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A Sonnet
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A Sonnet |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Self Portrait My mirror doth insist that I am old, For unlike thee, it sees the scars of many years; Aging lines and graying hair it doth behold; Mine eyes must see this portrait but in tears. For all that beauty of which thou art possess’d, Is but a cherish’d, lovely vision of my heart, Which thou dost hold forever, in thy breast; Wherefore must I be much elder than thou art? If, my love, thou keep my heart whilst I hold thine, Then fairly might I of myself feel younger, Therefore, dearest, save thy precious youth with mine, That I might, for thy care, forbear that hunger - For the fairer look’d and felt I, long ago, Therein, true love of life, and thee, that I may know. ------------------ |
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| © Copyright 1999 Pete Rawlings - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
not a poet-- did you intend an ironic reference to shakepeare's sonnet no.22 here? i don't think so; it looks more like you started with shakespeare, and simply reworded it a little (or some of it, actually). shakespeare: For all that beauty that doth cover thee Is but the seemly raiment of my heart, Which in thy breast doth live, as thine in me: How can I then be elder than thou art? your version: For all that beauty of which thou art possess’d, Is but a cherish’d, lovely vision of my heart, Which thou dost hold forever, in thy breast; Wherefore must I be much elder than thou art? unless you are attempting parody here, this is WAY, WAY too close to plagarism. assuming the best and most honorable intentions on your part, you should watch the meter more closely. read the original and follow shakespeare's pentameter, five stressed beats for every line, no more, no less. [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 11-03-1999).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
You're right, Jenni. I intended to include a reference to #22 but failed to do so at the last minute as I was trying to determine how to post my first message here (probably an age related malady). But, thanks for your comment and for pointing out this omission. ------------------ |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Sonnets are extremely difficult to write. There is no greater example than Shakespeare to use as a model for one's own writing but, I must agree with Jenni, this one is much too close to Sonnet 22 for anyone's comfort. The meter does need work and your beats per line are inconsistent. I suggest that you start with something fresh and work on your meter. Practice and patience are what it takes. ------------------ Jim "Don't confuse me with the facts, I've already made up my mind." [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 11-06-1999).] |
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Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
Not A Poet I like your version, the meter is off slightly and yes it is based on another poets work but following the format and style (even the subject ) of a great poets work is a good way to learn. I’m not too enamored with all the doth and thee stuff though, Bill probably talked like that back then but there are few people that do it now! I’d re-write your poem and try to bring it up to date, if you re-write it enough it might become a totally different poem to the original. I had a lot of fun doing this myself, give it a try. ( You can always add a statement of where the idea came from) My mirror true insists that I am old, For unlike you, it sees the scars of years; Lines aging, graying hair and going bald; My eyes just see an old man through my tears. For any beauty which I once possessed, Is now a moment locked deep in your heart, Which you hold dear within your youthful breast; Why must we stay in age so far apart? Is love dependent on these years of mine? Is love not love with someone who is younger? My being with you somehow cancels time, Keeps in me that lust and youthful hunger, For I feel now as I did long ago, That is all I feel, all I need to know. Based on a poem I read written by Not A Poet. ------------------ Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. [This message has been edited by Craig (edited 11-07-1999).] |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Craig! You are a poet surely as Bill was! Not A Poet - What else have you written? Let's see another to dispell the mist of Bill!  |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Again, thank you all for responding and trying to help me. I agree that studying and modeling after the masters is good exercise and I did intend to include a reference to XXII with the above. I appreciate all your comments and Craig, I really liked your "corrected version." And Poet deVine, I do have a couple more sonnets roughly patterned after Mr. S's works but I will post another which has nothing to do with him or anyone else. Watch for "The Spell" as a new topic. I think it's probably time to let this one die. ------------------ |
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