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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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YodasGhost New Member
since 1999-11-20
Posts 8Escondido.CA, USA |
The sun beats down on a weary day, Another mad mile I walked away. The heat of the star shone in the sky, as I continued to live a lie A prison is walls of mortar and stone, but the prison I live I built alone. From death and pain comes a towering foe, and every day passes still lets me know. High in the sky cold fire is burning, Hard in the heart another love yearning. The fire of love which finds me tonight, gives me a pause from tireless flight. |
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| © Copyright 1999 YodasGhost - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Yoda: I really like this. One thing I would change (and this is only my opinion) is consistancy in tense (past or present). I like your use of the present tense in the second half of your poem ... it gives me a sense of being there with you. Some examples of what I am talking about: "The sun beats down on a weary day, Another mad mile I walk away." "The heat of the star shines in the sky, as I continue to live my lie." "No prison of walls, of mortar or stone, But a prison still I build alone." Just some suggestions. Take them or leave them ... I am no expert.  ------------------ Jim "If I rest, I rust." -Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 12-02-1999).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Hmmm, I wonder if you let the rhyme get away from you on this one. You talk about a 'lie', you talk about 'heat', and you talk about 'love' but you never quite tell us what you are talking about. Be more specific (seems to me there is a reason that this poem is left untitled). Show us what the lie and the pain are and that relationship with walking and heat and I think you might even enjoy this poem more.  Just an opinion, Brad |
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