linda? You’ll like this… I remember the reply C made, but until this was bumped, didn’t know for a second that it had been him. The reason I remember it so clearly: first I was fairly humiliated at the Go Go Gadget comments, and secondly I thought after reading his post “Omg, what a jerk.” LOL! …I was right, but that's okay, he's hot too. (If you want proof, THOSE pictures are $4.59... but we don't take Discover.) [This message has been edited by Elizabeth Cor (edited 05-07-2001).] |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
I know what you mean about coming back to old stuff later that seemed so "WOW" then and is so "ow!" now ... pretty much ALL of the stuff I've posted here falls under that category ... LOL And ... um, I think you can keep your photographic evidence ... some of the pics that have been featured on Chris' posts were QUITE enough for me! Linda |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Well I am completely stunned, I know this is Crit but I got to go with everyone else I have always admired your writing style. My only issue is that there is too much to take in for one reading which means lazy old me is forced to read over and over again until my brain catchs up. Remember to be gentle nad consider us slow of thought next time. "across the unfair divide |
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