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Untitled 7
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Untitled 7 |
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jamaicabradley Junior Member
since 1999-11-04
Posts 39 |
Ease this in these troubles lay remains configurations of living proof I am only flesh and bones to carry through from this life on to these sorrows which always bind us to past memory tomorrow clarify this hand in my head as heaven behind my eyes blinds me. |
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| © Copyright 1999 jamaicabradley - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
jamaicabradley-- i thought this piece (and # 4 and 8) was quite provocative. i really like your writing style, spare but also incredibly expressive. i thought this piece, from the beginning through to "tomorrow", was quite good ("configurations of living proof" i especially liked). the closing, from "clarify" to the end, confused me, though. (admittedly, not a difficult thing to do.  ) what is the hand in your head? do you really want to "clarify" it? or remove it? the lack of punctuation here is obviously intentional, and i like how that contributes to the flowing, somewhat ambiguous, almost dream-like, state-of-higher-consciousness tone of the piece (and of your others, too, btw). it may force the reader to concentrate a little more, but i don't have any problem with that, lol. welcome to C.A., and thanks for a very interesting read! [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 11-05-1999).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I would really think about giving this a title. A title can bring together a poem, bind it together in a way the individual lines sometimes do not. There is the argument that you don't want to commit yourself, that you want multiple ideas whirling around in the reader's head but that can also lead to confusion -- and confusion can turn off a reader as much as anything else. You can also attract a reader through a title (untitled is overused) -- don't be afraid to promote your stuff. I liked this (although I would prefer something more original than 'flesh and bones' and to actually read about the sorrows you mention). I would think about a line that has 'on to' and nothing else. In such a sparse poem, is this helpful? I, also, don't understand the hand in my head (the hand of God?). Thanks, Brad |
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jamaicabradley Junior Member
since 1999-11-04
Posts 39 |
Hi Brad and Jenny, Thank you both very much for your feedback. I will answer a few of your questions...the poem firstly has a few cut and paste pieces in it, so the clarify my hand....used to be all alone and I just joined it up with something else so originally my feeling was different to say the whole body of the piece, now, the hand I think for me was the introduction of someone in myself who wasn't not welcome but not invited, for the sake of hearbrake and so the hand was uncomfortabe, irritable brain matter, and the heaven behind my eyes was blinding simply because I think heaven would be...blinding wouldn't it? Oh, I cannot explain very well sometimes, but I get this mental picture of say, two people , you see one of thier heads close up and the other head within, and there is agonizing on the main heads face, a blinding pain, but surrounded by a calm, this calm, heaven is blinding so that it can heal, and the light is streaming from the eyes that are closed but anyway, I think I just dug myself a hole, you asked Jenni...that is why I love that writing can be left up to other people to interprit (sp) and etc. Hear from you soon, and again thank you both. oh yeah, the flesh and bones, I must of thought of that a thousand times but I've never found anything that worked for me. Suggestions? |
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