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Working Away
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Working Away |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Working Away The gentle rolling swell of Great Mell Fell backdrops the slatey walls and smoke stained air round Hawkshead House, And badgers potter peacefully, playing a black and white theatre set in Lakeland. Blencathra's soft wide wind mown peak belies the mist slick rock ridged sharply edged approach the glacial knife. Hawk and raven dance-fight in cloud windows above moraines of ice-ruffled chaos. I trudge the scree filled rake on Pavey Arc pinned to cliffs which hang o'er Stickle Tarn's smooth disced surface now planed flat and false by height and haze but torn by squalls, blocked and turned and shredded. Traversing high brown bracken splintered slopes and far below, white foam threads, beaded pools, sheep dotted turf. Late season Lakeland laid ravishingly beneath the grit grazed leather of my sole. And even as my body strides the fells with eyes unblinking lest they miss a shade of nature's gold the autumn of my mind lies not in this loved landscape, but where my winter beckons. From night's neon sharp unblended shadows and days of molten truth and grubby greys she draws me in to civil gutter scrapping plastic lives where dusty law tomes vainly bind the beast. Willingly I sink to purple heather, Join her in a travesty of living slick smoked-glass hell. Nature's narcotic sounds and scents and feel so impotent in our togetherness. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Poertree - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
I'm not sure I can give much of a critique on this one other than to say I thought it well written. There are some excellent lines here....some of my favorite: "Blencathra's soft wide wind mown peak belies the mist slick rock ridged sharply edged approach the glacial knife." "Traversing high brown bracken splintered slopes and far below, white foam threads, beaded pools, sheep dotted turf." "Nature's narcotic sounds and scents and feel so impotent in our togetherness." Your use of description and imagery in this is fantastic, I could see everything. It flows smoothly, reads well and makes for a very enjoyable read. Nicely written  ------------------ Alis volat propriis (She flies with her own wings) |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I enjoyed the imagery of the poem but thought the alliteration was little heavy handed (yeah, I know, I know, it's the original Old English thing but I just don't think it works when so blatant). I think you should drop the last line or rewrite it. It does nothing for the poem. Great moments here but too many too go into right now. Good poem. Just an opinion, Brad |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
Poertree– ok, here we go again, lol. i liked this piece. Some of your descriptions have a lot of power, and are quite remarkable. You had warned me in another posting about all the adjectives and adverbs here, so i was ready. Or at least i thought i was, lol. The first stanza isn’t too bad, actually, but then, wow... the “soft wide wind mown peak belies / the mist slick rock ridged sharply edged approach”... i knew then there was nothing to be done. Too much description often hurts a poem, but at some point -- say, when a relatively simple sentence such as “Blencathra’s peak belies the approach” (5 words) is turned into an extravaganza with literally 3 times as many words -- all the adjectives and adverbs reach a certain critical mass and the descriptive element becomes a thing, an end in itself. I found that happening here. In the back of my mind, almost despite myself, i began to cheer you on... do it again, poertree, do it again! Don’t let anyone tell you there’s too much description in this piece; if anything, there should be more! turn your back with icy, biting, gnashing, scathing, utter scorn upon those meek, measly, mild three-word modifier strings, and let ‘er rip. Go for the great, gold , galloping, gleaming gusto! but be careful. A little more punctuation (including a few hyphens) here would have been helpful at times. Also, using “backdrops” as a verb in line 2 really set my teeth on edge; perhaps you could say the Great Mell Fell “ringed” the walls and air round Hawkshead House? (I must confess i have no idea what a “fell” is, i am assuming it’s some kind of moor, and blencathra is a peak in the distance. Where is this place, anyway? It sounds utterly fantastic the way you describe it. England’s lake district?) Finally, i’m not sure what the badgers added to the piece. Am i missing something? thanks for an enjoyable read, poertree. The lavish descriptions here were obviously intentional; I’d be interested in hearing why you decided to take that approach. |
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DramaMama Junior Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 47Louisiana |
