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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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RainbowGirl Member Elite
since 1999-07-31
Posts 3023United Kingdom 
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Remember when we met our love and we said "I'll love you always" or maybe "if this ends, we'll always be friends" You and I.... Our hearts locked up tight reliving those words wishing to put everything right but they can't be unsaid or unheard Why do we hurt ourselves and our friends when both is the last on our minds if turning the clock back could make amends pressing the pause key we'd opt for a rewind We'd put hearts in our pockets and pride on the table unplug all from its socket our mouths we'd disable But here I am with hindsight wishing to undo every wrong to go back in time for a rewrite and put us back where we belong Take care with your words every time cause there's always a price that you'll pay think of the good and not the crime or the cost could be friendship one day..... I'm trying to find one more for you Brad..LOL ------------------ You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give. [This message has been edited by RainbowGirl (edited 09-30-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Cindy Jones - All Rights Reserved | |||
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i liked this, especially the meaning behind it.  |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Light through water creates spectrum still underaged woman, Hi! Well, thanks for posting this poem. It has a lost things that I just don't think very well in poetry (but whoever said I knew anything -- I sure didn't) I'm going to be a little harsh, but I know you'll take it in the spirit it was intended. I hope so anyway. So, here we go: Remember when we met our love --I like this first line but you don't do anything with it. It reads as if two people met 'love' which seems like a great place to start a fabulist poem. Why not develop it? and we said "I'll love you always" or maybe "if this ends, we'll always be friends" You and I.... --Doesn't everybody say things like these comments when they're in love? (And doesn't the word itself connotate permanence? I know some people who think so.) Actually, it might be fun to explore what these 'functional' phrases mean literally. I remember a Japanese friend of mine who wanted to know exactly what 'we can still be friends' meant. It means different things to different to different people, of course. What does it mean here? Our hearts locked up tight --Separately or together? The context makes it clear that you mean separately but at the same time, you (or the character) assume that your partner is feeling the same thing (together). You've got a potential double play here but again you lose the potential strength by not developing the contradiction of what you mean. How do you know this? How do you make the reader know this? Personally, I don't like the word 'heart' in a poem; I suspect it is often used to avoid more description. After all, everybody knows what you mean by heart. Except me. Sorry, but I have read heart so many times in so many poems that it has lost whatever feeling you intended here. Try saying what you feel in a more original way. reliving those words wishing to put everything right but they can't be unsaid or unheard --But you don't tell us what words you are talking about. You entice the reader (think voyeur rather than relater) but give us nothing to go on. Tell us what was said. If it's harsh, let it be harsh. If you feel that's too personal, I think you may begin to see my point. You're not sharing your emotions, you're using words to describe emotions, not showing us those feelings. See the difference. --Do you want the reader to tranplant his/her own emotions into your words? It's easy to do in this type of poem but that creates more distance between writer and reader. We're using the same words but talking about two completely different things. 'I relate to this' is the first feeling you want to create but there is so much more to play with. Again, tell us what your reliving. --Try to see a poem as a way of showing a different experience to the reader; don't keep him/her in the same world he is in; give us something different; give us your world. Why do we hurt ourselves and our friends --How am I suppose to know? I wasn't there. Punctuation would help the flow as well. when both is the last on our minds if turning the clock back could make amends pressing the pause key we'd opt for a rewind --Again, another great idea for a poem. What if the world were in a VCR cassette? What would happen? Would we spend our time endlessly trying to make things perfect? Endlessly using the rewind button? Work this out and see if you can put your situation into this context. If you can make time backwards, do you remember what hasn't happened yet? If you don't remember, then you do the same thing again, right? If you do remember, then nothing has changed, right? Actually, there's more here than you might think -- there's no reason to be absolutely rational. Play with it and see what happens. We'd put hearts in our pockets --Strange image for me because I see it literally. and pride on the table unplug all from its socket our mouths we'd disable --Still another great idea that isn't developed. (Hey, I never said you don't have what it takes; I think you do, just want you to put some sweat into it). But here I am with hindsight --I know that already. wishing to undo every wrong --Okay, I'm being preachy here. Love isn't wanting to change the mistakes you make but in dealing with those mistakes. Also, hyperbole just doesn't sit well with me. Isn't love partly loving those 'wrongs' too. You want to love someone or have a perfect relationship? Why? to go back in time for a rewrite and put us back where we belong --See above and the VCR comment Take care with your words every time cause there's always a price that you'll pay think of the good and not the crime or the cost could be friendship one day..... --Now it's your turn to be preachy. Why are you telling me what to do, damn it? j/k 1st line: Why not the the same advice in writing poetry? 2nd line: cliche 3rd line: develop this. What about the good in the crime and the crime in the good? 4th line: I still don't know why this friendship is that important to you if neither will forgive the other. I might understand if you showed me more but then you probably wouldn't need this last stanza. These kind of sum up lines sort of disappear if the poem is strong enough to convey the feelings you want to convey. OKAY, this is more of a thematic critique but is any of this useful to you? I hope so. You know I like some of your poems and I hope you see the potential here but not, not, not this way. Hope you had fun too Brad |
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RainbowGirl Member Elite
since 1999-07-31
Posts 3023United Kingdom |
Heavens Brad, you weren't joking were you *g*...ROFL Ok, I'll go and dissect it and bring back the remains..  HUGS ------------------ You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give. |
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rachana.s Member
since 1999-09-16
Posts 55madras,tamil nadu,India |
rainbowgirl, brad may be right. but I still liked the poem rachi |
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