»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Self-deceit (my first attempt at a pantoum)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Self-deceit (my first attempt at a pantoum) |
|
|
DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
I creep through this life unheard and unseen. A woman's touch is forbidden treasure. When close to a woman I feel unclean. Her disdain I receive in full measure. A woman's touch is forbidden treasure. My fears heighten my desire all the more. Her disdain I receive in full measure. Quiet disregard evens each old score. My fears heighten my desire all the more. Even their scorn is a heady delight. Quiet disregard evens each old score. Passion prevents my return to the Night. Even their scorn is a heady delight. Much of my worth is based on self-deceit. Passion prevents my return to the Night. Women have made this deception complete. Much of my worth is based on self-deceit. This lie has been uncovered just in time. Women have made this deception complete. I now unravel that lie with my rhyme. This lie has been uncovered just in time. When close to a woman I feel unclean. I now unravel that lie with my rhyme. I creep through this life unheard and unseen. ©1999 DreamEvil ------------------ Shall I indulge in flights of fancy hampered by clipped wings? DreamEvil© [This message has been edited by DreamEvil (edited 08-18-99).] [This message has been edited by DreamEvil (edited 08-19-99).] |
||
| © Copyright 1999 DreamEvil - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
I liked it. The flow was good and I believe you perfected the format of a pantoum..very hard to do too!  |
||
|
Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California |
Very well written DreamEvil, It read well and the form was impeccable. michael |
||
|
Sue Member
since 1999-08-04
Posts 383France |
Yes! It works very well. Just one nit-pick (which I only do when I think a poem is really good) - I would suggest that the fourth line should read "Her disdain" instead of "Their disdain" |
||
|
DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
Thanks are really due to Nan for helping me with this format. Sue, you are quite right. The change works well.  |
||
|
Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
This is a very difficult type of poem to write ... I applaud you for even attempting it ... it is tricky writing lines that do not become less appealing as they are repeated ... and you have done an excellent job doing that ... I do have one question ... in lines 2 and 3, you give what seems to me to be two very different takes on a woman's company ... in the first it is a "forbidden treasure" (desirable) and in the second it is "unclean" (definitely NOT desirable) ... did you mean to convey a confusion about your feelings? ------------------ "Nunc lento sonitu dicunt, morierus" (When I hear the bell tolling softly for another, it says to me, "Thou must die.") |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Damn, you're really good at this stuff. I'm unsure as to the true feelings of the speaker however. At first, I thought I was a quiet hatred of women but now that I read it again, I find it to be the funky fantasies of an adolescent who is unable to deal with women (almost, in a way, loving women too much). At the current moment, I find the latter interpretation more intriguing. What do you think? Brad |
||
|
DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
Brad, You are both right and wrong. My adolescence is where much of this began and was played out. Unfortunately, this trend continued into later years. Both of your interpretations are accurate. |
||
|
Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
Exellent work, Dream. This poem is what made me interested in writing a pantoum of my own (which I have). Bravo!!! ------------------ *Krista Knutson* I see the world through the loving eyes of my heart, and suffer the pain of unfulfilled visions. -- Daniel L. Miller |
||
|
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
You are certainly a very talented writer. This is excellent! ------------------ Denise |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||