What great images! I experienced all that you described and hiked with you on that journey. Truly sock-knocking-off good. The last stanza is my only problem with the piece. Maybe needs more to it after the speaker mentions the things of the city that Nature lures him/her from. Am I interpreting this as you meant? What "her" do you mean? Nature? Reference not clear...and that makes the last line doubly unclear...together with whom? Rich, luxurious images...wonderful... |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Thank you for your very kind comments Ruth (I hope I got that right, sounds better than Ms Hoot Owl anyway ).Thanks also to you Brad - would like to know a bit more about your alliteration prejudice! when you have time, particularly what you mean by the words "works" in "I don't think it works". Is it that you feel that because it's so obvious the reader's mind is distracted by it and thereby diverted from the rest of the poem? As for removing the last line - this is not possible without rethinking the whole poem - lol. Maybe I could rewrite it, but I did intent it to sound different from the rest of the poem and if this is what is bothering you then maybe what I write below might help to explain, if not to convince. Thanks again. Hello again Jenni - Firstly and by far and away most important I am quite horrified that you have not been to the Lake District - you haven't lived girl .... get yourself on a plane ... your poetry will never be the same again! ... Besides which I thought all Americans had been to the Lakes ... it certainly seems like it sometimes lol (only kidding - I love you all really). By now you might have the answer to your final question. It is probably difficult for me to take any other approach when describing a landscape I love, and, believe me, the Lakes is all I have described and more. Unlike my metaphorical "perfect" Garden this is a landscape which is real and is both terrible and beautiful by turns. This is my first poem about the Lakes, (it will not be the last! Lol) and I decided to let rip and try and convey all the pent up images and feelings. Yes it was certainly intentional. At first all I set out to do was simply write a descriptive piece about the Lake District. Then that began to seem too easy too simple, lacking tension. Next I thought about introducing contrast which I hoped would increase the vividness of the imagery. The most obvious contrast with the countryside is the city. So off I went into the first stanza with a gentle opening describing a real place where I spent many childhood holidays. I got as far as the badgers, and the phrase "black and white" got me thinking that the contrast isn't just the superficial city scene versus rural scene - it goes much deeper than that. The pace of life, the nature of the people, the honesty/dishonesty, values, morals, life. All become influenced by the environment in which we live and the images we see on a day to day basis. At that point I thought about introducing another opposition. Trying to set love for another human against love for nature and its beauty. So the piece developed into the idea of a National Park's warden working away from his wife (who lives in London) during the late autumn. Despite his passion for the natural beauty around him he is unable to keep his mind from constantly drifting back to the images of the city which he hates but which is where his real love is, and where he will return for the winter. So I tried to build a wonderful picture of the Lakes and a horrific picture of the city in order to give that much more impact to the final declaration of the power of human love. Within that opposition I tried to introduce mini-contrasts. Nature's "honesty" and clarity, thus "black and white" versus "grubby grey's", "dance-fight" versus "scrapping", the crystal hardness of glaciers versus slippery flexible "molten truth". I tried however not to make things too obvious in that there are illusions and contrasts within nature itself. A lake which appears flat and calm but is actually violent, a smooth rounded peak which cannot be reached except by a treacherous approach, a landscape soft and ravishing but a the same time capable of grazing soles (souls ... ugh lol). Even the reference to the badgers "playing" was intentionally ambiguous - did it mean the badgers were simple playing or where they "playing" as in acting a part in a theatre. (Did you notice "set" ... "sett" .. heh heh?) Fell - Etymology: Middle English, from Old Norse fell, fjall, mountain; akin to Old High German felis rock. 14th Century. Dialect British: a high barren field or moor. I can't put "ringed" that would not be right. I could perhaps substitute "behind" for "backdrops", I want to have a think about this first though. Once again Jenni - thanks for your comments - you have a way of provoking thought .Hi DramaMama (whatta mouthful!) - Thanks to you too for your kind comment. Perhaps the explanation above has answered most of your questions. I thought that the last two lines of the 5th stanza would be sufficient to show readers that the speaker's mind was turning away to the city, and then the final two words "our togetherness" would dispel any doubt that his mind was turning to his love (his wife); maybe I was too obscure? Funny thing though that both you and Brad mentioned the closing part of the poem. In actual fact I have to admit to getting a little impatient to finish. Originally I had intended a more balanced poem with even the introduction of the other partner's thoughts. I will have a think about this. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
That's exactly what I mean. I see the same problem with a lot of rhyming poems; it's like bludgeoning someone with 'poetics'. I like Frost and Yeats when they rhyme because they do it so damn well. Alliteration doesn't work for me the moment I think 'hey, he/she's using a lot of alliteration' -- if I start thinking about that when I'm reading a poem the first time, I think there is something wrong. I'm rather opinionated about these things, you know, so take anything I say with a grain of granite salt. Brad |
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