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Death's Obeisance (Spenserian Sonnet)
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Death's Obeisance (Spenserian Sonnet) |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash 
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The Shrouded Horror poised with scythe to mow Green shoots, ripe wheat, and weathered stalks alike, Grim gritted teeth and hollow eyes aglow With pride, It paused to survey It's great Reich. The dauntless Judge considered It's next strike, A hiss escaped the rictus of It's grin, When stabbing fear sharp as a guardsman's pike Pierced skin and bone and icy heart within. Black clouds and tolling, rolling thunder's din Forced hateful eyes, against their will, to see That White Cloaked Victor's glorious rule begin: The Vicar pinned against a Roman Tree. Now tattered shroud and broken scythe remain, Obeisance paid in honor of His Reign< !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 12-16-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Jim Bouder - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, Jim, I see you've done it again. I'm in awe of your command of the language, your ability to fit more or less uncommon words together in a manner that seems to make sense. I really like this sonnet;  I've read it several times and get more from it each time. But I guess that's how it should work. For some reason, which I can't decipher yet, lines 4 and 5 seemed to not flow as well as the others. At least, I had to work on them to read aloud without hesitation. Maybe it's because I subconsciously want to stress the second syllable of "survey" or maybe it seems awkard to stress "it's". Also, I find it a little hard to pronounce "it's next strike" although it reads just fine. I really hope you continue to write sonnets. I just love it and no one seems to write them any more. |
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Kenneth Ray Taylor Member
since 1999-11-11
Posts 139Duluth, Minnesota, USA |
I'm amazed at anyone who can write Sonnets, especially when they flow smoothly and actually make sense. I especially like the way your sentences cross over from line to line. Many people tend to want to end their sentences with the rhyme. But this line to line stuff keeps it interesting and surprising. I wish I had your vocabulary and your sense of imagery and language. I'm afraid that I'm more at home in the "Purple Cow" school of poetry. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Jim I thought I would comment on this without reading what others had said first .. here goes: Although I can't fault the strict iambic meter of this sonnet, for some reason I don't find it flows quite as well as your previous effort. It's still very good though, and I think that maybe it is simply the proliferation of capitalisation (the reason for which I understand of course) which sort of breaks the lines. I may be wrong though. The imagery and range of vocabulary is excellent - still at least I didn't have to look anything up this time. I thought that the use of the word Victor to describe both the Death and the Deity/Life was perhaps a little confusing. I liked the use of "Reich" with its obvious connotations to describe Death's realm. I'm not sure about "dauntless Judge"; that phrase has a kind of noble ring about it, which most certainly does not sit well with what you are describing. Perhaps the "callous Judge" ? White Cloaked is a nice counterpoint to Shrouded, if a little obvious. I presume "Vicar" is a Freudian slip .... ROTFL ( ..... or maybe not!!!) That line is presumably a reference to Christ on the cross? The whole sonnet was very satisfying and easily interpreted, I also noticed the very obvious "turn" ~smile~ at line 7 !! Tut tut .. two lines early? heh heh. All in all Jim a great effort. Thanks. Philip PS If I've repeated what others said I'm sorry, but I wanted to write this uninfluenced. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
I'll post my reply quickly so as to not incur any guilt on my part for replying to my own post (even shameless promoters have a conscience ... even if only a little one). NOT A POET and KENNETH: Thanks for the kind words. I looked into lines 4 and 5 (regarding their flow) and suspect that it has something to do with the hard consonant endings of "Reich" and "strike" being so close together. Let me know what you think. I do plan on continuing to write sonnets ... thanks for the encouragement. POERTREE: I actually intended this one to sound a little more rough than my previous sonnet (by using lots of hard consonants)and, as Kenneth pointed out, by ending phrases and sentences mid-line. I thought it lent a bit to the mood. May be just me, though. You make an excellent point on the use of "Victor". Let me think about it and I'll see what I can do. If I change it I would appreciate your opinion. With all respect, you presume wrong about my use of the word "Vicar" as a "Freudian" slip (can't figure out how it could be construed as sexual) but you presume correctly that it is a reference to the crucified Christ. A "vicar" is a substitute or one who takes the place of another. Vicarious liability in the law means that Party 1 is responsible for the wrongs of Party 2 even when Party 1 did nothing meriting punishment on its own. Protestant Christian theology (and maybe Catholic, I'm not sure) considers Christ the undeserving substitute in receiving the punishment for mankind's sins on Himself (that punishment being death). Ahhh ... the turn thing, well ... no one is perfect.  Oh yeah ... almost forgot. I used the word "dauntless" to reinforce the notion that Death had no concern about losing his Reich ... all were under It's dominion. "Callous" is an excellent word but not for the purpose for which I was aiming. Thanks, all, for taking your time with this. < !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 12-16-1999).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Jim Now its my turn to underestimate you! Ok I think I accept that the slightly bumpy ride does add to the atmosphere of the poem. "Vicar" - what threw me here was the capitalisation of the word. I am well aware of the derivation, and unfortunately only too familiar with the legal concept of vicarious liability (Law is 50% at least of my profession). Somewhat stupidly I immediately latched onto the clerical title because of the capital "V" whereas in fact I see that the capitalisation derived not from the human title but from your practise throughout the poem of capitalising "deity" and "death". In this case presumably the Christ. As I say, I underestimated your ingenuity. The Freudian reference - its just me - I've read too many (fictional) stories about Nuns and Priests not to immediately attach that label - maybe Piers had a weird effect on me .. he he. "Dauntless" on a closer reading I can see what you are trying to do and you're right callous will not serve the purpose. Essentially at that stage in the poem we are seeing through Death's eyes and in his egotistical pride he see HIMSELF as dauntless thus contributing to the setting of him up for the fall in the next but one line. I actually came back to this poem to make a point I meant to make before, only this time I shall approach the matter with circumspection .. lol  "Your RH may I beg (on bended knee btw) to point out a potential inconsistency" ... oh forget it ... Jim, what do you mean by "with scythe to sow"? Surely it should be "with scythe to reap"? and don't just tell me it doesn't rhyme .. Philip [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 12-16-1999).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Man. Thanks Philip, I owe you one.  Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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