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I Want You To Know (please reply, this is important)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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I Want You To Know (please reply, this is important) |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA 
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* sorry everyone that I haven't posted anything or replied to other poems for a month now, I have been very busy at work and at university. But, I am glad that I am back now. * The reason why I asked for people to reply to this poem is because I wrote this poem as a gift to my Mom and her three siblings. My Grandma died a few years ago, and my whole family is still suffering from the loss of her. I was very close to my Grandma, and she will be happy, up in heaven,I am sure, that I really did pay attention to her stories and her feelings about my Mom and my Aunts and Uncle. I wrote this poem for them, just to help them to heal and to remember the good things about my Grandma. My Mom has only read a few lines, and even at that, she has cried. But, before, I give this poem to them, I need opinions, is is good? I wrote most of this poem in a free-verse style, because I want it sound like my Grandma is talking to them. I respect all of your opinions, and most of the poets in here are very talented and never cease to amaze me. Thanks for your time. I WANT YOU TO KNOW My dear, Debbie, my first born, the most beautiful baby girl that I have ever laid eyes upon, you grew into an extraordinary woman. Whenever you read Winnie The Pooh, think of me and you, when you were once the young little girl with auburn hair, in my arms, my little Debbo, forever loving you. I Want you to know, Jennifer, my second child, that your humour and your spirit brought tears of joy to my once tired old eyes, and filled my empty walls with laughter. Thank you for my Jason, my second grandchild. I have found in you a daughter and a forever friend; I will always be your Mrs. Beautiful, my fiery Jen-Jen. You must know, Laura, my third baby girl. that altough I rarely told you in life, I am so very proud of you, and of what you have become. You grew into a beautiful, intelligent woman. You gave me my first grandchild, my Melissa. And, when the rain falls softly upon your sweet face, it is a proud mother's tears from heaven, for you, my Laurie Dorie. I need for you to know, Christopher, my last child, you were the miracle that I had hoped for; my precious baby boy with blonde hair and dancing blue eyes. You gave me Brittany, my last grandchild. Know that I am proud of your creativity, your intelligence and your lively spirit, always, my little Chrissy. I know that you miss me, but, please dry your eyes, for, I am not gone. I am the cool breeze on a fresh Spring day, I am a glorious rainbow at the end of a storm, I am a beautiful sunset with colours devine, and the waking sunrise, greeting you in early morn. I am the golden rays of light that fall from the heavens, and the soft laughter that prances in the wind; I am a fragrant rose, of scarlet red, and the beautiful visions that dance in a poet's head. For, I will never leave you, my children. Death ends a life on earth, but, not a relationship, you will always be mine, and I, yours, forevermore. You have the memories in your mind's eye to keep me alive, to keep me close to you, inside your heart. I know that you miss me, but, please dry your eyes. Realize that I am finally home, this, I want you to know. Love, Mum (Phyllis) xoxoxo By Melissa Honeybee |
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| © Copyright 2000 Melissa P. Long-Monette - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Melissa, This was a true work of the heart. It brought tears to my eyes, and memories of my gramma to my mind. A lovely, touching poem, I'm sure your grandmother is very proud of you. Beautiful, Melissa, beautiful. warmhrt |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
A poem such as this, a heart felt work, cannot easily be edited or revised...and I would ask you not to even think of it. There are somethings that mean too much, say too much, and ultimitaly read beyond words... I would have given anything to have a poem like this written for me when my Grandma passed on...if you have captured her spirit...which it seems you have...the poem is perfect... Hawk |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
warmhrt and hawk are absolutely right. who was the greatest poet who ever lived? shakespeare? keats? eliot? it doesn't matter who, none of them could write THIS poem as well as you. it is heartfelt, lovely and extremely touching, and shows the depth of your own love every bit as much as it shows your grandmother's. don't change a word, dear, don't change a single word. and, please, show it to them all right away. thank you for sharing this with us, and welcome back. jenni |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA |
First of all, thank you for taking the time to read my message and my poem. Warmhrt, Hawk 183 and Jenni, thank you so much for the support and the kind words, it really does mean a lot to me. Wow, Jenni, you certainly gave me to best compliment! I hope that my Grandma is proud. I wrote a short story about my relationship with her, but, it's not a poem, so I can't post it, but, maybe I could post it in the prose forum. Would anyone like to see it? Let me know, and then I will post in in that forum, so you can read it. And, yes, I will definately show this poem to my family as soon as I can, I just wanted to ask your opinions first. Melissa Honeybee  |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, you have a typo with 'altough'; I would change 'colours divine' to 'divine colours'; and I question some of your punctuation -- don't think you need that many commas. However, given these minor points, I have to go with Jenny on this one. You share a part of your life and family in a clear and distinctive voice (the free verse works very well). The use of the names and the calm style of this makes it a work of integrity and elegance. Thanks for sharing, Brad |
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mauddib Member
since 2002-01-12
Posts 119melbourne australia |
Your heart is hungry the hollow ache seeps from the page as if your tribute was inadequate too small But its far from the truth Your tribute stands best on a smile that remembers |
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Krawdad Member Elite
since 2001-01-03
Posts 2597 |
Thought you might be interested in this, as it relates to what you have done. This was written for the family of my brother. (I think that every poet desires to write the 'imortality' poem.) Hope your family appreciates your effort. /pip/Forum53/HTML/000992.html "As soon as the generals and the politicos can predict the motions of your mind, lose it." Wendell Berry |
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