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My Soul's Dimension
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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My Soul's Dimension |
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angelrocket Junior Member
since 1999-11-15
Posts 12Salt Lake City, Utah USA |
My desire contemplates the curve of your lips... When gazing into your deep-set blue eyes...I long to trace your shoulders...your chest...in blissful embrace... My face yearns for soft caresses from your fingers...for the burning press of your lips. Oh-how I wish we could share...sweet... impulsive fantasies made real... oh ecstatic heaven-if I could know you feel...this... Contemplating such powerful passion...for you... gives me dimension times 3... |
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| © Copyright 1999 Angeline - All Rights Reserved | |||
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i really liked this poem, until the last part "comtemplating such powerful passion..for you... gives me dimension times 3..." for some reason, this part just seems out of place. the rest of the poem is well-written, perfectly describing the features of this person, passion, really it was my ideal love poem (or at least a general ideal) but the last lines are wordy, and the part about the dimension doesn't really tie in with the overall feeling of the poem. in the beginning of the poem, it seems to be about desiring someone, but the last lines don't even touch on that theme. it seems to me that a poem with such potential should make it point (or at least feature a more relevant line) at the beginning and the end. like i said, this is really excellent poem, but if you are considering revising it, i think that it may be better without those lines, or maybe with different ones. otherwise, good job.  |
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angelrocket Junior Member
since 1999-11-15
Posts 12Salt Lake City, Utah USA |
roxanne- thank you for your honest opinion...You were right...that last line belongs in the prose piece I posted elswhere. I have taken your advice and have redone the last line, I like it better, hope you do too!! Angelrocket My desire contemplates the curve of your lips... When gazing into your deep-set blue eyes...I long to trace your shoulders...your chest...in blissful embrace... My face yearns for soft caresses from your fingers...for the burning press of your lips. Oh-how I wish we could share...sweet... impulsive fantasies made real... oh ecstatic heaven-if I could know you feel...this... Reaching...melting...your lips tracing mine..... touch me.... |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i like that ending much better |
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