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The Fright---She's Not There
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The Fright---She's Not There |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
The fright / She's not there Every day and night it's not a pretty sight The fright is in my sight The fright is not alone I see pain on frights left and I see anger on frights right The pain is so intense It wants to be like a familiar friend It wants to stay...will it ever go away And what would be left...maybe loneliness And isn't that a fright That's when its the loneliest...at night Maybe the pain has made me afraid to take a risk To care for another and let them feel my tenderness And I have anger too, the kind you feel when others use you so innocently, so pleasurably, I gave my heart without a care Now all I possess is disappointment, frustration, and Pain When I really needed her...she's not there What a fright to know I will feel the fright again...tonight I want to trust again...seeking the closeness that is there But the walls I've built around me keep me from going there The walls surround me and my pain The anger intensifies...I need someone to blame It's Frightful, it's Fearful, What the Hell's going on here Keep away from me, NO...don't touch me, don't tell me that you care You only want to use me to satisfy your urge Tomorrow when I need you I know you won't be around You're taking cars and buses, trains and planes, your going out of town Jameslee@January1995 [This message has been edited by jmlee12345 (edited 04-09-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 JamesMichael - All Rights Reserved | |||
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i think the word fright may be a little over used in this piece, and the last line really doesn't go well with the rest of piece. i do however, understand the emotions that you went through. you did an excellent job of protraying them and even a little bit personifying them. i hate to say this, as it is the title, but i think that you could do with a little less fright. only suggestions.  |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
I wrote this poem in 1995 after a failed marriage which was very traumatic for me and I met a young girl and I wanted to fall in Love. However, I started to realize that she was never there emotionally or physically for me and so I wrote this poem to help me sort out my mind and to feel better about myself. So I have always accepted it just as I wrote it as a true expression of my feelings at that moment. The Fright was a sort of a buzzword I used to express my fears and my pain and anger and loneliness and especially the emptiness I felt when I realized that sometimes I could be so close to her physically yet emotionally we were miles apart. I believe I used the word fright 9 times..so..I agree with you I might have overused it. I think fright was a word I used mainly to express the fear I had of just falling in Love all by myself. And thats not too cool but it does happen. I also used pain 5 times and anger 3 times. There was a heck of a lot of fear and pain and anger going on at that time..believe me. And if you look at the fourth line you will see that the pain and the fear and the anger were all one and the same. They kept building one ugly layer on top of another. If you check back..are you living in Louisville..I used to live there when I was a little boy...705 Dresdon Avenue..it was one street over from Churchhill Downs...I was born in Elizabethtown, Ky. James |
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Kenneth Ray Taylor Member
since 1999-11-11
Posts 139Duluth, Minnesota, USA |
Good poem, worthy of your editing. I suggest you maintain two versions of the poem. The archive one (as a diary of the heart) and the polished one (for sharing with the world). The overuse of the word "fright" spoils the poem. Also, don't confuse the possessive pronouns "its" and "your" with the contractions "it's" and "you're." Also, I suggest adding more punctuation, particularly question marks, where appropriate. Standard punctuation makes a poem easier to read. |
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DramaMama Junior Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 47Louisiana |
Ditto on roxane's comment about overuse of fright. I appreciate what you were feeling, but you seemed to rely on that one word to express most of the emotions. Look at it this way...think to yourself... "How many different ways can I give the reader a glimpse into my intense emotional state at the time?" Also the very obvious rhyme seems to give the poem a comic feel to it. I was have expecting it to lead me somewhere else. BTW, the "your" in the last line should be "you're," meaning you are. The poem has potential to be a powerful piece. I'd like to see more imagery and figurative language, two things that would make it really come alive for the reader. |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Thanks for the read. I never even consided the possibility that I had overused the word fright before your comments. It's kindof a fright to have your poem reviewed by those more skilled than yourself. But you fellow poets have been nice to me. So..the goal is don't overuse words and think of different words to use to express your emotional state. When you say use more imagery you mean use more mental images..correct. Could you please give me some examples of how imagery and also figurative language could be used in this poem? Also..thats a very good idea about creating two different poems..one the original and one a new revised model. James |
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