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Endings
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Endings |
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LngJhnAg Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion 
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Can you please tell me how a love affair ends? Do we keep on loving, or become just friends? The road, smooth for you, I have failed to find; My faltering steps taken as though I was blind. Is there some place you see on the road far ahead, Some point in time where we've friendship instead? Will there be a point when the pain will not come, The tears will not flow, and the heart becomes numb? Does the fall never end? Can the love be too deep? Will thoughts of us always return to our sleep? Will fires that burned souls, begin to consume, Memories of us when we were one from two? Do we wait for the fire to burn itself out? How will we be sure? Will there always be doubts? Already knowing what I don't understand, Can you please tell me how a love affair ends? it seems to stumble in that second verse... perhaps a transition could help - suggestions? |
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Ron
Administrator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-05-19
Posts 8669Michigan, US |
I'm hardly an expert (where's Nan and Balladeer when you need them?), but it seems like a meter problem more than a transitional one. It stumbles, I think, because the meter won't let it flow. Off the top of my head: The road you have found I can't seem to find, My steps falter and stagger as though I were blind. Is there some place you see on the road far ahead, Some point in time where we've friendship instead? [This message has been edited by Ron (edited 07-29-99).] |
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LngJhnAg Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion |
Ron Thanks for your suggestions. As for the staggering part - I was trying to convey a reluctance to move down any road (faltering), versus the suggestion that I had already started (staggering). The road you have found I can't seem to find, My faltering steps taken as though I were blind. Is there some place you see on the road far ahead, Some point in time where we've friendship instead? now - lesse - I usually try to match up the syllable counts - which I missed by two on my original verse (10 vs 12). Maybe, we could change 'found' in the first line to 'taken'. That will buy us another syllable, without impacting the meaning. This brings the actual count up to 11 (from 10), and the alliteration on 'can't' may work for the twelth. Lets see how that pans out: The road you have taken I can't seem to find, My faltering steps taken as though I were blind. Is there some place you see on the road far ahead, Some point in time where we've friendship instead? Nope - that won't do it - can't use 'taken' in two succeeding lines. Lets try 'chosen', which is a little softer, but may still work. The road you have chosen I can't seem to find, My faltering steps taken as though I were blind. Is there some place you see on the road far ahead, Some point in time where we've friendship instead? oops - I just noticed something here - it isn't logically constructed - disjointed - lets move lines three and four ahead of one and two: Is there some place you see on the road far ahead, Some point in time where we've friendship instead? The road you have chosen I can't seem to find, My faltering steps taken as though I were blind. ahh - that seems better - acknowledging the other person has found a road, and then commenting on his selection of that path. Thanks, Ron - you got me to thinking |
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LngJhnAg Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion |
lets try a repost - OK? Can you please tell me how a love affair ends? Do we keep on loving, or become just friends? Is there some place you see on the road far ahead, Some point in time where we've friendship instead? The road you have chosen, I can't seem to find; My faltering steps taken as though I was blind. Will there be a point when the pain will not come, The tears will not flow, and the heart becomes numb? Does the fall never end? Can the love be too deep? Will thoughts of us always return to our sleep? Will fires that burned souls, begin to consume, Memories of us when we were one from two? Do we wait for the fire to burn itself out? How will we be sure? Will there always be doubts? Already knowing what I don't understand, Can you please tell me how a love affair ends? [This message has been edited by LngJhnAg (edited 07-29-99).] [This message has been edited by LngJhnAg (edited 07-29-99).] |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
The only other suggestion I would make, LJA, is to change "Will thoughts of us always return to our sleep?" to "Will thoughts of us always return in our sleep?" Somehow, the words "to our sleep" seem to imply that you might not be there when they come. For what it's worth... |
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