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magicahpoet
New Member

since 1999-11-02

Posts 1
Plymouth, NH USA

0 posted 1999-11-02 09:03 PM

"Loli Ogilvie"

I will always shiver
To think of her youthful hands
I regard her handsome figure
With lonesome courage-
For how many others
Could look upon this blackened sheep
With compassion and understanding?

I will always shiver
To think of the ways in which
She is treated
And the burning damnations
Said to her back

Loli will live
Among the people of
An underbelly
Of castaways
From the superficial race

I will always shiver
To think of this wasted creature
A beautiful girl - no one will ever know
Loli Ogilvie - a spirit
A glow

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

1 posted 1999-11-02 09:31 PM

Good thoughts here, m. I, for one, would pay some attention to your grammar. "...shiver when I think of..." rather than "...shiver to think of...", for example. In the second stanza I am not certain that "damnations" was the word you meant to use. Maybe "ridicule" or "disparagement" better describe the ideas you were trying to communicate.

I am not quite sure I understand what you mean by "An underbelly of castaways from the superficial race". Is this a referring to racism? Who is the superficial race? Lost me there. Perhaps by "superficial" you mean "despised" or something like that.

There are some excellent thoughts here, m. With a little development this could be a very fine poem.

------------------
Jim

"Don't confuse me with the facts, I've already made up my mind."

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

2 posted 1999-11-03 02:06 AM

I don't have any problems with 'shiver to think' although I do think J's point would make it stronger (not very consistent, am I?).

Actually, I would think about dropping the first person stuff and give us the story of Loli and what happened. You're teasing us with a story that you never tell.

Among the people of
An underbelly
of castaways
From the superficial race

This sounds great and I've almost got a tremendous image in my head but somehow I think it needs to be a little clearer. Expand this a bit and it's what makes this poem worth reading.

just and opinion,
Brad

PS j -- you're doing a great job.

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