Licked by the tongues of summer heat...

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Critical Analysis #1

Licked by the tongues of summer heat...

Master
Senior Member

since 1999-08-18

Posts 1867
Boston, MA

0 posted 1999-09-23 05:21 PM

Licked by the tongues of summer heat
The day burns slowly into ashes
As if a teardrop off the lashes
A drop of ink falls on the sheet
And I, as lonesome as that dot
A single mark upon the page
Sit locked inside an opened cage
In endless space, can’t find my spot
I search but do not see a reason
Why in the emptiness of thought
I cannot write a single word?
Why being free I feel imprisoned

------------------
I fell in love and kept on falling

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 1999-09-28 02:33 AM

I think you've got something here but I've got a few suggestions:

If you want to keep the rhyme scheme, keep the rhyme scheme but clean up the meter:

A single mark upon the page
Sit locked inside and open cage

This works well; use this as a base for the rest of the poem.

I'd drop the teardrop line and stay with summer heat and a perspiration drop; it gets away from the Romantic connotation of tears and makes the loneliness all the more starker
I think.

The drop on the page is a clear image; why not try to find your space inside that spot, like a place to meditate through or something like that.

Punctuation would be helpful.

I search but do not see a reason
Why in the emptiness of thought
I cannot write a single word?

Seems self-explanatory to me; try to rework this. Actually, this may be a point of contention for some people; I believe that words come from a different part of the brain than instinct or even 'pure' emotion; thus, if you're not thinking, you can't write.

Why being free I feel imprisoned

Great idea here (I love this kind of stuff).
Can you give us a more specific situation, some concrete images, and a way to feel this more than simply think it? What causes someone to feel this way?

Good luck,
Brad

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