i dont got a good name for this one yet

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CrAyZeD
Junior Member

since 1999-08-03

Posts 45

0 posted 1999-08-12 11:05 PM

Tie a knot,
Let my body hang.
Cut a vein,
Let my blood rain.
Load a gun,
Blow my brains.

Pop a pill.
Whatever bothers me I will kill.
I will let my own blood spill.

My blood races.
My mind it erases.

Full of shame.
No one to blame.

Should I do it?
Should I die?
Not ready to live.
Not ready to die.

What is wrong, what is right?
My mind and body are always in a fight.

Which will win?
Which will lose?
My concience in the end will choose,
between life and death.
Will this be my last breath?

As I start to fade,
I remember all the mistakes I've made,
all the bad things I did,
nd all the problems I ran away from and hid.

Now that I am all but gone.
I relize that what I did was wrong.
I should have fought through my problems,
And stood high and strong.

I don't have much blood left to bleed,
My eyes role back as my suicide succeeds.

[This message has been edited by CrAyZeD (edited 08-12-99).]

CrAyZeD
Junior Member

since 1999-08-03

Posts 45

1 posted 1999-08-12 11:09 PM

Id like it if people gave me an idea for a name for this poem thanks

Poet deVine

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-26

Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley

2 posted 1999-08-13 10:52 AM

I honestly don't like poetry about suicide. But if I were to suggest a title it would be "Fools Way Out".......a personal opinion.

CrAyZeD
Junior Member

since 1999-08-03

Posts 45

3 posted 1999-08-13 11:10 AM

thanks for the response and all the help you gave me

[This message has been edited by CrAyZeD (edited 08-13-99).]

JP
Senior Member

since 1999-05-25

Posts 1343
Loomis, CA

4 posted 1999-08-13 12:53 PM

Normally I don't respond unless I have something good to say along with a critique. But in this case I will simply say: Rework it. There is some poetential for a powerful peice here, but it is not a comfortable read and the message gets lost whent he mind is trying to off-road through the flow of the poem.

I wouldn't mind seeing this one again if you decide to rework it.

------------------
Dum spiro, spero
JP

PartiStarks
Junior Member

since 1999-07-31

Posts 38
Brooklyn, NY

5 posted 1999-08-13 01:28 PM

There is great potential here, but this poem needs a lot of editing and ironing out. It needs to flow smoothly when it is read. Right now it's like a bumpy roller-coaster ride. Try counting syllables and staying consistant.

And as for a name, I think it should be called "Too Late to Debate".

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[This message has been edited by PartiStarks (edited 08-13-99).]

CrAyZeD
Junior Member

since 1999-08-03

Posts 45

6 posted 1999-08-13 04:27 PM

thanks for the input
i have taken note of what everyone has said

M. Rivera
Junior Member

since 1999-07-22

Posts 13
San Francisco

7 posted 1999-08-13 05:04 PM

Hey! You need to really check your spelling, and it doesn't sound like your body and mind are in such a fight if they're both telling you what to do, and for that very reason I think you need to right more positive things so that it can seem like a fight, the way you wrote. As for a title,
Blood Rains From My Brains
or Choose to Win Or Lose
or Blood Spills For A Kill

But, this suicide thing is for weak people who don't know how to realize life is life. It may not be easy, but we should learn how to deal with it, it gets better. Especially when you realize what the problems are really in your life for. Because if you really wanted to die, you wouldn't be righting about it, and asking questions. You would right about your pain, and look for solutions, or just end everything.

CrAyZeD
Junior Member

since 1999-08-03

Posts 45

8 posted 1999-08-13 09:18 PM

Thanks for the constructive criticism
I think i should try to re-work it to give it more rythm

CrAyZeD
Junior Member

since 1999-08-03

Posts 45

9 posted 1999-08-14 11:25 PM

the more replies the better

WhtDove
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-22

Posts 9245
Illinois

10 posted 1999-08-15 03:35 PM

Well, I am not one to usually critique a poem, but this really didn't read too well.
As for the fight. The soul will fight against the flesh. We always have an inner struggle going on. But as for suicide, it is the easy way out instead of facing the problems. Try to portray the real struggle here and maybe why suicide would become an option. (Tho in my book, if people believed in God, I don't think they would consider that as an option).
As for the title if you want to help someone not to commit this act then I would name it like poet deVine says...The Fools Way Out!
Or the Easy Way Out!
Add a little more positives!

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