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Heart Attack
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Heart Attack |
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Midnight Junior Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 28 |
A Sonnet. The hospital, oh, a terrible place! With sterile halls that are reeking of death. To see a loved one in such a disgrace, Needing transfusions and struggling for breath, ‘Tis nearly more than sanity can stand! You’ve tubes in your throat, and more up your nose. To see grow infirm, a wonderful man- It makes you wonder where time really goes. Not too long ago, I sat on you lap Wide-eyed and trusting, as you read to me. It’s so amazing how much life has sapped Out of your youth, and your vitality. But I’ll pray you some strength, Grandpa, fight back! Please do not give in to this heart attack! For my Grandfather, who had a heart attack during the night of Jan. 4th. Suggestions on a more eye catching title, if anyone has one, would be great. [This message has been edited by Midnight (edited 01-07-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Midnight - All Rights Reserved | |||
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
welcome to the forum, and may i say that i am terribly sorry to hear about your grandfather. about the poem: you will soon find that i have nothing to offer in critiqueing format, so i can't tell you if this is a good "sonnet" or not. i think that the poem itself is good though. the only thing that i would work on is, to possibly try to make the scene more grave. it has almost a sort of levity about it. also, i think that it would do well to add more imagery. otherwise, good poem, with some pretty clear emotions. hope to see some more of your work. |
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Kenneth Ray Taylor Member
since 1999-11-11
Posts 139Duluth, Minnesota, USA |
A good poem. It captures the atmosphere of a hospital nicely. It's refreshing to see a sonnet about an every day topic. Sonnet writers often trip over themselves trying to be profound. There's a typo in line 9--the word "you" when you meant "your"--an easy mistake that I make all the time. As for a title, I'd suggest: dis·com·fi·ture (d¹s-k¾m“f¹-ch‹r”, -ch…r) n. 1. Frustration or disappointment. 2. Lack of ease; perplexity and embarrassment. 3. Archaic. Defeat. [This message has been edited by Kenneth Ray Taylor (edited 01-08-2000).] |
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
Welcome, Midnight. The thoughts and feelings are well stated, but Roxane is right. It trips along too merrily. The trick to getting a slower, more sombre pace would be to write it in iambs and spondees. Avoid the triple feet. This is a good place to learn, they're all very friendly and kind. I've had a couple of heart attacks, and,yes, they're pretty scary. All the best to Grandpa. |
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Midnight Junior Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 28 |
Thanks everyone, for the suggestions. (and Kenneth, for pointing out the typo) Um, John, what is a spondee, though? I've no idea  Just so everyone knows, the reason I made this more of an upbeat poem, was to show that while things are bad right now, there is hope for recovery. Also, the begginning goes a bit faster because I'm trying to show frustration and anger of seeing someone in the hosppital, not the depression of it. And that a good thing to do with all the excess energy is to channel it all into prayer and hope. |
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
Just another foot, Midnight. The rhythmic meter in a line of poetry can be broken into units called feet, consisting of one or more syllables in stress patterns. Some common ones are: Iamb : da-DUM Trochee : DUM-da Anapaest : da-da-DUM Dactyl : DUM-da-da Spondee : DUM-DUM Very useful for working out how and why a poem works. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, I would argue for a little more subtlety in this piece. From the first line, I kind of felt I knew where you were going -- there was no shock, no "wait, you're writing about this" feeling. I would reconsider the exclamation points and that 'oh' in the first line. Dylan Thomas (we all know which poem I'm talking about) might be a good example as a model for some of the methods to portray the feelings you want to. Thanks for participating in this and the Philosophy forum, Keep it up, Brad |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
roxane, i think the intention here is to avoid the "grave", no? best wishes for your grandfather, midnight, hope he pulls through. jenni |
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