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Good-Bye (not as hokey as it seems)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Good-Bye (not as hokey as it seems) |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
I added the ( )'s so this one wouldn't be overlooked because of the title. Hope it's worth your time. Thoughts, words, deeds, and actions; What is usually embraced is by none forgotten. But all the pressures and all the pains, Give way to peace some sweet day... If we're lucky enough to see it. I once was lost, but now I'm found, Don't change much, I'm still not around. I'm stuck here in the doldrums deep inside; A better place to lay down and die... And if that's what I need, then I need it. And no sweet lipped lovers, nor tender friends, Nothing can make a broken heart mend. But it's not a heart, it's a broken soul, Bashed to pieces, and growing cold. But I swear this time I won't get high. Truth and honor, conviction and conspiracy, Love and life, kindness and soft mercies. I've had them once, but lost them all, Found no bottom when I started the fall... And now these fractured wings won't fly. I'll break out of this prison myself, All alone, don't need your help. I'll summon the strength to climb this wall, A step's too much I'll start with a crawl... 'Cause I can't get off my knees. But don't lose yourself like your fathers did, Don't sell yourself to a richer pig. Hold on to night, embrace the day, They're very similar in different ways... Keep your spirit, keep your dreams. J.L.H. < !signature--> Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg [This message has been edited by J.L. Humphres (edited 01-07-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jason L. Humphres - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
Jl... This is a wonderful poem...both in content and form. "But I swear this time I won't get high..." I like this...  It seems to show the constant cycle that occurs...the lessons we learn from our past...our steps to face our problems in new way.(sometimes 12 of them  )The second to last line of the last stanza, although a blatent oxymoron, has some kind of strange logic that makes it work...I had to think about it for a while(but that is the best part). Great piece...as always. Hawk [This message has been edited by Hawk183 (edited 01-07-2000).] |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
j.- let me say that a poem posted here is always worth my time. this poem has some very good parts to it.And no sweet lipped lovers, nor tender friends, Nothing can make a broken heart mend. i like this a lot. especially the "tender friends". you can feel a sort of resigned hopelessness, but it works here, and it's very good. I'll summon the strength to climb this wall, A step's too much I'll start with a crawl... this is my favorite line. it's shows a lot of integrity on the part of the speaker. and perserverance. i think that's important, especially since you've made the point throughout the poem that you are basically alone in this crawl. But don't lose yourself like your fathers did, Don't sell yourself to a richer pig. Hold on to night, embrace the day this is good for a solid conclusion. i think there is a little deviation with the mention of the father's though. now some light criticism: in this poem, you have a tendency to, and it is so very easy, use some trite expressions, or things that i think have been used in poetry way too much. I once was lost, but now I'm found this is a good concept, but i think the wording is too much like "amazing grace". if you could find a better way to express this, i think it would do wonders. But it's not a heart, it's a broken soul, i understand what you want to say here, emaphasize the importance of one's soul, their honor, their ideals, over their hearts, a more fickle and painful organ. i understand, but i think that calling it a broken heart and then saying it's not hurts the poem. maybe you could say something like "but beyond the broken heart, a greater wound, a damaged soul" (of course you can do better than that ) and elaborate on that.And now these fractured wings won't fly. this is kind of cliche in poetry, as you see a lot about broken birds, wings, associated with freedom and strength. here i suggest to create your own meetaphor, make it your own. good luck with this, and i'll be looking for more posts. |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Hawk, I love using oxymorons, as well as bad colloquialisms as poetic devices. It gives the piece a twist on the ordinary. roxanne, This is actually a part in a spoken word piece of mine called "See Caroline", but being as the whole thing is about 8 poems I don't figure I'll post it. If you read the entire piece,however, you would see the need for some of the "trite" expressions. I actually wrote it about a remarkable woman I had met in New Orleans in my "addict" days. I tried to keep the language as simple and understandable as possible. There is not much use of extended metaphor in any of the poems. I wanted to relate the story to everyone, English teacher or cowpoke .Thanks for the input and the suggestions. Maybe I will rework this on to stand on its own. I have done this with one or two of the other poems in the work. J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
Cool, thought this was great, especially the last stanza was solid, and your reference to night and day was great. My only real criticism are the last lines you use on each stanza, i assume these are not meant to rhyme, because they seem to stand on their own, but i found when i was reading it that with your poetry rhymes, the last lines seemed to stop its flow, only to start it up, fresh again in the next stanza. I don't know if that makes sense, but if you read it aloud, you might get an idea of what i'm saying, in any case, i liked it. The other thing is the last line of the poem i thought wasn't really needed, for me it tries to put a message on the poem, which i think is already expressed by the line preceding that-Hold onto night, embrace the day, they're very similar in different ways... Leaving it like that leads to some ambiguity, and a nice cap to it. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jason, I was drawn into this, and then began to feel a bit frightened, as it seemed to be going the way of a suicidal declaration.(I work in psychosocial rehabilitation, so any mentions of suicide are taken quite seriously.)As I read on, I got more of the feeling of one pulling himself up by his bootstraps (forgive the cliche). I totally agree with you about using simple language. I try to use it most of the time, as it speaks to everyone, not just those who have had numerous English and Lit classes in college. Your work here shows that simple language can be extremely effective, and even eloquent. Good work. warmhrt |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
warmhrt, This as I said is part of a larger work. Somewhat biographical of the subject "Caroline". She was a thirty-seven year old junkie when I met her. She came from a wealthy family somwhere or another. She was a college grad, married right out of school, had a child who was killed in a tragic car accident. She started with prescription anti-depressants, soon was abusing alchohol, finally street narcotics (still using prescription when available). Her husband left. She ran to N.O. trying to leave behind the memories. In my version there is a resolve, a happy ending. In the real version she took her own life at thirty-nine. I had already written my work. Wish it would have ended my way. Hope this maybe clears up some of the unseen nuances of this poem. This is the final end to the relationship between her and her husband. J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Jason, You've got an interesting story to tell us here but you don't tell us, you tell us about it. I don't have any problems with simple language or with oxymorons or with colloquialisms (if used consistently) but you've made a specific case so general as to sap all the vigor out of it. "Thoughts, words, deeds, actions" What are the thoughts? What are the words? What are the deeds? What are the actions? You mention New Orleans in your explantion but there's no hint of the unique character of that city in the poem. You mention that she's from a rich background, but there's no mention of that in the poem. If you felt in necessary in the explanation, why not in the poem? You've said this is part of a larger work and it may indeed fit in that larger framework but I don't think it stands alone very well. Right now, your explanation is more interesting than the poem. If you try to appeal to everyone, you appeal to no one. Just an opinion, Brad PS I did like the last line of the first stanza. |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Brad, I must agree with you. This poem doesn't stand very well on its own. In fact,I was really reluctant to post it. The fact that the entire story is not expressed is the reason. Perhaps by adding an explanation I took something away from the poem itself? Oh well we all have those opaque ones...I'll try to do better in the future.  J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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