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From Eureka
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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From Eureka |
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Joricho Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 56Australia |
This is a tentative first draft - I'm particularly struggling with the rhythm - all suggestions gratefully received. btw Eureka is a place! From Eureka Driving at first light we see the whole valley, quiet under cultivation. Light rises from long paddocks, a tractor waits patiently, ibis wade in flocks through the grass. Neat rows of macadamia countour every hill: busy above them, small birds swoop and murmur. Here, for just one moment the old curse seems silent: every dog joyful by its own master, every fence mended. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Joricho - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kurt Rhys Junior Member
since 2001-05-08
Posts 23 |
Nothing wrong with the rhythm that I can see.I don't think it needs fixing. Leave it alone. You are better than you think. |
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Joricho Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 56Australia |
thanks, Kurt, very encouraging - but I'll be surprised if no-one else can find improvements! (where are you, Brad?!) Jo Many waters cannot quench love, |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Hi Joricho, well I really enjoyed the piece overall. Some really nice images "ibis wade in flocks through the grass. Neat rows of macadamia" I loved those two lines. If i was to pick out one piece it would be "every dog joyful by its own master", I don't think the word joyful fits in with the piece. I don't know why but for me it does not work. Imagining the whole poem there is a relaxed atmosphere an almost dusk feel to the poem. "every dog lamenting by its master" "Every dog in deep devotion to its own master" Also the repeat of "every" in the last two lines. "All fences mended" or any other word to "every" would get rid of the repetition. Other than those two small things I really enjoyed the read. "across the unfair divide |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
hey jo-- i thought this was quite lovely! "eden rediscovered, paradise regained" is how i might sum it up, although that doesn't do justice to your beautiful images and rich use of details at all, does it? lol anyway, i hear subtle biblical echoes here. very well done! you say you're struggling with the rhythm, though i wouldn't know it by reading this; i think it reads very smoothly. my only thoughts on rhythm here are as follows: the second to last line feels a bit too "long," i'd think about deleting the word "own" and going with "Every dog joyful by its master" or "Every dog joyful near its master". (i really like the word "joyful" in there, btw, i think it's quite appropriate. i also like the repetition of "every" in the last two lines.) the last line feels short to me; i think you need to lengthen this a bit (but DEFINITELY keep the idea of the fences having been mended, though i suspect you know that, lol). the only other line i'd take a closer look at in revision is the ibis line. i've gone back and forth on it, and my thoughts here are a little harder for me to articulate here; it's a feeling, i guess, but, to me, the words "through the grass" seem a bit rushed at the end of that line. maybe delete the article and insert a two-syllable adjective before grass? "Ibis wade in flocks through dewy grass." i don't know, not THAT, obviously, but something to slow it down, anyway. these are really small crits in what is, overall, a very beautiful piece. thanks for posting this for us! this was a very enjoyable read. jenni |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I thought the sound was good. Very nice overall, here are my suggestions: 1)tell us what kind of small birds 2)is "every dog joyful by its own master" something I have heard before? It seems like a cliche I've heard, but I'm not sure--if it is original then leave it. If not, delete it. 3)I like repetition for emphasis "every" "every Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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Joricho Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 56Australia |
Thanks all for your suggestions, very helpful! Jenni, you're right about the eden idea - basically I was reflecting on the biblical idea of "dominion" - that somehow humans can relate to the world in a hierarchical but not abusive way... and that co-incided with a visit to one of the most beautiful places I've ever been! Technical stuff very helpful, thanks - Jenni and Kirk, I think you're right about the 2 last lines and the ibis line. I think I'll lose the "own". Maybe "speckled grass" - I'm trying to remember what it looked like! btw, does anyone know if the plural of ibis is actually "ibi"? Because that is a WEIRD word, and I don't want it in my poem!! JO Many waters cannot quench love, |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
jo-- "ibis wade in flocks through speckled grass"  i like it! "dappled" might be nice, too, with the morning sun slanting through the trees. you might have a nice play on words there too, with an "apple" sound subtly hidden in the middle of the eden you're describing, or, alternatively, with the notion that this place is in some sense "de-apple'd," but a paradise nonetheless, lol. i know, i'm strange, lol. my dictionary has the plural of ibis as "ibis or ibises", btw. jenni |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
My dictionary has the same plural forms as jenni's. I really like her suggestion of "dappled" instead of speckled Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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Joricho Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 56Australia |
I've made a few changes to this - took your suggestion about "dappled". In the end, the thing that really grated with me was the second line - the "we see..." beginning seemed wrong. So now it says: "Driving at first light, the whole valley stretches out quiet under cultivation." I think I prefer that. Thanks for the info about ibis - I'm relieved! |
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